Smiling's my favorite!

I forgot I had this thing.

2006-06-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

Howdy.

I guess it's uncool to update blogs these days, cause nobody does anymore. However, I've never had any problem with being completely uncool, so here goes nothing.

Life is pretty good. I am all smiles to go to work in the morning, enjoying one of my two classes, workin out and looking pretty healthy (I didn't say skinny...I said healthy), and applying to PA schools. Pretty damn busy, but of course I like it that way.

I'm still going to the nursing home a few times a week, and holy shit do I have fun there. Those people are the sweetest, most adorable people in the world and I absolutly love them. Plus they really really feed my ego "Aren't you so pretty?" "We've missed you! Where've you been?" "I wish my grandson would date someone like you." "Hiya doll" (from Eddy, followed by a kiss on the hand.) I mean honestly. They do more for me than I do for them, I'm sure of it.

Gonna be in Hawaii one week from today-first Oahu, then Maui. I can't believe we're actually going; I am so friggin excited! The things we know we're doing are--seeing Pearl Harbor, going to the Polynesian Cultural Center (everyone's fave on Oahu, it seems like), doing snuba (somewhere between scuba and snorkeling i think), taking surfing lessons (that one's just me), and hiking thru the lush hills of Maui, among other things. My GOD I'm so excited.

And the last part of my update...sigh....
I of course have fallen for someone. It's the first person ever that I can't have and it sucks and hurts and I hate it and I haven't told him or anyone else that knows him. I just take all the time I can get with him and try to enjoy it as much as possible because I'd rather have him around me and not be mine than not have him at all. But damn.....it's like soooo good and soooo bad all at the same time. Definetly a lesson in patience or something...I hope.

Anyway, I met some other dude that's my age (bleh) at a coffee house who seems really nice and has just called and asked me to do lunch, so who knows? Maybe it'll be a good distraction.

I'm sure no one even reads this crap anymore, but if you do, I hope things are going really well for you and your summer is wonderful and you know...all that.

Talk to ya again in another several months, ol' friend blog. Buh bye~

AAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm reading a microbiology textbook today at work and reading about the Helicobacter genus, most famously known for being the cause of ulcers. There are several species, of course, and there was one that caught my eye. This particular species is only found in two places....are you ready for this? It's found in...............................................

homosexual men...............................................................................

and...............................................................................

hamsters.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahaha

Quote of the day

2006-02-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

"That guy is just too wussy for you. You need a guy that can change car parts. Yeah. But not, like, a mean one, because a lot of guys that can change car parts are mean. A nice guy. That can change car parts." - Gary

"I totally agree." -Me

One minute later...

"I can change any car part in 20 minutes." -Gary

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at my desk today at work thinking about Valentine's Day. For someone who hasn't been in a long relationship for awhile, you'd think I'd be more bitter than I am, but I really enjoyed today. I've eaten a lot of good things, and got to wear red and pink simultaneously which is a fashion no-no usually, so everything is just peachy. So, satisfied with today, I started thinking back to past Valentine's Days, and had a lot of fun thinking about the variety. So, of course, I thought I'd write about it.

My first, and only early Valentine's memory is making a red heart card with a white doiley in my elementry school in New Jersey. I brought it home and gave it to my mom, who had made a large heart cake. She used to make a lot of cakes, before she stopped believing in white flour. After this memory, no Valentine's Day is memorable until 8th grade.

My first HUGE crush was 8th grade. Turns out I ended up with the guy a few years later at a different Valentine's Day, but more on that below. I remember worrying for weeks about what I would get him if anything, and ended up getting him chocolate and some sort of bear, I believe. And maybe sent one of those school carnations, I don't know, but I went a little overboard I think. I don't know what he got me, but I remember it was something, and I remember I was happy. Very happy. And probably very squealy, as 13 year old girls are.

Can't remember freshman or sophomore years...and had a boyfriend for one of those, hehe, oops. Junior year I was taken out to dinner, and given a teddy bear, which has gone down as the ugliest teddy bear in history. I mean, THE UGLIEST. I was afraid to sleep with that thing at night. But it was the thought that counts, and I still have the bear....thing....to this day.

