Smiling's my favorite!

I forgot I had this thing.

2006-06-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

Howdy.

I guess it's uncool to update blogs these days, cause nobody does anymore. However, I've never had any problem with being completely uncool, so here goes nothing.

Life is pretty good. I am all smiles to go to work in the morning, enjoying one of my two classes, workin out and looking pretty healthy (I didn't say skinny...I said healthy), and applying to PA schools. Pretty damn busy, but of course I like it that way.

I'm still going to the nursing home a few times a week, and holy shit do I have fun there. Those people are the sweetest, most adorable people in the world and I absolutly love them. Plus they really really feed my ego "Aren't you so pretty?" "We've missed you! Where've you been?" "I wish my grandson would date someone like you." "Hiya doll" (from Eddy, followed by a kiss on the hand.) I mean honestly. They do more for me than I do for them, I'm sure of it.

Gonna be in Hawaii one week from today-first Oahu, then Maui. I can't believe we're actually going; I am so friggin excited! The things we know we're doing are--seeing Pearl Harbor, going to the Polynesian Cultural Center (everyone's fave on Oahu, it seems like), doing snuba (somewhere between scuba and snorkeling i think), taking surfing lessons (that one's just me), and hiking thru the lush hills of Maui, among other things. My GOD I'm so excited.

And the last part of my update...sigh....
I of course have fallen for someone. It's the first person ever that I can't have and it sucks and hurts and I hate it and I haven't told him or anyone else that knows him. I just take all the time I can get with him and try to enjoy it as much as possible because I'd rather have him around me and not be mine than not have him at all. But damn.....it's like soooo good and soooo bad all at the same time. Definetly a lesson in patience or something...I hope.

Anyway, I met some other dude that's my age (bleh) at a coffee house who seems really nice and has just called and asked me to do lunch, so who knows? Maybe it'll be a good distraction.

I'm sure no one even reads this crap anymore, but if you do, I hope things are going really well for you and your summer is wonderful and you know...all that.

Talk to ya again in another several months, ol' friend blog. Buh bye~

AAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm reading a microbiology textbook today at work and reading about the Helicobacter genus, most famously known for being the cause of ulcers. There are several species, of course, and there was one that caught my eye. This particular species is only found in two places....are you ready for this? It's found in...............................................

homosexual men...............................................................................

and...............................................................................

hamsters.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahaha

Quote of the day

2006-02-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

"That guy is just too wussy for you. You need a guy that can change car parts. Yeah. But not, like, a mean one, because a lot of guys that can change car parts are mean. A nice guy. That can change car parts." - Gary

"I totally agree." -Me

One minute later...

"I can change any car part in 20 minutes." -Gary

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at my desk today at work thinking about Valentine's Day. For someone who hasn't been in a long relationship for awhile, you'd think I'd be more bitter than I am, but I really enjoyed today. I've eaten a lot of good things, and got to wear red and pink simultaneously which is a fashion no-no usually, so everything is just peachy. So, satisfied with today, I started thinking back to past Valentine's Days, and had a lot of fun thinking about the variety. So, of course, I thought I'd write about it.

My first, and only early Valentine's memory is making a red heart card with a white doiley in my elementry school in New Jersey. I brought it home and gave it to my mom, who had made a large heart cake. She used to make a lot of cakes, before she stopped believing in white flour. After this memory, no Valentine's Day is memorable until 8th grade.

My first HUGE crush was 8th grade. Turns out I ended up with the guy a few years later at a different Valentine's Day, but more on that below. I remember worrying for weeks about what I would get him if anything, and ended up getting him chocolate and some sort of bear, I believe. And maybe sent one of those school carnations, I don't know, but I went a little overboard I think. I don't know what he got me, but I remember it was something, and I remember I was happy. Very happy. And probably very squealy, as 13 year old girls are.

Can't remember freshman or sophomore years...and had a boyfriend for one of those, hehe, oops. Junior year I was taken out to dinner, and given a teddy bear, which has gone down as the ugliest teddy bear in history. I mean, THE UGLIEST. I was afraid to sleep with that thing at night. But it was the thought that counts, and I still have the bear....thing....to this day.

Senior year..oh, scandal. I had a boyfriend, the one back from 8th grade, who brought me a flower made of chocolate to school, and took me out to a movie that night (Sweet November, veeery romantic). We also went to Trambino's for dinner, but I think that part was my gift to him. The scandal lies in the 3rd corner of the love triangle. My best friend in high school, who was a guy, had some feelings for me and completely showed up my boyfriend with the gifs. AND brought them all to school. HE brought huge amounts of flowers and chocolate and had surprises all day, and ....wow. Wow. I mean, it was kind of bad because of the situation, but still, way to go man. Way to go out on the ledge there and not care what anyone else thought. And chocolate...yum.

Freshman year of college- still with previous boy, though not for long. Long distance at that point, of course. I sent him one of those cards that was about 2 feet tall and said something cheesy like "I love you thiiiiis much." His other gift from me is a very big secret that FEW know about. He sent me a diamond necklace in the mail. I thought, How lucky am I? About a week later, he broke up with me. Thought the necklace would "soften the blow" or something like that. Haven't worn the thing since.

Sophomore year- sick with the flu, and sleeping a lot. Boyfriend at the time decided to (while I was "sleeping") decorate the outside of my dorm room door with hearts he cut out of posterboard and pictures of the place we began our coupledom at with the words "I love you Erynn" written on them (all done on computer and looking very professional, of course). The entire door was covered. I could hear every bit of scotch tape he pulled off the roll, every "tap tap tap" when sticking hearts on the door, and every footstep as he walked away down the hall. But when I tiptoed out of bed to see just exactly what he'd done, I was floored, and very surprised. That night we had to cancel our date but he took very good care of me anyway. A very good Valentine's Day.

Junior year-new excitement. I tried to plan a romantic Valentine's evening in Sedona, but turns out, restraunts in Sedona are hard to come by on Feb.14. So the restraunt was just okay, but the evening turned out really nice. We went to see 50 First Dates in the afternoon. We even ended up at a grocery store buying really bad truckstop style food before dinner because I got hungry after waiting so long. I also had a friend buy me some champagne for the occasion, being 20 and all, because I thought it would help make the evening a little....smoother, if you will. It did. The whole thing was just nice and enjoyable.

Senior year- the first single year in awhile, as you can see. The girls and I had a Happy Un-Valentine's Day Party-if you're single, come on by. And they did. There was about 45 people at our house. We still decorated Valentiney though because we aren't complete scrooges. It was a lot of fun too, and I got a couple of dates afterwards with a guy that I met in my own house. But later he got really drunk at a party at his house, ignored me the whole night, and then spilled beer all down my front. Buh-bye. I miss those girls, though.

Today- still single, still okay with it. Ali and I baked 3 chocolate cheesecakes- one for my work, one for her work, and one for us of course. Today at work was enjoyable enough, and then I made a fantastic dinner- chicken parmisian, pasta, zucchini and mushroom sauted in olive oil and garlic, and sparkling apple cider, cause neither one of us drink much. And then of course chocolate cheesecake. Fabulous. Just fabulous. My mom also got me a gift and a beautiful card. And life is good.

Happy Valentine's Day, love you~

Check yes or no

2006-01-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I guess blogs are out this year, because nobody really writes in them anymore. However, my head is starting to get full again, of all the same thoughts, circling around and around, so it's time to get them out in the universe so that new thoughts can occupy my time.

Because my life is finally settling into a comfortable and much less dramatic cushy place, I have time for my good ol' frivilous thoughts of men, relationships, and all the icky love stuff. And due to the fact that I watch nothing but season after season of Sex and the City reruns, these thoughts come out in the form of witty banter, amusing to me, and maybe to you too. Maybe not. But I'm starting to feel like quite the expert on this crap. Now, before you think I'm full of myself here, I will honestly say I think I am AWFUL at dating, relationships, and stuff. The only thing I pride myself is the ability to flirt with anything. The other day at a stoplight, I turned to a good looking man in the car next to me and smiled, while turning my sunglasses down, to flash the eyes, you know. I have no idea why, feeling bold I guess. Know what he mouthed back? "Nice glasses......," with a big grin. But if he were to ask me out? My response would be something along the lines of "Shm hrm flesp leiz." Honestly. Terrible.
I had a point. Ah, yes, the fact that I am beginning to see myself as a bit of an expert. I've dated. I've hooked up. I've had the longest relationships (longest to date- 1 year, 2 months), and shortest (2 days). I've been set up. I've dated friends. Strangers. People that were convenient. People that I had no interest in. People I couldn't even look at I was so smitten with. People I met through this very here blog...haha. (You could be next! Muahaha). I was thinking about all the types of guys and the bad dates, the really great ones that you remember every moment of, the ones that ended with a face rape (bad kissers..ew) that left a scab, and the one that got away. And even though I don't consider myself the absolute greatest catch in the world due to certain, shall we say "issues" (can we say MENTAL? hehe) I look around at certain people that are engaged, or, heaven forbid, already married, and sometimes can't help but think, what do they have that I don't? Somewhere out there there has got to be someone that finds my quirky, somewhat strange, likes to fight just as much as she likes to...not fight (=) )... self quite pleasant. That's when I began to think maybe I'm not such an expert after all. And then I realized--dating today is completely fucked up.

