Oh my God, could the last hour have BEEN more CONFUSING??
Alright. I don't know if anyone reads these things, but I'm gonna pretend no one does and just write my little heart out. I'm sorry if I manage to hurt or offend anyone, but since this is my only journal and I'm fucking losing my mind right now, I need to write.
Honestly, what the fuck is up with time? Really. I'm gonna just say what's up. I've met someone. His name is Kevin. Here's the deal...this guy treats me like gold. He wants to take me out every day and I have to beg him not to sometimes because I know he has no more money than I do. He was in the Army for four years. He's 25. He hates Bush. He likes Moulin Rouge, Love Actually, and Alanis Morisette. I've seen him tear up at Finding Neverland. He's NOT GAY (sorry, but I've just dated too many). He's polite, he's got a dog which he treats like his own child, he's driven, smart, doesn't even watch TV, thinks I'm "sexy, yummy and rrrrr" and is able to pick me up and throw me around (in the good way). He is considerate of my feelings. He is a Zoology major and a chemistry minor. He will talk to anyone, and tells me everything he is thinking and feeling, which isn't always pleasant, but at least I know. HE FUCKING GREW UP IN MEDFORD NEW JERSEY (20 minutes from my original hometown, Marlton NJ). I mean, c'mon! Were a match made in Heaven. And guess the fuck what? I'M GOING TO BE BACK IN ABQ in less than a month. And his one flaw.....he doesn't believe in long distance relationships.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't believe in them so much either. I've had 2, both of which ended badly (one which managed to end badly twice, and again I apologize for saying all this, but I REALLY need to vent). But for Christ's sake, oppurtunities like this don't just come a'knocking every day. So, you'll never guess what I did tonight. Wait, if you dated me you will. That's right, I went and fucked it up. I got moody. I got needy. I HATE when I do that! I just have no desire to lose this person, and yet, that's the fastest way to do it. ANd yes, I know that. I mean honstly when am I going to stop sabatoging what is good in my life? Why do I continually believe I don't deserve happiness? Why doesn't he believe in long distance relationships?
And why. Tell me why. I get home after all that to have not one, but two very interesting and unexpected emails. One person I didnt expect to ever hear from again, and had actually adjusted to the idea. I can live without feeling the way I was made to feel. REALLY. But the second I read his words I hear his voice, I see it in his eyes, and I want to make it better. Which just didn't work the last time I tried. I wish we were different people, I wish it was possible. Man do I wish a lot today....I wish I knew what to say to him. I'm sure he's reading this.
UUUUUGH. And then, I get the most surprising thing of all. It's never expected when someone you've been friends with for years decides to tell you they're in love with you. I don't know what to say to that either. It was definetly a shocker. I'm so happy I was able to make someone feel the things described. I just don't know...I don't know. God, thank you so much for telling me; it made me feel amazing. And seriously confused at the same time.
Why now. With any of it. Why this week when I am stressing about everything (and, mind you, I do not stress anymore, it makes me physically ill, which I have been all week).
Wow. I don't even bitch like this anymore...what has happened? I feel like I'm back at 19 (a very nutty year indeed).
I guess after all the writing I thought I'd have some kind of closure. But there's nothing. It reminds me of that damn song "everything to everyone"....I just want to be that way, and I can't. I can't.
Ugh, enough venting. I have quite a busy day tomorrow.
I hope it's a happy one.
Oh, and btw. Today was a happy one. And the things in this that I wrote about...also happy for the most part (minus the moving away from new guy). I'm happy I heard from the people I did. They mean a lot to me and always will. I'll do my best to write back to them thoughtfully. I'm so sorry if this hurt feelings, it was not my intention. Sigh. Good night.
Honestly, what the fuck is up with time? Really. I'm gonna just say what's up. I've met someone. His name is Kevin. Here's the deal...this guy treats me like gold. He wants to take me out every day and I have to beg him not to sometimes because I know he has no more money than I do. He was in the Army for four years. He's 25. He hates Bush. He likes Moulin Rouge, Love Actually, and Alanis Morisette. I've seen him tear up at Finding Neverland. He's NOT GAY (sorry, but I've just dated too many). He's polite, he's got a dog which he treats like his own child, he's driven, smart, doesn't even watch TV, thinks I'm "sexy, yummy and rrrrr" and is able to pick me up and throw me around (in the good way). He is considerate of my feelings. He is a Zoology major and a chemistry minor. He will talk to anyone, and tells me everything he is thinking and feeling, which isn't always pleasant, but at least I know. HE FUCKING GREW UP IN MEDFORD NEW JERSEY (20 minutes from my original hometown, Marlton NJ). I mean, c'mon! Were a match made in Heaven. And guess the fuck what? I'M GOING TO BE BACK IN ABQ in less than a month. And his one flaw.....he doesn't believe in long distance relationships.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't believe in them so much either. I've had 2, both of which ended badly (one which managed to end badly twice, and again I apologize for saying all this, but I REALLY need to vent). But for Christ's sake, oppurtunities like this don't just come a'knocking every day. So, you'll never guess what I did tonight. Wait, if you dated me you will. That's right, I went and fucked it up. I got moody. I got needy. I HATE when I do that! I just have no desire to lose this person, and yet, that's the fastest way to do it. ANd yes, I know that. I mean honstly when am I going to stop sabatoging what is good in my life? Why do I continually believe I don't deserve happiness? Why doesn't he believe in long distance relationships?
And why. Tell me why. I get home after all that to have not one, but two very interesting and unexpected emails. One person I didnt expect to ever hear from again, and had actually adjusted to the idea. I can live without feeling the way I was made to feel. REALLY. But the second I read his words I hear his voice, I see it in his eyes, and I want to make it better. Which just didn't work the last time I tried. I wish we were different people, I wish it was possible. Man do I wish a lot today....I wish I knew what to say to him. I'm sure he's reading this.
UUUUUGH. And then, I get the most surprising thing of all. It's never expected when someone you've been friends with for years decides to tell you they're in love with you. I don't know what to say to that either. It was definetly a shocker. I'm so happy I was able to make someone feel the things described. I just don't know...I don't know. God, thank you so much for telling me; it made me feel amazing. And seriously confused at the same time.
Why now. With any of it. Why this week when I am stressing about everything (and, mind you, I do not stress anymore, it makes me physically ill, which I have been all week).
Wow. I don't even bitch like this anymore...what has happened? I feel like I'm back at 19 (a very nutty year indeed).
I guess after all the writing I thought I'd have some kind of closure. But there's nothing. It reminds me of that damn song "everything to everyone"....I just want to be that way, and I can't. I can't.
Ugh, enough venting. I have quite a busy day tomorrow.
I hope it's a happy one.
Oh, and btw. Today was a happy one. And the things in this that I wrote about...also happy for the most part (minus the moving away from new guy). I'm happy I heard from the people I did. They mean a lot to me and always will. I'll do my best to write back to them thoughtfully. I'm so sorry if this hurt feelings, it was not my intention. Sigh. Good night.
posted by Eek! @ 11:31 PM
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