Senior year..oh, scandal. I had a boyfriend, the one back from 8th grade, who brought me a flower made of chocolate to school, and took me out to a movie that night (Sweet November, veeery romantic). We also went to Trambino's for dinner, but I think that part was my gift to him. The scandal lies in the 3rd corner of the love triangle. My best friend in high school, who was a guy, had some feelings for me and completely showed up my boyfriend with the gifs. AND brought them all to school. HE brought huge amounts of flowers and chocolate and had surprises all day, and ....wow. Wow. I mean, it was kind of bad because of the situation, but still, way to go man. Way to go out on the ledge there and not care what anyone else thought. And chocolate...yum.

Freshman year of college- still with previous boy, though not for long. Long distance at that point, of course. I sent him one of those cards that was about 2 feet tall and said something cheesy like "I love you thiiiiis much." His other gift from me is a very big secret that FEW know about. He sent me a diamond necklace in the mail. I thought, How lucky am I? About a week later, he broke up with me. Thought the necklace would "soften the blow" or something like that. Haven't worn the thing since.

Sophomore year- sick with the flu, and sleeping a lot. Boyfriend at the time decided to (while I was "sleeping") decorate the outside of my dorm room door with hearts he cut out of posterboard and pictures of the place we began our coupledom at with the words "I love you Erynn" written on them (all done on computer and looking very professional, of course). The entire door was covered. I could hear every bit of scotch tape he pulled off the roll, every "tap tap tap" when sticking hearts on the door, and every footstep as he walked away down the hall. But when I tiptoed out of bed to see just exactly what he'd done, I was floored, and very surprised. That night we had to cancel our date but he took very good care of me anyway. A very good Valentine's Day.

Junior year-new excitement. I tried to plan a romantic Valentine's evening in Sedona, but turns out, restraunts in Sedona are hard to come by on Feb.14. So the restraunt was just okay, but the evening turned out really nice. We went to see 50 First Dates in the afternoon. We even ended up at a grocery store buying really bad truckstop style food before dinner because I got hungry after waiting so long. I also had a friend buy me some champagne for the occasion, being 20 and all, because I thought it would help make the evening a little....smoother, if you will. It did. The whole thing was just nice and enjoyable.

Senior year- the first single year in awhile, as you can see. The girls and I had a Happy Un-Valentine's Day Party-if you're single, come on by. And they did. There was about 45 people at our house. We still decorated Valentiney though because we aren't complete scrooges. It was a lot of fun too, and I got a couple of dates afterwards with a guy that I met in my own house. But later he got really drunk at a party at his house, ignored me the whole night, and then spilled beer all down my front. Buh-bye. I miss those girls, though.

Today- still single, still okay with it. Ali and I baked 3 chocolate cheesecakes- one for my work, one for her work, and one for us of course. Today at work was enjoyable enough, and then I made a fantastic dinner- chicken parmisian, pasta, zucchini and mushroom sauted in olive oil and garlic, and sparkling apple cider, cause neither one of us drink much. And then of course chocolate cheesecake. Fabulous. Just fabulous. My mom also got me a gift and a beautiful card. And life is good.

Happy Valentine's Day, love you~

Check yes or no

2006-01-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I guess blogs are out this year, because nobody really writes in them anymore. However, my head is starting to get full again, of all the same thoughts, circling around and around, so it's time to get them out in the universe so that new thoughts can occupy my time.