Dating today--there are so many LEVELS. I mean, these days, best to start as friends, right? so you know you're not ending up with a liar/psycopath. Then maybe you'll go on to the occasional hook up. Then you've turned into "friends with benefits." What does this mean? It sounds to me like you hook up and then the guy pays for your dentist appointment and a bit of life insurance. If all goes well there (which it never does) then maybe you'll move into relationship status, or at least, going public with your "togetherness." Then there is the alternate route. If you start with a date with someone you don't know as a friend, this could progress to several dates, and then maybe "dating exclusively" (I have actually done this. It means you are dating and seeing nobody else. Umm.....isn't that what a relationship is? Boyfriend/ girlfriend? Know what this term is missing? Committment. Do not fall for this, ladies.) If all goes well, maybe one of these days a mutal decision is reached that you both want to be each other's significant other, with titles and everything. Wow. (Gag me.) I am not a hypocrite, I will not lie, I have put off having the girlfriend title much longer than I probably should have because of the committment that comes with it and the fear of yet another broken heart, but when it comes down to it, you can always break up, so it's not as big of a deal as we make it out to be. Getting back to it though, what exactly is dating to begin with? In a very popular 80s movie with a very young, cute John Cusack, a date is defined as "a meeting with the possibility of love." Yeah, maybe in the 80s. Today? "A meeting with the possibility, we hope, of a free dinner."
Anyhoo.
It used to be simple. About 50 years ago, cute boys asked cute girls to share a chocolate shake and, if things got serious, wear his pin. About 35 years ago, a cute, if not a little high, boy would ask a long haired girl, with a flower in it, "Hey baby....wanna check out my van?" 9 monts later a baby named Willow was born. About 20 years ago, a guy with really bad hair, would ask a girl with shoulder pads "Feel like hanging out in my basement? I got the new Thriller record! And I think there's a dance to it!" And about 16 years ago, a little boy chased a little girl (moi) around a playground shouting "I love you! I want to marry you! COME BACK! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!"

So easy!

Talking to my roomate the other day, she was telling me a story about two kids in her class that are so obviously smitten with each other. They were trying to spend as much time as possible together and kept getting all touchy...and the entire class could tell they liked each other.

I think if we could just put aside our thoughts of "I'd tell him if I KNEW he'd be interested too" "I'd go for it if he didn't have that girlfriend (that treats him like crap)." "But I dated his friend...and his other friend...he's probably heard so many bad things about me" "I can't hurt him anymore, and I can't let him hurt me anymore." There's just too much baggage and too much pressure...we adults (is that what we are now? really?) do not know what the hell we are doing.

When I was 11 I got a note from a boy named Alex. It said "Do you want to be my girlfriend? Check yes or no." with two boxes drawn for my answer.

I miss those days.

And yet, I can't go back to them. I mean, what if I tell him, and he's just not interested? =)

Do you ever just get bored with yourself?

2006-01-01T21:35:00.000-08:00

I know I do.

2006

2005-12-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

This last week has been fantastic. It started with Christmas, which was great. I worked about 5 hours on Christmas day, which most people would see as sucky, but it really wasn't bad. Pat said it. She said "You know, I'm not at all dissappointed being here today. I get to be with all of you," with complete sincerity. I felt the same way. Yay for work family.
I loved all the time I got to spend with my actual family too. We do pretty damn well together, all things considering. Found out my cousin in engaged.... Sorry. The guy is old, with kids. I don't really get it, but whatever. At least I don't have to marry him. But besides that, there was good food, good coversation, lots of laughs, and LOTS of presents. They never stop, I swear. See, that's the greatest benefit to not being married at my age and being seen as an adult...I still get lotsa stuff like one of the kids. =) And I don't mind it.
I had a shit day due to people's laziness at work on Wednesday and then went to the gym and had this old nasty guy hit on me and (ew) drip sweat on me, which I think made me throw up, just a little, so I wasn't in such a good mood by the time I got to my parents house for dinner. I walked in and saw a piece of mail with my name on it, so I opened it and saw a paycheck....but it wasn't payday, and I don't get my checks in the mail....so I look a little closer and notice the fine print "Sign-on bonus." This was something I'd forgotten about as it was only mentioned once six months ago. But my first six months is up at work, and my TWO THOUSAND DOLLAR SIGN ON BONUS appeares, as if sent down from the heavens. Okay, to me that's a lot of money. At least, for just being handed to you. So yippee!
So then today I went shopping. Haha, actually, I did shop, but not with that money, with all the gift cards from Christmas. Got some seriously cute things at NY and Co., New Balance tennis shoes, the....IPEX....by...Victoria's....Secret...oh my god, it's like wearing a supportive cloud, I tell you. And some other good things. This week was just all about good things--for example:
The RANDOM night I had last night. My high school best friend, Michael, is in town, and as popular as that kid is, he still found an evening to hang out with me, which, of course started at the usual Dion's. However, this is, after all, Albuquerque and it was 9 pm, and there was nothing to do. So after many quick turns of my car and some suggestions that led to no where, we were, and God only knows the reason, on our way to Santa Fe. We arrived around 10, and drove around until we found the only thing open in all of Santa Fe, which was this little, beatnik (is that how that's spelled? I should know, I'm part Flagstaffian) coffee house filled with interesting looking people. After that it was off to the square, or the plaza, or whatever it's called. There we did some dancing on the stage they have there to the music of a band jammin out in the Ore House (whore house...hehe), and the proceeded to drive back and hang out at the apt. Granted, we didn't do much in Santa Fe or much in Albuquerque, but it was all really great and the car rides were fun, and I just really appreciated someone willing to do something completely random and not think it was weird, or boring, or anything. Nobody wants to try anything fun or new these days, everybody does the same shit--drinking, watching movies, going downtown, sitting around people's apartments....is this really all people my age are willing to do anymore? C'mon ya'll. I know I do it all too, but I still appreciate some good old fashioned random fun, and even if the destination is kinda worthless, the ride was really fun.
Now that I knocked drinking and hanging out at people's apartments, what are ya'll doing for New Years? =) Haha, actually, I had some pretty cool plans with the latest interest, but alas, it didn't work out, as it never does. Man, I have issues. =) At least I can laugh at them, and maybe someday I'll find someone that will love me anyway. In the meantime, I am buying myself lots of pretty things to distract myself. Whoever says money can't buy happiness is completely filled with shit.

Hrm, what else?

2006 is in, like a day, so that's really cool. I'm SO looking forward to saying goodBYE and good RIDDINS to 2005. Fucking year. Goodbye to--car accidents, saying goodbye to friends, studying, illness, bad decisions, regrets, panic attacks, heartbreak from family, heartbreak from moving, heartbreak from...well, you know. Ahhhhh.............feels really good.

Happy New Year~

Week in review at S.E.D. labs--

2005-12-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

-Had a conversation about how prenatal vitamins before drinking will prevent any hangover.
-Cleaned almost the entire lab, and, while cleaning found what I think was at one point a zuccini, covered in mold and other types of fungus.
-Was called "a girl. I mean, you are REALLY a GIRL."
-Was lent "Cool Hand Luke"
- Was lent "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" so that I would learn to respect mice, whatever the hell that means.
-Went to the Christmas party at Gardunos where I: held a CUTE baby, danced with the cute baby, got drooled on by the cute baby, wore a pretty fucking awesome outfit, met some great spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, and kids, and was told when my margarita arrived "You are too young to drink!"
-Dry heaved from a specimen.
-Was asked if I'd ever seen Chippendales. When I said, No, but have seen Thunder Down Under, generated much interest.
-Wrote out almost all of my Christmas cards (slow day).
-Laughed so hard I cried, for the first time ever at work, due to new guy's extreme funniness.
-Ate LOTS of chocolate. LOTS.
-Was scolded for dropping a truffle by a worse chocolate addict than me. "You just wasted perfectly good chocolate."
-Dressed up.
-Dressed down.
-Fixed one of the the most important machines in the lab with a bobby pin from my hair, like a "ninja" according to my supervisor.
-Oh yeah....and did some microbiology.

