Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.....
Does anyone actually read these things? Well, I'm kinda sorry for ya if you do, because I bitch in them a lot. But it's kind of a release, so I suppose it's helpful to bitch sometimes.
So....been here almost a week. I've eaten a lot of chocolate. a LOT. And I'm technically not even allowed to touch the stuff. It's not that I'm depressed, it's just....well, no, it is. I'm depressed. Time for Prozac. Ok, not that bad, but more chocolate please.
See, here's the thing. For me, ABQ=rut. I don't want it to, but it does. It's the same faces, same places, same feeling like I'm anywhere between 15 and 18...same same same. Blah blah blah. So I'm trying to be all outgoing in my EMT class, which is kinda working, but I also have these feelings that they hate me because I'm beautiful. Just kidding. No, but they kinda act resentful because I have a degree. So hopefully that'll go away sometime. Oo, I was examining (like, physical examination) this one reeeeealy large girl yesterday and she totally let this enormous fart slip out that like shook the room. Hehe, thought I'd share.
But back to my problems. Haha. The other thing, besides having no idea what direction my life is going in, is that I'm not so sure about my current boyfriend. He's really special in a lot of ways, like his sense of humor is amazing, he was an Army Ranger for 4 years, which if fuckin cool, (even though he's almost killed me twice now...anyway, if you want to know just ask) and his playfullness is actually right up there with mine, which is like insane. When we're both happy, it's great. We have a lot of fun. But that's all it is...fun. And when it's bad...oh, it's really bad. He's a fighter. I'm a fighter. We're like FUCK YOU, no, FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!! So that's kinda wild. We both pace, red faced and fuming...I mean, sometimes I think I want fights like that, but after having them...shit. Crazy. Already had a couple screaming matches...both of my parents says he doesn't treat me well. And they usually butt out too so I don't know if that's such a good sign. Though, honestly (and this is really sad) I don't remember what it's like to be treated well. Not truly well. I know I have been once upon a time, but lately, I feel like just about every guy I attract treats me like dirt, intentionally or otherwise. Maybe I just provoke it, I don't know. (whoa...listening to the radio and all of the sudden I'm dancing on the bar at San Felipe's again...music does something to the brain that nothing else can..). Anyway. Back to Kevin. I, for the first time in ANY relationship I've been in, am much less experienced with just about everything than he is. Wow, is it difficult. It's like, here let me show you how relationships work, little girl. And I want to learn, I do, but honestly, I think sometimes he's kinda full of shit.
OK, I'm stopping now cause I'm rambling. Back to focused thoughts.
The main big everything problem is that I'm doubting this relationship a LOT, but I want to see where it goes, though that's really hard to do when you live really far apart and don't have any concrete plans on when you're gonna spend time together. And while these doubts creep in, other thoughts and memories (ABQ ones) are creeping in as well. God, it's bad. Practically every few minutes I have to remind myself of why those thoughts and memories cannot be there. It's exhausting really. It's really hard to close chapters in your life that were written in the same city you live in now.
Know what's cool though? I finsihed FINALLY my resume today and it's amazing. Anyone who wouldn't hire me is a big jerkoff. I've been working on that thing for months. So anyway, as of Monday, I'm beginning to apply for jobs. Real jobs! Where you make money! Ahh! That's kinda nifty-keen, jellybean.
Ok, I'm a BIG NERD.
So just so ya'll don't think I'm a huge loser and am only depressed over a guy (or 2), there are actual real problems/stuff I have on my mind too which weighs a little heavier. There's the fear of never finding a job/figuruing out if I want to go to med school/if I don't want to go what the hell am I going to do thought. There's the oh my LORD do I miss my Flagstaff friends. I hate not going to Dr. Leid's class in the morning and seeing my girls. I hate not waking up in my old, crappy house with a broken EVERYTHING because it had my awesome roomates and my surro-cat. My Cleo. My baby. =) Aw....ok, no, stop missing the damn cat. I just hate not breathing fucking clean air and seeing green trees, and grass and shit. Nature...I always thought it was overrated until I was pulled out of it. UUGGH. When will it go away? When do you start feeling like home is your home again? Do you ever? Like they say in Garden State, is home just the place you throw your shit? Or does it actually mean something?
Then there's the actual probelm of my brother, who has taken on the new habit of beating women. I kid you not. For anyone who doesn't know, no, my brother should not be locked up; he doesn't know what he's doing since he is autistic. But I have been injured twice this week my him (one pinched nerve in my hand, once pushed so hard I fell on a table and luckily caught myself, but still fell hard on my wrist) and my mom has been hurt countless times. My family is like either sitting around crying cause it's so taxing, or cracking up, just to avoid more crying. I'm just hoping and praying that whatever is wrong with my brother works itself out, because w'ere all gonna end up in wheelchairs otherwise.
Whew, this is just a lot....ok, good stuff....
There's a good song on right now (Tracy Chapman song, I'm sittin here groovin). My skin is looking awesome. Someone in EMT class said they wanna study with me, based on the fact I'm answering all sorts of questions right. I organized my closet and it's awesome. I bought cute AND practical shoes today. I have gotten to catch up with my mom and dad a lot this week, and with current new movies. There is another good song on now (Coldplay). Oo, they said they are coming to ABQ. Hmm...that'd be kinda awesome to go to. Hmm....