Because my life is finally settling into a comfortable and much less dramatic cushy place, I have time for my good ol' frivilous thoughts of men, relationships, and all the icky love stuff. And due to the fact that I watch nothing but season after season of Sex and the City reruns, these thoughts come out in the form of witty banter, amusing to me, and maybe to you too. Maybe not. But I'm starting to feel like quite the expert on this crap. Now, before you think I'm full of myself here, I will honestly say I think I am AWFUL at dating, relationships, and stuff. The only thing I pride myself is the ability to flirt with anything. The other day at a stoplight, I turned to a good looking man in the car next to me and smiled, while turning my sunglasses down, to flash the eyes, you know. I have no idea why, feeling bold I guess. Know what he mouthed back? "Nice glasses......," with a big grin. But if he were to ask me out? My response would be something along the lines of "Shm hrm flesp leiz." Honestly. Terrible.
I had a point. Ah, yes, the fact that I am beginning to see myself as a bit of an expert. I've dated. I've hooked up. I've had the longest relationships (longest to date- 1 year, 2 months), and shortest (2 days). I've been set up. I've dated friends. Strangers. People that were convenient. People that I had no interest in. People I couldn't even look at I was so smitten with. People I met through this very here blog...haha. (You could be next! Muahaha). I was thinking about all the types of guys and the bad dates, the really great ones that you remember every moment of, the ones that ended with a face rape (bad kissers..ew) that left a scab, and the one that got away. And even though I don't consider myself the absolute greatest catch in the world due to certain, shall we say "issues" (can we say MENTAL? hehe) I look around at certain people that are engaged, or, heaven forbid, already married, and sometimes can't help but think, what do they have that I don't? Somewhere out there there has got to be someone that finds my quirky, somewhat strange, likes to fight just as much as she likes to...not fight (=) )... self quite pleasant. That's when I began to think maybe I'm not such an expert after all. And then I realized--dating today is completely fucked up.

Dating today--there are so many LEVELS. I mean, these days, best to start as friends, right? so you know you're not ending up with a liar/psycopath. Then maybe you'll go on to the occasional hook up. Then you've turned into "friends with benefits." What does this mean? It sounds to me like you hook up and then the guy pays for your dentist appointment and a bit of life insurance. If all goes well there (which it never does) then maybe you'll move into relationship status, or at least, going public with your "togetherness." Then there is the alternate route. If you start with a date with someone you don't know as a friend, this could progress to several dates, and then maybe "dating exclusively" (I have actually done this. It means you are dating and seeing nobody else. Umm.....isn't that what a relationship is? Boyfriend/ girlfriend? Know what this term is missing? Committment. Do not fall for this, ladies.) If all goes well, maybe one of these days a mutal decision is reached that you both want to be each other's significant other, with titles and everything. Wow. (Gag me.) I am not a hypocrite, I will not lie, I have put off having the girlfriend title much longer than I probably should have because of the committment that comes with it and the fear of yet another broken heart, but when it comes down to it, you can always break up, so it's not as big of a deal as we make it out to be. Getting back to it though, what exactly is dating to begin with? In a very popular 80s movie with a very young, cute John Cusack, a date is defined as "a meeting with the possibility of love." Yeah, maybe in the 80s. Today? "A meeting with the possibility, we hope, of a free dinner."
Anyhoo.
It used to be simple. About 50 years ago, cute boys asked cute girls to share a chocolate shake and, if things got serious, wear his pin. About 35 years ago, a cute, if not a little high, boy would ask a long haired girl, with a flower in it, "Hey baby....wanna check out my van?" 9 monts later a baby named Willow was born. About 20 years ago, a guy with really bad hair, would ask a girl with shoulder pads "Feel like hanging out in my basement? I got the new Thriller record! And I think there's a dance to it!" And about 16 years ago, a little boy chased a little girl (moi) around a playground shouting "I love you! I want to marry you! COME BACK! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!"

So easy!

Talking to my roomate the other day, she was telling me a story about two kids in her class that are so obviously smitten with each other. They were trying to spend as much time as possible together and kept getting all touchy...and the entire class could tell they liked each other.

I think if we could just put aside our thoughts of "I'd tell him if I KNEW he'd be interested too" "I'd go for it if he didn't have that girlfriend (that treats him like crap)." "But I dated his friend...and his other friend...he's probably heard so many bad things about me" "I can't hurt him anymore, and I can't let him hurt me anymore." There's just too much baggage and too much pressure...we adults (is that what we are now? really?) do not know what the hell we are doing.