Balls

2005-11-30T19:40:00.000-08:00

Warning- strange post.

So last night's Sex in the City rerun, which is what my life has turned into, was called Belles of the Balls, and every ball pun that could be invented was used in that show, and it was funny. And now I will update all of the latest trying to use the same pun. Probably won't be as funny.

Work- Is fine as usual. There is a new guy at work and I've gotten to train him which is pretty cool, and has made me feel like I have much larger balls instead of balls the size of peanuts, which was how I used to feel at work. Considering I actually have no balls, this is a good feeling. I'm feeling more and more comfortable talking to everyone at work about really anything now. For example, yesterday , out loud, I used the word vagina (in reference to The Vagina Monologues), and today I used the word penis (in reference to the Penis Mightier). Both times I was talking to the same person, who probably thinks of me as very strange now, but at least I didn't say balls.

Social life- The only expression I have for this is Balls! Things aren't going like I want them to, and the ball is completely out of my court. I am a 22 years old going on 80. The good thing about this is, I'm very content being alone, which keeps the ball of life rolling along happily. At least I feel good and look good and am not going ball-ed. Okay that was lame.

Football- The Steelers lost, but I kind of expected it since the Colts are on fire. But that won't stop me from saying that Peyton Manning has small balls. He's a wussy little bitch boy who can throw a ball, I'll admit, but does not own a pair of them. And yes, the Steelers kind of dropped the ball on this game, but I still want my QB Ben...all of him...yep, even those.

Hmm, this is fun for me, if not for all of you.

Dammit, I lost my train of though. Oh well. Someday I'll try this with the word fuck. I have a feeling that one will be better.

Christmas balls are pretty. Okay that was my last one.

A real update someday soon. If I have anything to talk about. Ever. The end.

Long lost blog!

2005-11-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

Why hello! Can you believe this is the first time since my last update that I've had time to update? I didn't know this whole real world/get a job thing took up so much time! Let's see, where can I begin....

I'm getting so much better at my job. I just learned a new section and am already doing pretty good at it. They said it'd take 6 months to feel comfortable at my job, and as I'm approaching that 6 months mark, I can see they are right. Hallelujah. =) It's nice to be a part of patient care, even if I'm quite removed from the patient.

I went to Phoenix a couple of weekends ago and had a really wonderful time. I did many things I've never done before- see Rob Thomas, ride upside down/sideways/forward on this wild ride thing, have flan, and rollerblade...in the zoo. =) How cool is that? I've never had so many wonderful activities planned just because of me coming into town. It felt absolutly lovely.

I am so so so so sooooooooo excited that Christmastime is approaching. The lumarias are going up, the tree is coming out, and all the good food...oh, I can't wait. This year is a little different than past years too. The last few years I was living away from home and so by the time my winter break did start I just wanted to be lazy and not help with all the fun Christmas stuff, plus, I usually did my own baking and giving cards and baked goods to friends, so I didn't want to do any of that either. But this year, not only do I get to do all that with my family, but I'm very excited to do so. Since May, I've learned the importance of my family more than ever, and though they are slighly dysfunctional, and crazy and have problems, I love them and wouldn't be anything without them. And so this Christmas season feels more special than the others already, and it's not even Thanksgiving yet. And it's all getting kicked off next Saturday with the annual craft fair and seeing The Nutcracker at Popejoy. =) Ahh, happiness.

This probably reads like a very boring blog, I just realized because I have no crazy stories or drama to tell you about, but know what? That's a nice feeling. Everything (almost) is going along just as planned for the year/years off between school-I'm learning to do things like cook, cross stick, knit, and other handy skills. I've lost about 4 pounds in the last couple of weeks and feel really good, which after last year is almost unheard of. The lymph nodes? NOT SWOLLEN. Time with my family? Definetly spending it. Happy? Yeah. Weird huh? =) There's something very satisfying about being on your own, free, young, doing whatever you want whenyou want and being able to afford it as well. Everybody says I'm going to look back on this time and really appreciate it. I think they're right.

Happy Thanksgiving if we don't talk before!

Oh yeah--- Go Steelers.

Inconsiderate

2005-10-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Hokay, so...

As I type this, know I am in a good mood. I'm happy because I'm feeling better (hoorah!) and feeling very chatty and bubbly and all good things, etc. BUT I have a bone to pick with the world. I know people can be self centered. I am very good at it myself. But as one that has realized that she is much much happier when focusing on others, as she herself is messed up in the head, I'd think others would have come to this realization too. But no. Today, for example....

Girl, wait, no, woman (thirties) at work who I admittedly do not like (no, not to her face, are you crazy? she'd eat me alive) replied to my sneeze yesterday with "I'd better not get sick. My birthday is next week and I will NOT be sick on my birthday." Then, she starts sneezing once every, like 6 minutes, which makes me giggle. And with each sneeze she gets madder and madder and each time says (and imagine this in a growling voice of a demon) "I WILL NOT GET SICK ON MY BIRTHDAY...I WILL NOT...."

So anyway. Thanks for the well wishers out there through this very yucky flu that had me these past few days, I appreciate it very much. Self-centered-ness is really the root of all evil, I've decided, and because of that am going to stop talking about myself this instant. At least, for tonight. =)

Night my dear sweet friends~

Thoughts

2005-10-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

About a week ago my Mom and I were talking, and she was telling me stories about my Nana (Dad's mom). The woman is slightly crazy (that's being polite). Having her as a grandmother is strange enough but as a mother, I couldn't imagine. My poor dad. Then, my mom and I were talking about her side of the family, and all the shit, including, but not limited to: drugs, eating disorders, autism, fuck-ed up step family, divorce due to the husbands homosexuality, divorce due to a lack of maturity, mental illness, more drugs, and general selfishness/meanness. It's funny because my mom always complains about my dad's side of the family...well...her side may just be worse. And so, I looked my Mom dead in the eye and said "Mom...how...the HELL....am I supposed to turn out anything but completely fucked up?" She threw her head back in laughter and, although I wasn't actually kidding, I did too, because really, what else can you do in these situations? Oh help! They're mental....but God love em.

Went to church tonight for the first time in, oh, I dont' know, 3 years. I really didn't know how to feel about it. So much of what I believe has changed and I'm not sure organized religion is for me. I believe in God, and the Bible, but I don't understand some parts...and some days the thought creeps into my head "What if it's all made up? What if this whole thing is some hoax, or the Bible is some fictional story some guy wrote and what if there is another planet out there that is 10,000 times bigger than we are and just run our lives for amusement?" Okay, is that last part weird? I don't know, I have thoughts like this. See above for an explanation of my fucked up-edness.

There are other things I believe in more, like kindness towards others (though I don't always exemplify this), or chocolate.

Today I realized that all the people I don't really get along with at work are the women under the age of 35. My work friends are all mothers and wives, and divorcees, and grandmothers, yes, grandmothers. We talk about their families and what they're up to, and it's just a lot more interesting than what people my own age have going on in their lives. Sometimes I think I act too old for my age. But when it comes down to it, I like the old cat lady inside me.

If you're still reading, you have probably realized I didn't have anything to say really, just felt like hearing myself talk. So I think I'll go get some of my kind of religion now--chocolate and a good movie in a pillowtop bed, dreaming of an island that is completely secluded except for me, the trees, and maybe a chimp to hang out with. (I realized today how much I would enjoy that, as I treasure alone time almost more than being with people time...damn, I'm strange). Good night.

Oh yeah, by the way, I have a comment on Ricky's blog: Amen. Men should be men. For awhile I thought that those pretty men were wonderful, but as my friend Amanda says "Erynn, metrosexual really just means homosexual." I don't mind the occasional cry as long as there is an attempt to hide it, and I like a guy to have hygiene, but DAMMIT guys. There is enough estrogen out there with just us, okay? Go build a shed. Have a beer with each other and talk all the crap about women you want...trust me, we do it to you too. Yell at the tv when football is on. Say stupid things and then apologize. Just be men. Thank you. This has been a public service announcement.

...........

2005-10-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

=)

Nuff said.

Bugger

2005-10-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

Just watched Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason for the umpteenth time, and must say, like a good wine, gets better every day. That woman is my heroine.