Alright. This thing is long enough. Night~
So....been here almost a week. I've eaten a lot of chocolate. a LOT. And I'm technically not even allowed to touch the stuff. It's not that I'm depressed, it's just....well, no, it is. I'm depressed. Time for Prozac. Ok, not that bad, but more chocolate please.
See, here's the thing. For me, ABQ=rut. I don't want it to, but it does. It's the same faces, same places, same feeling like I'm anywhere between 15 and 18...same same same. Blah blah blah. So I'm trying to be all outgoing in my EMT class, which is kinda working, but I also have these feelings that they hate me because I'm beautiful. Just kidding. No, but they kinda act resentful because I have a degree. So hopefully that'll go away sometime. Oo, I was examining (like, physical examination) this one reeeeealy large girl yesterday and she totally let this enormous fart slip out that like shook the room. Hehe, thought I'd share.
But back to my problems. Haha. The other thing, besides having no idea what direction my life is going in, is that I'm not so sure about my current boyfriend. He's really special in a lot of ways, like his sense of humor is amazing, he was an Army Ranger for 4 years, which if fuckin cool, (even though he's almost killed me twice now...anyway, if you want to know just ask) and his playfullness is actually right up there with mine, which is like insane. When we're both happy, it's great. We have a lot of fun. But that's all it is...fun. And when it's bad...oh, it's really bad. He's a fighter. I'm a fighter. We're like FUCK YOU, no, FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!! So that's kinda wild. We both pace, red faced and fuming...I mean, sometimes I think I want fights like that, but after having them...shit. Crazy. Already had a couple screaming matches...both of my parents says he doesn't treat me well. And they usually butt out too so I don't know if that's such a good sign. Though, honestly (and this is really sad) I don't remember what it's like to be treated well. Not truly well. I know I have been once upon a time, but lately, I feel like just about every guy I attract treats me like dirt, intentionally or otherwise. Maybe I just provoke it, I don't know. (whoa...listening to the radio and all of the sudden I'm dancing on the bar at San Felipe's again...music does something to the brain that nothing else can..). Anyway. Back to Kevin. I, for the first time in ANY relationship I've been in, am much less experienced with just about everything than he is. Wow, is it difficult. It's like, here let me show you how relationships work, little girl. And I want to learn, I do, but honestly, I think sometimes he's kinda full of shit.
OK, I'm stopping now cause I'm rambling. Back to focused thoughts.
The main big everything problem is that I'm doubting this relationship a LOT, but I want to see where it goes, though that's really hard to do when you live really far apart and don't have any concrete plans on when you're gonna spend time together. And while these doubts creep in, other thoughts and memories (ABQ ones) are creeping in as well. God, it's bad. Practically every few minutes I have to remind myself of why those thoughts and memories cannot be there. It's exhausting really. It's really hard to close chapters in your life that were written in the same city you live in now.
Know what's cool though? I finsihed FINALLY my resume today and it's amazing. Anyone who wouldn't hire me is a big jerkoff. I've been working on that thing for months. So anyway, as of Monday, I'm beginning to apply for jobs. Real jobs! Where you make money! Ahh! That's kinda nifty-keen, jellybean.
Ok, I'm a BIG NERD.
So just so ya'll don't think I'm a huge loser and am only depressed over a guy (or 2), there are actual real problems/stuff I have on my mind too which weighs a little heavier. There's the fear of never finding a job/figuruing out if I want to go to med school/if I don't want to go what the hell am I going to do thought. There's the oh my LORD do I miss my Flagstaff friends. I hate not going to Dr. Leid's class in the morning and seeing my girls. I hate not waking up in my old, crappy house with a broken EVERYTHING because it had my awesome roomates and my surro-cat. My Cleo. My baby. =) Aw....ok, no, stop missing the damn cat. I just hate not breathing fucking clean air and seeing green trees, and grass and shit. Nature...I always thought it was overrated until I was pulled out of it. UUGGH. When will it go away? When do you start feeling like home is your home again? Do you ever? Like they say in Garden State, is home just the place you throw your shit? Or does it actually mean something?
Then there's the actual probelm of my brother, who has taken on the new habit of beating women. I kid you not. For anyone who doesn't know, no, my brother should not be locked up; he doesn't know what he's doing since he is autistic. But I have been injured twice this week my him (one pinched nerve in my hand, once pushed so hard I fell on a table and luckily caught myself, but still fell hard on my wrist) and my mom has been hurt countless times. My family is like either sitting around crying cause it's so taxing, or cracking up, just to avoid more crying. I'm just hoping and praying that whatever is wrong with my brother works itself out, because w'ere all gonna end up in wheelchairs otherwise.
Whew, this is just a lot....ok, good stuff....
There's a good song on right now (Tracy Chapman song, I'm sittin here groovin). My skin is looking awesome. Someone in EMT class said they wanna study with me, based on the fact I'm answering all sorts of questions right. I organized my closet and it's awesome. I bought cute AND practical shoes today. I have gotten to catch up with my mom and dad a lot this week, and with current new movies. There is another good song on now (Coldplay). Oo, they said they are coming to ABQ. Hmm...that'd be kinda awesome to go to. Hmm....
Alright. This thing is long enough. Night~
posted by Eek! @ 11:40 PM
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