When I was 11 I got a note from a boy named Alex. It said "Do you want to be my girlfriend? Check yes or no." with two boxes drawn for my answer.

I miss those days.

And yet, I can't go back to them. I mean, what if I tell him, and he's just not interested? =)

Do you ever just get bored with yourself?

2006-01-01T21:35:00.000-08:00

I know I do.

2006

2005-12-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

This last week has been fantastic. It started with Christmas, which was great. I worked about 5 hours on Christmas day, which most people would see as sucky, but it really wasn't bad. Pat said it. She said "You know, I'm not at all dissappointed being here today. I get to be with all of you," with complete sincerity. I felt the same way. Yay for work family.
I loved all the time I got to spend with my actual family too. We do pretty damn well together, all things considering. Found out my cousin in engaged.... Sorry. The guy is old, with kids. I don't really get it, but whatever. At least I don't have to marry him. But besides that, there was good food, good coversation, lots of laughs, and LOTS of presents. They never stop, I swear. See, that's the greatest benefit to not being married at my age and being seen as an adult...I still get lotsa stuff like one of the kids. =) And I don't mind it.
I had a shit day due to people's laziness at work on Wednesday and then went to the gym and had this old nasty guy hit on me and (ew) drip sweat on me, which I think made me throw up, just a little, so I wasn't in such a good mood by the time I got to my parents house for dinner. I walked in and saw a piece of mail with my name on it, so I opened it and saw a paycheck....but it wasn't payday, and I don't get my checks in the mail....so I look a little closer and notice the fine print "Sign-on bonus." This was something I'd forgotten about as it was only mentioned once six months ago. But my first six months is up at work, and my TWO THOUSAND DOLLAR SIGN ON BONUS appeares, as if sent down from the heavens. Okay, to me that's a lot of money. At least, for just being handed to you. So yippee!
So then today I went shopping. Haha, actually, I did shop, but not with that money, with all the gift cards from Christmas. Got some seriously cute things at NY and Co., New Balance tennis shoes, the....IPEX....by...Victoria's....Secret...oh my god, it's like wearing a supportive cloud, I tell you. And some other good things. This week was just all about good things--for example:
The RANDOM night I had last night. My high school best friend, Michael, is in town, and as popular as that kid is, he still found an evening to hang out with me, which, of course started at the usual Dion's. However, this is, after all, Albuquerque and it was 9 pm, and there was nothing to do. So after many quick turns of my car and some suggestions that led to no where, we were, and God only knows the reason, on our way to Santa Fe. We arrived around 10, and drove around until we found the only thing open in all of Santa Fe, which was this little, beatnik (is that how that's spelled? I should know, I'm part Flagstaffian) coffee house filled with interesting looking people. After that it was off to the square, or the plaza, or whatever it's called. There we did some dancing on the stage they have there to the music of a band jammin out in the Ore House (whore house...hehe), and the proceeded to drive back and hang out at the apt. Granted, we didn't do much in Santa Fe or much in Albuquerque, but it was all really great and the car rides were fun, and I just really appreciated someone willing to do something completely random and not think it was weird, or boring, or anything. Nobody wants to try anything fun or new these days, everybody does the same shit--drinking, watching movies, going downtown, sitting around people's apartments....is this really all people my age are willing to do anymore? C'mon ya'll. I know I do it all too, but I still appreciate some good old fashioned random fun, and even if the destination is kinda worthless, the ride was really fun.
Now that I knocked drinking and hanging out at people's apartments, what are ya'll doing for New Years? =) Haha, actually, I had some pretty cool plans with the latest interest, but alas, it didn't work out, as it never does. Man, I have issues. =) At least I can laugh at them, and maybe someday I'll find someone that will love me anyway. In the meantime, I am buying myself lots of pretty things to distract myself. Whoever says money can't buy happiness is completely filled with shit.

Hrm, what else?

2006 is in, like a day, so that's really cool. I'm SO looking forward to saying goodBYE and good RIDDINS to 2005. Fucking year. Goodbye to--car accidents, saying goodbye to friends, studying, illness, bad decisions, regrets, panic attacks, heartbreak from family, heartbreak from moving, heartbreak from...well, you know. Ahhhhh.............feels really good.