Okay, lost the accent. But it's taking everything I have not to talk that way because you know how it is. You watch a movie that has characters with cool accents and then you can't possibly (british translation: con't possiblee) speak any other way for days.

Well, here it is, another Saturday night, alone, in my apartment. Spinster crazy cat lady here I come. Except without the cat...and the talent to knit something. DAMMIT.

I suppose I should give you a real update, not all this random shit, but really, what is my blog if it's not made up of random shit? Here is my best attempt to tell you of all the going ons in the last few weeks--

Last weekend was fabulous. And really, the parts I planned out were good, but the spontaneous, random stuff was even better. Oh by the way, I'm talking about having my first house guest in my new apartment. We had a lovely time (back in British, dangit) and I was pleasantly surprised about the insane amount of movie/television knowledge that my guest exhibited...someone close to my level even. Scary thought, but good to know that others are as sick as I am. There were also a few very amusing incidents, one of which included a toddler that stood about a foot in front of my face and clapped his little hands away, while I clapped along with him, and when I pointed at something for him to look at, he took off running for it, much to his mother's dismay, another little boy who could not do or say anything besides point to the fire inside a balloon, and, with a very serious expression say "Hot." repeadtedly, AND a funny moment when realizing that our waiter at Bucca was, in fact, a twin, and we'd been asking both server twins to serve us all night.

After my fabulous, albeit, rainy weekend of good times, I had another very stupid week from hell. If any of you really know me, you know I'm not the easiest to listen to, because when I have a problem, I don't mind sharing it with the world...yes, I know this isn't the most charming trait for a person to have, but I ain't changing it anytime soon, so get over it. However, in all seriousness, this is THE WORST time my family has ever gone through. At this point it's hard not to feel like the little hopeless depression ball that does the Zoloft commercials. It'd be easier if the world just folded over on itself and swallowed me up. What a strange thought.

I don't even know what to do anymore to help. I feel like I've done all I can, only to have my mother tell me last night "You have done NOTHING to HELP at ALL." Wow. Talk about complete and utter heartbreak. With this information, after a long and hurtful fight, of course, I came back to my apartment (don't really know how I got there either, it was all a blur) and then proceeded to have panic attack #4 of my life. These are not fun. I made the mistake of telling someone I was having one too, because I was worried and thought maybe talking would help, but it didn't, and now I'm mortified. How embarrasing "Hi, I'm having a panic attack." Ugh. Why do I think that is appropriate? So I just put my head between my knees, kept saying in my head "BREATHE, BREATHE" because I wasn't, and then eventually passed out (asleep, not literally passed out) on my bed to awake this morning in my clothes with the biggest bags under my eyes I've ever seen, and a migrane. Off to take the EMT exam!

I guess there isn't much more to say about the family situation, I mean, I was told not to even talk about it to people because my parents don't want others to know all the going ons, but I'm a heart on her sleeve kinda girl, so it's very hard for me not to talk about these things. I just so desperatly wish I had one friend here, just one, that would take me out for coffee and tell me everything is going to be alright. I don't have that though. And calling my far away friends isn't the same. Then I'd just bitch at them over the phone and, having been on the other end of friendships like that, know how awful it is. Honestly, it is getting pretty lonely around here though, and outlets to find friends are not as available as I'd hoped. And it's funny, because even though I know there are people that care about me, all I could say to myself over and over last night was "I have no one. I cannot talk to anyone about this. I have no one." It's the worst feeling in the world, and someday very soon, it has to change. If I only knew how...

WHEW. WHAT A LOAD OFF.

So the EMT test was interesting. Starbucks dude was there, yes, that's right, boy that made me black tea lemonades EVERY DAY this summer before EMT class, also was there trying to become an EMT today...ahh, the irony. He saw me and said "Black tea lemonade!" and I said,"Starbucks guy!" I couldn't believe it. There were 3 other people I knew too, but I knew them from class, so it wasn't as exciting. One was my ex-stalker (nice guy though, when not stalking..hmm), Eddy, who is totally my buddy, I was so happy to see him, and Steve, who was lovingly referred to hot ditzy guy behind his back...reminds me of stupid blonde college girls, except in guy form, with dimples. So it was a mini reunion. I'm just glad the guy I went on a few awkward dates with wasn't there, cause WHOA could that have been a sticky situation. Lucky me.

Hey, you probably want to know about the test itself. My, are you even still reading this? Your life is more boring than mine! The test, well, I failed it. No, I don't know the real results yet, and yes, I am that girl that goes "No, guys, really, seriously this time, I failed it...I know I did, it was just horrible" when I got a 91 or something, but honest to God, I remember our teacher talking about auto-fails and what it would take to automatically fail, and walking out of my scenario I smacked my head after realizing that no, I did not say I'm checking Dr. Pat--right drug, route, patient, amount, and time= DRPAT. That is indeed an auto fail. So I sulked my way to my car, got in, realized "Wait a minute...I'm a microbiologist...who's getting damn good at her job....and makes a shitload more money than EMTs...this was only a back up plan in case I didn't get a great job, which I did..." and that's when I started laughing. And laughing. And laughing. Because, (as if you didn't already know) I'm a perfectionist right down to the last crumb in the corner of the living room, and I FINALLY FAILED SOMETHING. I mean, I've failed stuff before (Hello...relationships, anyone?) but school wise? Oh hell no. Never. And I don't want to make it a habit but GOD if felt good to fail and not give a damn. I was like one of those lazy ass sons of bitches I hate so much. AH! Good times...

Or maybe I've finally lost my mind.

Oh, finally, one more story. My arm is starting to hurt so it's all I have time for. When I was sitting waiting before the practical in the lecture hall, two guys said, "Hey, we have a question for you." so I said "Okay." And the first guy goes "When you have a gunshot wound to the back, do you lay left lateral recumbant, or do you take spinal precautions and go with the long spine board and C-collar?" And I had no fucking clue, so I said "I'm sorry, I don't know." And then guy #2 decides to unwisely say "Oh, sorry, you looked smart. Guess not."

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. At this point the bitch face came on and I said "Oh, I am smart." And when he then said "Then answer this..", and started to ask another one, I said, quietly, but loud enough for them to hear "Fuck off."

Whew! If that's not like me I don't know what is....or isn't...well anyway, it's not like me at all, but OH MY GOD who would say that? You looked smart, guess not? Eat your ass, buddy.

Sorry, off soapbox.

Alright, happy thoughts--puppies, and fairies, and bubbles, and rainbows, and all things smiley and beautiful and little black dresses and Chad Kroeger's voice (lead singer of Nickleback) which makes me want to orgasm every time I hear it, and la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Night~

"This guy was griping about my grammar and saying I was pretentious. I wanted to write him a letter and say, 'How's this for grammar? Fuck off.'" -Ashley Judd

So my life just got incredibly busy..go figure.

2005-10-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, so basically a lot has happened since the last actual update. But I don't even have that much time to write now, so it won't be as detailed as I would like. Oh well.

Lets see, it all started last weekend when I took off West to my favorite place- Flagstaff. When I first got there I took about 45 minutes to walk around campus, walk through the bio building, check the med school acceptance list by the biomed office to see if anyone else got in since I last checked (they didn't), etc etc. The flood of emotions that came back just being on North campus was more than I've felt anything all summer. It was wonderful just to remember what it felt like to be alive and be happy. Yeah, I know that sounds really stupid, but if you even knew half of what this summer entailed, you would know what I meant. It was just a lighning bolt of ecstatic.
I stayed at my friend Lucie's all weekend. She was so hospitable! I had my own key and room and bed...she was just fantastic the whole time and it made it a very relaxing and comfortable weekend. I got to spend lots of good quality time with her and Steph, both of who I've missed these last few months! We got in some good shopping and downtown time (god I love it down there) and I even ate Cold Stone, which is totally illegal, but it was worth it. I also went to a hockey game which was a very new experience with some familiar faces that showed up. Three people that were in Northern Lights, back in the day, were there and I got GLARES from them. I was kinda like Yeah, back atcha bitches, but I was too happy to notice for more than a second. It's just amazing how you don't see the people you like that much but you see Northern Lights everywhere...well, at least I do. =)
Also while in Flag, I got to finally meet my friend from Phoenix which was completely lovely. We also spent time downtown and had lunch at (yuuuuuuuuuuuum) Beaver St. Brewery. Mm. Anyway, this friend is also coming to visit me this weekend to see the balloons, which is also going to be a lot of fun. Also, I got to see Amanda a couple of times which was so great! Gosh I get to missin that girl. It was so good to talk to one of my girls, and I wish so much that we could all be together again, having coffee at the Coffee Bean or dancing in some skanky bar...maybe someday soon we can all get together and go on some big trip or something. Finally, I saw Kevin, my most recent ex boyfriend, for the first time since our very calm breakup. We had dinner and I thought it might be awkward but it wasn't at all. I think because we had such an easy going end to our relationship it made things very easy to just pick up where we left off, and where we left off was pleasant. And it was one of those things where all the thoughts you'd ever had on the subject kinda came together and made sense..what I mean is, I sometimes forget why I ever was with him to begin with because sometimes he drove me crazy with his army ranger harshness, and sometimes I think Gosh he was great, what happened? (although to be honest it's not as frequent a thought as the first one). But at this dinner I remembered everything I liked about him and I remembered every reason we broke up and it just made sense. Yay for clarity. Yay for adult relationships that are drama free. Yay.
The weirdest thing that happened while there was while I was walking around through campus I was thinking about my future--the career I'm going to choose (still up in the air), the place I'll live, the people I'll live with...and I was thinking how am I ever going to make any of these choices? They all seem so permanent. However, the first one, the career one, needs to be decided sometime soon and it's really been weighing on my mind..so I was thinking I wish someone would just tell me what I need to do to be happy...I wish I knew whether I should be teaching at a great university in a small college town or be treating patients, like I always thought I would, whether as a PA or a DO or an MD...I just wish something would give me a hint. Then I looked up and saw a huge construction site over next to the bio building. I went to see what this was all about and there was a picture of a new building that's going up--and it's a new lab facility for the school, which to me was a very obvious sign.
Now, I don't know if you believe in signs or not...or any of that crap really. I used to but then they let me down a lot and so I stopped believing in all of it. But at that moment, I got chills and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

Alright, off the Flagstaff topic.

To catch you up on the every day crap--work is good, as usual. I'm finally getting good..not great, but good at my job. It's a nice feeling. I've also given up on wearing scrubs every day and have gotten up and put on a skirt and heels to go with my lab coat. It's so much better to feel sexy and confident at work than like a wrinkled potato (I don't know, that what I feel like).
Project Gym is also coming along-the only bad thing is that I currently weigh more than I ever have in my life, which really bothered me at first, but I have analyzed every inch of my body and noticed that it's getting a lot more toned than it used to be. Basically, I'm building muscle, and that's why I weigh more...so I'm accepting the weight.
I'm also studying every day for the EMT state exam which is in about a week and a half in Santa Fe. I don't know if I'll ever get a job in EMS, but I'd like the option, and I'd like to know that I completed the course to the fullist. I'm also terrified of the test (a panel of people watch you save a patient after giving you an unknown scenario) and I want to prove to myself that I can do it.

As for the boring crap, that's about it. The last bit of news is semi vague, but I'll share a little because it'll make me feel better to talk about it...

The only thing I'll really say is that this past Sunday I got to use my newly acquired EMT skills to help rescue/save (both sound heroic, which it wasn't) a member of my immediate family. And holy shit, is that the worst feeling in the world. I was a mess, screaming and crying and shaking, but I managed to do some things right, thank God. Anyway, it was something that will terrify me in flashbacks for a long time (it already has) and I hope none of you ever have to deal with anything like it.
Enough said.

Alright, so to sum it up- I miss Flagstaff and looooove everyone there and wish I could be living there because my God, wouldn't life be easier, job is good, body is better, health is good, busy as hell, family is hanging in there, and a great fun person is going to be here in a few days and we're going to have a great time.

Whew. That was exhausting.
Night all~

Leave your name and a comment and...

2005-09-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. (Um, this one's dumb. New #3: I'll tell you what your superpower would be.)
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

I heart endorfins

2005-09-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

Is that how you spell endorfins? I'm not sure.

Hello blog. How have you been old friend? I've been spectacular. See, I've discovered this thing, called the gym. I kiiiiiiiind of hate it while I'm there like "Ughhhhhh....30 more minutes....ugghhhhh....25 more minutes.....ugh....at least I'm not as fat as her....arrrrrrrrrrgh....god I need chocolate......uuf...I don't know what they mean when they say girls don't sweat, I'm dripping here.....oooowwwwwww.....fuuuuuuckkkkk...." you get the picture. But my good god, I leave there feeling like a supermodel. Granted, I'm not, but it's the feeling that counts. Basically, due to the energy and spiffy keen chemicals my body is releasing I am so HAPPEEEEEEE.
Isn't is sick? I'm bounce off the walls grin like you have a hanger in your mouth slap you on the ass with a wink and a smile happy. There must be other reasons besides the exercise though, right? I mean no one can be completely fulfilled by just working out.

Well, okay, here are the other kinda nifty things that have happened lately.

This week I actually went out and did shit. I didnt come home after work (and the gym) and make some makeshift dinner and spend the evening alone like I've gotten very good at doing. No, I went and got free movie tickets to the sneak of Just like Heaven and Ali and I went to that. That movie is cute, ya'll. These days, I'm actually getting kinda sick of the romancy schmany stuff (I know, right? Me? But yes.), but this movie was almost original, besides the fact that it was kiiiiind of like Ghost or something..anyway, anything w/Reese or Mark (like I know them) is fine by me. Oh, AND there was a little trivia contest thing before the movie, and I won the book Just Like Heaven for answering a question right out of the entire movie audience! Sweet huh? I'm like a regular four leaf clover, I'm so lucky, as you'll see next.
Then, Monday night I'm driving home from (where else?) the gym, and on the radio the dude says "Be caller 10 right now and win 311 tickets." I'm like, shit , what the hell? I never call in for these things. The only other time I tried calling was when they offered some tickets if you could name all of the characters from the Golden Girls, first and last names. And yes, I know that. (Blanche Devereux, Dorthy Spornak, Sofia Petrillo, and Rose Nylan). BUT, alas, I did not win those tickets. HOWEVER, I was caller ten on Monday night and won something for the first time ever! So I was pretty damn psyched.
Funny thing about that though. That concert was the biggest waste of time...hahahaha, right Ali? So of course, my wonderful friend and roomate, who has been babysitting me a lot these days, tagged along since my social life is non existant and I had no one else to ask, and we get there and the concert is being held in this concrete room that seems underground in the convention center. The opener band was on stage when we arrived, and everyone was standing around the stage, jumping around and had their hands in that "rock on" looks like "I love you" in sign language but a little different position. Ali goes "This is the weirdest thing I've ever been to." I didn't know where to go, and not wanting to go into that...crowd...thing...I headed off towards the food...naturally. We stood by the food for what seemed like 87 minutes. Then we sat against a wall for awhile. All this time, the opening band is playing and its so loud I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest, beat its way up to the front of the crowd, and dance around with them, waving its little ventricles in the air.
So that band finishes and the lights come on and we see that we are (except for one couple that looked in their 40s) THE OLDEST PEOPLE IN THERE. Everybody there looked about 16. Ali and I then realized we needed coffee because, having worked all day like adults do, we are tired, so we try to leave to get coffee but they tell us if we leave we cannot come back. So now not only am I surrounded by 16 year olds, I feel like one. I still was in need of caffeine, so it was back to the food stand where I bought a watered down Pepsi from a woman who felt it necessary to comment on the size of the hotdogs..."They're a quarter pound!" Haha, actually, those things were huge...quite...girthy.
Yep, so we then trekked to the other side of the concrete dungeon and sat against the wall on that side, right next to the couple in their 40s. Finally, 311 comes out and I'm thinking "Yes, time for some good music." Wow.....so I guess I didn't realize I only know about 4 songs by 311, all of which are, apparently, their mellower stuff. They come on and it's like LOUD CRASH BANG RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dealt with this for approximatly 3.3 minutes before looking at Ali and screaming "YOU WANNA GO GET SOME COFFEE?"

And that was the end of the 311 concert.

Really, those have been my events of the week. Tonight I went to the bosses house for a dinner of solely appetizers and things I should not have eaten but DID! Oh, it was glorious. I just can't say it enough either, I adore the people I work with. Adore. Microbiologists really must be a lot alike because even though we seem different there is an underlying dirty nasty vulgar humor, which even some of my closest friends do not see come out of me. But, oh, my coworkers...they are just as bad if not worse and they let it all show..and I just love it. And Pat, my work mom, is becoming more and more awesome, she is so much fun to talk to. Even though I have no friends my own age, they are my friends, and I'm quite appreciative of that.

Yeah, I got nothing else.

Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuchwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

(That, for all of you that don't know, is a big kiss)

Night~

Wowza

2005-09-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

So today at work I was more than slightly loopy due to about 3 hours of sleep last night. I tossed and turned all night from a stomach ache, anyway, not the point. I was so out of it that I threw two things toward the trashcan, missed both (I was about 2 feet from the can) and then walked away from it thinking I made both shots. My boss stopped me and said "You know neither of those things went in the trashcan, right?" and I looked up at him with glazed over eyes and said "Hmm? Oh..." and continued walking away before realizing, Hi, yeah, that's your boss. Go pick those things up.

So then I go to run errands after work. I go to the Hasting's drop off box to drop a video off, and drive up to it so the passenger door pulls right up next to it. I realize, hm, there is no one here to put the movie in and I'm too tired to reach, so I drive around the parking lot to go up to the drop off box again. I end up back at the box exactly the same way. So I'm like DAMMIT, and drive around again, and yes, third time's a charm.

Then I gotta head to vitamin cottage for some probiotics (hallelujah for good bacteria) and I'm walking through the aisles when something catches my eye. It's a supplement called "Horny Goat Weed." I kid you not! So I'm standing in this aisle, staring at the box, when all of the sudden POP, a thought comes into my head of this weed smoking goat who smokes so much that he gets completely randy and fucks everything in sight. This of course makes me laugh out loud in the middle of the aisle. Ah, horny weed smoking goats.

Then I got a nap in.

Amen.

Trying to keep busy

2005-09-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

Sitting here contemplating stuff...what a few days...I'm glad they're over, and it's truly back to work tomorrow. I enjoy the monotony of work. Last night was fun. Michael, a friend from high school came over from like 10 until 3:30 and we caught up. It was completely lovely, and I was so glad to see him. After that, I was bugging Gus about not being able to hear his voice, so I got a 4am phone call. I'm happy I got to hear it finally, and it's TOO SEXY!!!!! Ahaha.
So today I was driving and thinking to myself "You know what I hate? Blah blah blah, and know what else I hate? Blah blah..." and see, I say blah because I don't even remember what I hated, because THEN I thought "Wow, Ms. Negative, what exactly is it that you LIKE?" So to get it all out, here is a list of the things I hate, in no particular order. And then AFTERWARDS, to rid myself of these negative thoughts, a list of likes to counter the hates. Here goes:

HATES:
1. People who chew loudly.
2. That commercial where the girl sings "888-4453" over and over again.
3. Gluten.
4. Spitting.
5.Senseless violence and wars.
6. People who get depressed when they drink instead of giddy and carefree.
7. Heavy metal.
8. People wearing silver and gold in the same outfit.
9. Cigarettes.
10. Parking spaces that are too close together.
11. That you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway...just kidding, I don't hate that.
12. Bushes. Especially those named George, Laura, Jenna, and Barbara.
13. Dog drool.
14. Cat litter.
15. The popping of gum, especially if you are over the age of 15.
16. Gambling.
17. The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
18. Liars.
19. Bad drivers.
20. Smog.
21. Making sure everyone knows how busy you are, even if it takes a lot of time to tell them. 22. Bad kissers.
23. Hurricanes.
24. Those who think adopting kids is a bad idea because your kids won't look like you.
25. Lonliness.
26. When you buy someone a present and they already have it.
27. Too orange of tans, too short of skirts, or too blonde of hair.
28. Guys that are so metrosexual that they aren't MEN anymore.
29. Girls that are just a liiiitle too chubby to be wearing that midriff.
30. Racism.
31. People who spread rumors to feel BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES because they don't know any other way to do it.
32. Bright red urine. Ha, don't ask.
33. Getting stressed so bad that you lose all your stuff, causing you to get more stressed out. 34. Posers.
35. Avocados.
36. Waking up right before your alarm goes off.
37. Guys that you dont want on your ass at the bars that DON'T GET OFF.
38. Autism.
39. Putting away groceries.
40. Losing touch with those you care about.
41. Guns
42. Egg salad
43. Any sort of camp songs or long bus ride songs, aka, 99 bottles of anything
44. Tom Cruise
45. Gas prices...again, see #12
46. Airplanes
47. That smell the garbage gets after a few days of everything in it just kinda festering together.
48. Driving in snowstorms
49. Illness, disease, pain.
50. Moments of weakness

Likes: One to counter every hate.
1. Those who chew quitely, and the sweet dinner you can have with them.
2. The subway commercial with the nerdy guys that laugh about an "Apprentice level galyidon"
3. New recipes to try to avoid gluten.
4. Swallowing. EW! Haha. Wow, totally not what I meant about spitting either. Oh well. It's just, how else do you counter spitting?
5. People that are willing to fight for what they think is right.
6. People who get drunk and are giddy and carefree because of it.
7. Country =)
8. People whose outfits match beautifully and are accessorized flawlessly.
9. Quitting smoking.
10. Garages
11. That I said "That you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway" under hates. Classic.
12. Bushes. Ones that are pretty and have flowers growing on them.
13. The dog that comes with the drool.
14. The cat that comes with the litter.
15. Learning how to pop gum, and then never doing it again.
16. Going to Vegas and seeing others gamble.
17. Orlando Bloom in anything but the Lord of the Rings Trilogy
18. People who seek out the truth in others.
19. Hot cars, even if the drivers are bad.
20. Small cities with clean air (ahem, FLAGSTAFF)
21. Being busy and being happy about it. At least you're not at home bored off your ass.
22. Teaching bad kissers the WAY YOU LIKE IT
23. The strength that comes out of a person that went through a hurricane.
24. Adoption. Period.
25. Being alone. =)
26. When you buy someone the perfect gift, one they've been waiting for, and you've never felt better.
27. Natural tans or paleness, knee length skirts, and haircolor that's flattering, whether natural or dyed.
28. Men. Men that don't tweeze their eyebrows, shave ONLY their face, and are waiting at the door for you to finish getting ready instead of the other way around.
29. Girls that are just a little chubby and it's so amazingly flattering on them. Curves rock.
30. Tolerance.
31. People who do good for others to FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES. Nothing wrong with that.
32. Yellow pee. Normal, yellow pee.
33. The calm after the stress storm.
34. Individuals.
35. Other good for you fatty foods, like almonds or salmon.
36. Being woken up right before you were about to wake up, by kisses or a soft voice in your ear.
37. Guys at the bars who you don't mind occupying your ass for just this one song...
38. The people who try to help when you have an autistic member of the family.
39. The moment after putting away groceries when you think, hmm, now what can I eat?
40. Catching up with old friends.
41. Water guns
42. Laughing with your roomate about your hatred of egg salad.
43. Long trips with good CDs
44. Brooke Shields standing up for herself and all women.
45. The smell of gasoline...oh, so good.
46. The people you get to see in the airport after the plane ride is over.
47. A familiar smell that brings a flood of good memories back to you.
48. Playing in the snow. On a day off of school. In college.
49. Those willing to decidicate their lives to helping these things. Rock on.
50. Moments of weakness.

Here's just a few more- smiling faces in pictures, dancing in your underwear, chocolate, weddings, fruit, John Mayer, The Notebook, rain, lazy any days, a feeling of accomplishment after a huge presentation or after making it through another day, big sunglasses, strappy shoes, peace, starbucks green tea lemonades, coworkers who will help you over and over and over again, pink toenails, not being "new" at a job anymore, new projects, excitement, jumping up and down and screaming and shrieking about a boy even if you are in fact 22, swing dancing, organization, England, tank tops, Charlie Brown, fresh flowers, a good song on the radio, butterfly kisses, hozhone haaz'dlii (navajo for walking in beauty, a way to live life), fireflies, ladybugs, the name Ben, every other Friday paychecks, big belly laughs, and the list goes on and on...
Have a good one. =)

Another good one--found on Karens blog. Thanks Karen!