Happy New Year~

Week in review at S.E.D. labs--

2005-12-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

-Had a conversation about how prenatal vitamins before drinking will prevent any hangover.
-Cleaned almost the entire lab, and, while cleaning found what I think was at one point a zuccini, covered in mold and other types of fungus.
-Was called "a girl. I mean, you are REALLY a GIRL."
-Was lent "Cool Hand Luke"
- Was lent "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" so that I would learn to respect mice, whatever the hell that means.
-Went to the Christmas party at Gardunos where I: held a CUTE baby, danced with the cute baby, got drooled on by the cute baby, wore a pretty fucking awesome outfit, met some great spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, and kids, and was told when my margarita arrived "You are too young to drink!"
-Dry heaved from a specimen.
-Was asked if I'd ever seen Chippendales. When I said, No, but have seen Thunder Down Under, generated much interest.
-Wrote out almost all of my Christmas cards (slow day).
-Laughed so hard I cried, for the first time ever at work, due to new guy's extreme funniness.
-Ate LOTS of chocolate. LOTS.
-Was scolded for dropping a truffle by a worse chocolate addict than me. "You just wasted perfectly good chocolate."
-Dressed up.
-Dressed down.
-Fixed one of the the most important machines in the lab with a bobby pin from my hair, like a "ninja" according to my supervisor.
-Oh yeah....and did some microbiology.

Balls

2005-11-30T19:40:00.000-08:00

Warning- strange post.

So last night's Sex in the City rerun, which is what my life has turned into, was called Belles of the Balls, and every ball pun that could be invented was used in that show, and it was funny. And now I will update all of the latest trying to use the same pun. Probably won't be as funny.

Work- Is fine as usual. There is a new guy at work and I've gotten to train him which is pretty cool, and has made me feel like I have much larger balls instead of balls the size of peanuts, which was how I used to feel at work. Considering I actually have no balls, this is a good feeling. I'm feeling more and more comfortable talking to everyone at work about really anything now. For example, yesterday , out loud, I used the word vagina (in reference to The Vagina Monologues), and today I used the word penis (in reference to the Penis Mightier). Both times I was talking to the same person, who probably thinks of me as very strange now, but at least I didn't say balls.

Social life- The only expression I have for this is Balls! Things aren't going like I want them to, and the ball is completely out of my court. I am a 22 years old going on 80. The good thing about this is, I'm very content being alone, which keeps the ball of life rolling along happily. At least I feel good and look good and am not going ball-ed. Okay that was lame.

Football- The Steelers lost, but I kind of expected it since the Colts are on fire. But that won't stop me from saying that Peyton Manning has small balls. He's a wussy little bitch boy who can throw a ball, I'll admit, but does not own a pair of them. And yes, the Steelers kind of dropped the ball on this game, but I still want my QB Ben...all of him...yep, even those.

Hmm, this is fun for me, if not for all of you.

Dammit, I lost my train of though. Oh well. Someday I'll try this with the word fuck. I have a feeling that one will be better.

Christmas balls are pretty. Okay that was my last one.

A real update someday soon. If I have anything to talk about. Ever. The end.

Long lost blog!

2005-11-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

Why hello! Can you believe this is the first time since my last update that I've had time to update? I didn't know this whole real world/get a job thing took up so much time! Let's see, where can I begin....

I'm getting so much better at my job. I just learned a new section and am already doing pretty good at it. They said it'd take 6 months to feel comfortable at my job, and as I'm approaching that 6 months mark, I can see they are right. Hallelujah. =) It's nice to be a part of patient care, even if I'm quite removed from the patient.

I went to Phoenix a couple of weekends ago and had a really wonderful time. I did many things I've never done before- see Rob Thomas, ride upside down/sideways/forward on this wild ride thing, have flan, and rollerblade...in the zoo. =) How cool is that? I've never had so many wonderful activities planned just because of me coming into town. It felt absolutly lovely.