2005-09-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

I REGRET. The breakdown I had in front of my family the other day.
I LOVE. All night chats with old friends and sleeping until 1.
I HATE. Tummy aches
I MISS. Amanda, Naomi, Amanda, Carla, Karen, Kayce, and old school girls nights.
I FEAR. Not having a full and fullfilling life.
I SEE. Only the present, as the future is a big empty slate.
I HEAR. Train singing Calling all Angels
I SEARCH. For things to busy myself with so that every second of every day has purpose.
I KNOW. That I'll look back at this time of life and be glad it happened because of the lessons learned and the strength gained.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...
SMILED? Today at the gym when I returned a wave of one of the employees I've befriended there.
DANCED? Friday night downtown
KISSED SOMEONE? My (soon to no longer be) dog Lucy on Saturday.
HUGGED SOMEONE? Lucy, Saturday
HAD A NIGHTMARE? Several weeks. I don't remember what about. But I've been dreaming a lot lately.
LAST THING YOU READ: Last thing I finished was Cinderella Man. Current reading is The Wedding
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW ON THE BIG SCREEN: Wedding Crashers
LAST PHONE NUMBER YOU CALLED: Let's check-Michael last night, returning his call
LAST SHOW YOU WATCHED ON TV: Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals...it wasn't a very good one today.
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: Right now--Train, When I Look to the Sky...gee, wonder what CD I'm listening to.
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: Rasberry flavored green tea with a splash of soy milk and honey
LAST THING YOU ATE: A nectarine.

Depressed on a Saturday night...good time for a survey!

2005-09-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Time started: 8:22 pm
Name: Erynn Elizabeth Kay
Nickname: Eek, Er, Bean, hey you?
Sex: 100% female.
Birthdate: June 24, 1983 at 5:31 a.m.
Siblings: 1 brother, now 19 years old..jeez.
Shoe size: 8 medium. A very average size
Height: 5'6"
What are you wearing right now: Jeans, and an nau tshirt under an nau hoodie
Where do you live: Albuquerque, NM. Hopefully not for much longer.
Righty or lefty: Righty, which means I'll live longer than left handed people
Fingers: What does this mean? I have them, yes.
Favorite cartoon character: Snoopy
Given anyone a bath: My puppy, and various children I've babysat.
Have you ever smoked: Never smoked a thing
Bungee Jumped: Yeah, don't do it. Not fun.
Parasailed: No, but just tried windsurfing...it's hard.
Made yourself throw-up: Not for bulimic reasons or anything, but yeah, to feel better.
Gone skinny dipping: A LOOOOONG time ago (it feels like)
Been in the opposite sex's bathroom: Yes...is this an odd thing? I've also looked in their medicine cabinets...it's funny what some guys have.
Eaten a dog biscuit: Yes I have
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: Oh, thousands of times, or so it feels
Played truth or dare: Yes, plus double dare, promise and repeat.
Been in a physical fight: No..been the cause of one and been threatened to be beat up, but no.
Been in a police car: yeah but only to look at it on a scavenger hunt
Been in a sauna: mmm, sauna...
Been in a hot tub: who hasn't?
Swam in the ocean: Yes. I wish I could be doing that right now.
Fallen asleep in school: Only once and I was really sick.
Ran away?: Ha, does today count? Because it feels like that's what I did.
Broken someone's heart: Without sounding egocentric, again, what seems like thousands of times. Apparently I'm very good at causing misery.
Cried when someone died: Yes
Flashed someone: Yeah, but it wasn't risque or anything...that person had already seen everything anyway.
Cried in school: Mhhmm. Why don't we just have a question of "Cried everywhere possible?" and I'd say yes. Empty bathtubs? Yes. Car? Yes. While watching commercials that are touching? Yes, of course. I am the ultimate crier.
Fell off your chair: hehe, yes, while on the phone usually
Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call: Yeah...sadly
Saved MSN / AOL / AIM conversations: Yes, though most of them I have no idea where they are now.
Saved e-mails: Still have some from years ago.
Fallen for your best friend?: Twice. It's the best feeling in the world.
Been cheated on?: I don't think so, but who knows for sure?

*First thing that comes to mind
*Red: blood
Blue: calm
Autumn: thank god, i'm sick of summer
Cow: um....hahahahahahahahahaha. i can't say.
*What is..
*Your good luck charm: I don't have one. No point anyway.
your room like: it was called "homey" yesterday. it has lots of pictures to remind me of happier times, stuff from my old bedroom and college bedroom combined, which is a first. It's nice. It has a very big window which I enjoy immensely.
beside you: The closest thing? A Fall group exercise schedule of classes for Sports and Wellness. It's highlighted with classes I'm interested in. Nerd huh?
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Dove, it's lovely
Something that has happened to you this year: I graduated college.
Worst thing that has happened to you this year: Its a toss up. You decide between the following: got in a shitty car accident, had my heart broken twice, moved away from almost everything I loved, gotten in more fights with my family than ever before, or felt completely out of place in my own life? God what a whiner huh?
Had Sore Throat: From August - December, had a constant one. Then I found out about the whole gluten/dairy thing. Stopped those and haven't had one since.
Believe in love at first sight?: Absolutly not. How could you know you love someone just by looking at them? You haven't had time to get to know everything that's completely wrong with them. =)
Like picnics: Love em. Outdoors + food = a happy me
Like school: I adore school. I'm good at school. I miss school.
Loved anyone: I've answered this is so many ways, this is a very redundant survey. Maybe I'll write a better one.
*Would you:
*Eat a live hamster: I would never do that for anything.
Kill someone you didn't know for 15 billion dollars: No. That's right up there with eating a hamster.
*Who Was the last person................
*You touched: Ali and Jen's friend Tri (pronounces like Tree, I have no idea how to spell it) We went out downtown last night and this creepy European named Reno "Like Las Vegas...you know, Reno..." Actually, no dumbass, that's why one is called Las Vegas and the other is called Reno...was on my ass so Tri made him think we were together by pulling me away. Tri is awesome. It's always good to have the token guy with you at the bars.
You massaged: I can't even remember it's been that long
You yelled at: Yelled? like really yelled? Kevin.
Who broke your heart: Isn't it obvious?
Who told you they loved you last? My mom.
*Do you/Are You:
*Do you like filling these out: They give me something to do. So yeah.
Do you wear contacts or glasses: Both, usually contacts.
Do you like yourself: I used to. Sometimes I do still.
Obsessive? Oh yeah. About everything. Type A all the way.
Anorexic? Nope, I love food more than anything.
Depressed? Yes.
Suicidal? Not quite there yet. I should be though, after all the shit.....
*Final questions-
*What are you listening to right now: The tv is on, but I'm not paying attention.
Can you do a front or back flip? In the pool I can do both.
What did you do yesterday: I went to work from 6:30 to 3:30 and had a pretty good day there. Then I mailed two bills, and went to the gym for an hour where I toned up with machines and weights (with my new routine from my personal trainer) and then got in about half an hour of cardio. After this, I ate, talked to Gustavo online and took a nap. Then I got up, ate again, and got dressed up to go downtown, wearing a sexy black halter dress. We went downtown to Maloney's and The Library. Got home around two and talked to an old friend online for about an hour, which was lovely. Also sent an IM that I probably shouldn't have. Went to bed around 3:30.
What is your favorite band: Of all time? Too hard to say, but John Mayer is so high on my list I'll say him. Though he's not a band.
Hated someone in your family: Today is a bad day to ask me that. I guess no.
Got any awards: Yeah...some of which were winner of a jump roping contest, good student of the month in middle school (which mortified me) and various other nerdy things.
Want to get married: I'm not marryable.
What is your favorite video game? I grew up in love with Sonic the Hedgehog.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? I wish I didn't feel EVERYTHING. I wish I could just let things go.
Good actor: Good liar...haven't acted in a long time though
Good Singer: Sometimes, yeah.
Have a lava lamp: Its in the garage.
How many remote controls are in your house: 4 that I know of.
Are you double jointed: I don't know if that's what its called but my elbows bend backwards and I can move the tendons on my hand back and forth on command.
What do you dream about: A few nights ago I was on a quest to find old friends in Tucson and saw just about everyone I've ever known. Two nights ago I dreamt of beginning a new relationship with a guy who was just nice. Purely nice. Had only the best intentions. Wonder what that's like in real life. It was nice in my dreams.
Last time you showered: This afternoon around 4
The last movie you saw at the theatres: Wedding Crashers
Scary or happy movies: Happy
Silver or Gold: Silver
Diamond or pearl: Diamond
Sunset or Sunrise: When alone, sunset, when with someone special, sunrise
Phone or in person: Of course in person
Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Oldest
Do you want your friends to fill this out and post it? Yeah, that'd be fun.

....

2005-08-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

Well....I've had a few shots and a blended frappacino...and I must admit...I DO feel better....

The almost perfect weekend

2005-08-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

Being that this is my last two full day weekend off for the next three weeks, I wanted to do a lot of stuff that I wanted to do, not a lot of stuff that I had to do, which is what I've been doing for, oh, most of my life thus far. At least, all the time spent in school hard enough to have weekend homework, and the last three months. So it worked out really well when David asked me if I wanted to come to the lake (Cochiti) with him and Jason and some other nice folks. Of course I asked Ali to go (naturally) and we were off to the lake for a day of fun in the sun and yucky water. Which I didn't mind at all, even though I'm a microbiologist. I actually attempted windsurfing (that takes STRENGTH that I don't HAVE), which seems like it'd be really fun once you got good at it, which apparently takes, oh, about 11 years. There was lots of eating...well, mostly Ali and I did this...it was goooood. And lots of wading and generally just being lazy. I loved it. The only bad part is that today I look like a tomato with a rudolph nose. But s'alright. Skin cancer is years away. Haha.
So after the lazy hazy day at the lake, I came home and basically crashed and burned (no pun intended) for the remainder of the evening, falling asleep about 9:45.
This morning I awoke around 8, decided that was too early, and dragged my behind outta bed around 9 to hit the gym. Yeah gym! I love it, I feel so...well, kinda nasty while I'm at it...whoever said girls don't sweat is WRONG...gross huh, well anyway, but afterwards I feel friggin incredible, like sexy and strong, and basically just utterly awesome. After the gym I got the groceries (GOD I hate hauling all those things up the stairs...ugh!) and took a shower and had lunch, which of course was good, considering I just got groceries..isn't that the best? When you have so much food you have to like sit down and choose what you're gonna have because there are too many good options? Oh man..
Then the best part of the day begin...I...went...shopping. Now, don't get me wrong, normally I hate shopping for extended periods of time, ESPECIALLY when I'm alone and have very little money to spend, which was the situation today. BUT I set out with two goals in mind: shoes that are cute that I can wear to work, and to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. I started at Payless, because on occasion you can find the perfect shoe there. Today was not that occasion. I actually did find this one pair that was adorable that I may have to go back for (they're like twead flats that have red and cream and brown in them with a bow....sooooo cute) but that's for another day. Then I went to Hastings to return the elusive A lot like Love and found that there are no new releases I wanted, so I rented an old movie called Singles. Haven't watched it yet. Then TO THE MALL! First things first--Gloria Jeans coffee for an iced white mocha. Holy hell. That's the way to do it. I had negative stress in me today, I swear, I was like ready to dance my way through the mall while sipping on my coffee delight. I meandered all over, just perusing and taking in all the goodness the mall had to offer...a dad with his little boy, holding hands, a daughter pushing her old mother around in a wheel chair, really cute leather bag in The Limited's window...ah, lovely. Then I found them. $80 Nine West shoes that were black, leather, cute, and perfect for work...for 20 bucks. YES. IT'S AN ACTUAL MIRACLE.
And of course, we lived happily ever after.
No, um, so anyway, I also ended up buying this pink lacy shirt from NY and Co., and my fave boyshorts in several patterns and colors. YES.
After the mall, Whole Foods it was. I am in love with that store. Got some rice bread for the Glutenless Girl (can you see that superhero? I'd have a cape made of rice and corn, or something) and good dark chocolate for the strawberry dessert I'm gonna try out later in the week. Yummy yummy.
To top off the day, the extended/step family went to Pelicans for, seriously, one of the best meals I've ever had. People...go there! And get the Sesame Salmon...oh holy fuck. These days I've really enjoyed having dinner with all of them. Not the salmon, the family. They're crazy and I love them. Tonight, Bob and I kept talking in Indian accents, you know, like Apu on The Simpsons...oh my god, we were all laughing so hard by the end of the night. The sad part though was that my mom couldn't go because my parents now have to alternate who's taking care of Ryan since we have no one to.
So, the perfect weekend, right? Well....almost.
Even though the lake was pristine, the salmon divine, the shopping soothing, the company good....I have a very heavy sadness that continues to weigh me down caused by 4 people. I desperatly want to do something, anything, to remedy this any way I can, by talking to these people, by telling them I love them, by being helpful, by not just sitting on my ass and watching all of them slip away from me and each other...but I can't. I don't know what to do. And the only times I've done anything at all has ended up hurting all the other people even more than before. So this weight on my shoulders was with me the entire weekend as well. And that's the almost....
But to end on a good note--
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw." --Jack Handy
"I'm not fat! Am i fat??" -Now and Then
"I could be jello." - My Best Friend's Wedding
"Shit motherfucker fuck shit!" -Sex in the City
"All human beings connect sex and love...except for men." --Roseanne
"Why don't you just hang out? Why do you need a fucking red hat?" -Nick, on red hat ladies
"DAMNED! DAMNED FROM THE START!" -James on a particular sledding adventure
and finally....
"That's not a bag! It IS a lady!" -David

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah........................................................

Blah blah blah, complaining is BORING

2005-08-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've de-manic-ed. Amazing what a day off will do for ya.
A brief and scattered update-
Car insurance is a bitch. You gotta go out, find it, pay out the ass for it, and then pray to God you don't get into another wreck. Meanwhile, driving is just not fun anymore. For someone who used to go driving just for kicks, its sad to have post-traumatic car accident disorder. On the plus side, I heart my new car. She still needs a name...any suggestions?
Work is good, I'm making friends and starting (just a little) to be me there. One lady told me I'd make a very cute mom the other day. This I just loved. I WOULD make a cute mom! Just not for several more years.
A Lot Like Love is a very good movie..much better than I expected. Though, another Ashton Kutcher movie in the near future isn't going to be necessary. I've had enough.
I'm beginning to put together two trips in my head. One is to Phoenix, the other to Flagstaff. In the near future I'm going to start calling people in these two cities and check out their schedules so we can hang out. I (still) am having major sad moments missing people terribly. And not just people, but a life that was full. You know, just because your life is busy doesn't mean it's full...but I had a full life in Flag there those last two years. Full and fullfilling. Working to get back to that is a challenge, and some days you don't want the challenge, you just want to go back to AZ. Anyway, it's giving me something to look forward to. Can't wait.
Um..hum de dum...OOH, so I'm seeing Coldplay tomorrow which I'm pumped about. Their music is like being in a constant dream-like state, of which I'm in most of the time anyway, so I'm excited. It'll be like being in my own head..but on stage...and louder...with Chris Martin singing. And Apple and Gwyneth backstage (they are, you know..they're on tour with him..how weird to know that one of my favorite actresses will be there too).
I've decided to take up quilting. It sounds like an old lady thing, but how nice would that be? To make a quilt and give it to someone would be awesome. I really only want to do it because I have about a million tshirts and sweatshirts and stuff from things I did in high school and college that I'll never wear, so I figure, why not make them into a quilt? Maybe add some pictures on there too from those times, make it like a whole blanket scrapbook. Neat eh?
Cooking and getting new recipes is my new favorite thing. I made dinner for Ali and I tonight and it was a sucess! And I got a great idea for a sundried tomato pesto torta. Betcha don't know what that is! I didn't before today but I'm realizing that I can cook! Thank God, maybe there is hope for me yet.
I joined Sports and Wellness. Yay. It's the prettiest gym I've ever seen. And I already made a friend there which is nice. Ever since I don't have to focus on school 110% of the time, my goals have changed just a little..and one of them has to do with looking HOT. Shallow huh? Don't you love it? I'm going to tone up, slim down, dress better, eat better (which started last year, thankfully), GROW MY HAIR OUT (if anyone even thinks of allowing me to chop off several inches again STOP ME), etc etc. I mean, really, how are you supposed to feel good if you don't look it? I don't know, it's a lame goal and I realize, but it's short term and fun and so I don't mind the shallowness of it all.
So that wasn't such a brief update. It wasn't even a remotely interesting one. Bet you're bored. Why are you still reading this?
La da da blah blah blah night~

Smiling IS my favorite...but lately frowning is more common.

2005-08-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

Holes - Rascal Flatts

There's three in the hall from those pictures in the closet
Two in the bedroom from that night I lost it,
And one deep inside me, determined to stay,
They don't get any bigger but they don't go away.

Holes, in and around me, I keep falling back into
Holes, digging its around me,
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you.

I pour drink after drink, but nothing hit bottom
I've been on my knees, admitted my problems
The love that we made still barely an echo,
And I'll try anything and these vacant, hollow ...

Holes, in and around me, I keep falling back into
Holes, digging its around me,
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you.

There's two through my hands, and one though my feet
From this cross that I bear till the day that I see
It's guilt and it's blame, it's shame and it's love
Seeking the truth, I've dug them myself

Yep...feeling this song. Does anyone else have this CD? Holy hell, there's a song for everything. Real update soon when I de-manic.