I am so so so so sooooooooo excited that Christmastime is approaching. The lumarias are going up, the tree is coming out, and all the good food...oh, I can't wait. This year is a little different than past years too. The last few years I was living away from home and so by the time my winter break did start I just wanted to be lazy and not help with all the fun Christmas stuff, plus, I usually did my own baking and giving cards and baked goods to friends, so I didn't want to do any of that either. But this year, not only do I get to do all that with my family, but I'm very excited to do so. Since May, I've learned the importance of my family more than ever, and though they are slighly dysfunctional, and crazy and have problems, I love them and wouldn't be anything without them. And so this Christmas season feels more special than the others already, and it's not even Thanksgiving yet. And it's all getting kicked off next Saturday with the annual craft fair and seeing The Nutcracker at Popejoy. =) Ahh, happiness.

This probably reads like a very boring blog, I just realized because I have no crazy stories or drama to tell you about, but know what? That's a nice feeling. Everything (almost) is going along just as planned for the year/years off between school-I'm learning to do things like cook, cross stick, knit, and other handy skills. I've lost about 4 pounds in the last couple of weeks and feel really good, which after last year is almost unheard of. The lymph nodes? NOT SWOLLEN. Time with my family? Definetly spending it. Happy? Yeah. Weird huh? =) There's something very satisfying about being on your own, free, young, doing whatever you want whenyou want and being able to afford it as well. Everybody says I'm going to look back on this time and really appreciate it. I think they're right.

Happy Thanksgiving if we don't talk before!

Oh yeah--- Go Steelers.

Inconsiderate

2005-10-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Hokay, so...

As I type this, know I am in a good mood. I'm happy because I'm feeling better (hoorah!) and feeling very chatty and bubbly and all good things, etc. BUT I have a bone to pick with the world. I know people can be self centered. I am very good at it myself. But as one that has realized that she is much much happier when focusing on others, as she herself is messed up in the head, I'd think others would have come to this realization too. But no. Today, for example....

Girl, wait, no, woman (thirties) at work who I admittedly do not like (no, not to her face, are you crazy? she'd eat me alive) replied to my sneeze yesterday with "I'd better not get sick. My birthday is next week and I will NOT be sick on my birthday." Then, she starts sneezing once every, like 6 minutes, which makes me giggle. And with each sneeze she gets madder and madder and each time says (and imagine this in a growling voice of a demon) "I WILL NOT GET SICK ON MY BIRTHDAY...I WILL NOT...."

So anyway. Thanks for the well wishers out there through this very yucky flu that had me these past few days, I appreciate it very much. Self-centered-ness is really the root of all evil, I've decided, and because of that am going to stop talking about myself this instant. At least, for tonight. =)

Night my dear sweet friends~

Thoughts

2005-10-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

About a week ago my Mom and I were talking, and she was telling me stories about my Nana (Dad's mom). The woman is slightly crazy (that's being polite). Having her as a grandmother is strange enough but as a mother, I couldn't imagine. My poor dad. Then, my mom and I were talking about her side of the family, and all the shit, including, but not limited to: drugs, eating disorders, autism, fuck-ed up step family, divorce due to the husbands homosexuality, divorce due to a lack of maturity, mental illness, more drugs, and general selfishness/meanness. It's funny because my mom always complains about my dad's side of the family...well...her side may just be worse. And so, I looked my Mom dead in the eye and said "Mom...how...the HELL....am I supposed to turn out anything but completely fucked up?" She threw her head back in laughter and, although I wasn't actually kidding, I did too, because really, what else can you do in these situations? Oh help! They're mental....but God love em.

Went to church tonight for the first time in, oh, I dont' know, 3 years. I really didn't know how to feel about it. So much of what I believe has changed and I'm not sure organized religion is for me. I believe in God, and the Bible, but I don't understand some parts...and some days the thought creeps into my head "What if it's all made up? What if this whole thing is some hoax, or the Bible is some fictional story some guy wrote and what if there is another planet out there that is 10,000 times bigger than we are and just run our lives for amusement?" Okay, is that last part weird? I don't know, I have thoughts like this. See above for an explanation of my fucked up-edness.

There are other things I believe in more, like kindness towards others (though I don't always exemplify this), or chocolate.

Today I realized that all the people I don't really get along with at work are the women under the age of 35. My work friends are all mothers and wives, and divorcees, and grandmothers, yes, grandmothers. We talk about their families and what they're up to, and it's just a lot more interesting than what people my own age have going on in their lives. Sometimes I think I act too old for my age. But when it comes down to it, I like the old cat lady inside me.

If you're still reading, you have probably realized I didn't have anything to say really, just felt like hearing myself talk. So I think I'll go get some of my kind of religion now--chocolate and a good movie in a pillowtop bed, dreaming of an island that is completely secluded except for me, the trees, and maybe a chimp to hang out with. (I realized today how much I would enjoy that, as I treasure alone time almost more than being with people time...damn, I'm strange). Good night.

Oh yeah, by the way, I have a comment on Ricky's blog: Amen. Men should be men. For awhile I thought that those pretty men were wonderful, but as my friend Amanda says "Erynn, metrosexual really just means homosexual." I don't mind the occasional cry as long as there is an attempt to hide it, and I like a guy to have hygiene, but DAMMIT guys. There is enough estrogen out there with just us, okay? Go build a shed. Have a beer with each other and talk all the crap about women you want...trust me, we do it to you too. Yell at the tv when football is on. Say stupid things and then apologize. Just be men. Thank you. This has been a public service announcement.

...........

2005-10-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

=)

Nuff said.

Bugger

2005-10-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

Just watched Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason for the umpteenth time, and must say, like a good wine, gets better every day. That woman is my heroine.

Okay, lost the accent. But it's taking everything I have not to talk that way because you know how it is. You watch a movie that has characters with cool accents and then you can't possibly (british translation: con't possiblee) speak any other way for days.

Well, here it is, another Saturday night, alone, in my apartment. Spinster crazy cat lady here I come. Except without the cat...and the talent to knit something. DAMMIT.

I suppose I should give you a real update, not all this random shit, but really, what is my blog if it's not made up of random shit? Here is my best attempt to tell you of all the going ons in the last few weeks--

Last weekend was fabulous. And really, the parts I planned out were good, but the spontaneous, random stuff was even better. Oh by the way, I'm talking about having my first house guest in my new apartment. We had a lovely time (back in British, dangit) and I was pleasantly surprised about the insane amount of movie/television knowledge that my guest exhibited...someone close to my level even. Scary thought, but good to know that others are as sick as I am. There were also a few very amusing incidents, one of which included a toddler that stood about a foot in front of my face and clapped his little hands away, while I clapped along with him, and when I pointed at something for him to look at, he took off running for it, much to his mother's dismay, another little boy who could not do or say anything besides point to the fire inside a balloon, and, with a very serious expression say "Hot." repeadtedly, AND a funny moment when realizing that our waiter at Bucca was, in fact, a twin, and we'd been asking both server twins to serve us all night.

After my fabulous, albeit, rainy weekend of good times, I had another very stupid week from hell. If any of you really know me, you know I'm not the easiest to listen to, because when I have a problem, I don't mind sharing it with the world...yes, I know this isn't the most charming trait for a person to have, but I ain't changing it anytime soon, so get over it. However, in all seriousness, this is THE WORST time my family has ever gone through. At this point it's hard not to feel like the little hopeless depression ball that does the Zoloft commercials. It'd be easier if the world just folded over on itself and swallowed me up. What a strange thought.

I don't even know what to do anymore to help. I feel like I've done all I can, only to have my mother tell me last night "You have done NOTHING to HELP at ALL." Wow. Talk about complete and utter heartbreak. With this information, after a long and hurtful fight, of course, I came back to my apartment (don't really know how I got there either, it was all a blur) and then proceeded to have panic attack #4 of my life. These are not fun. I made the mistake of telling someone I was having one too, because I was worried and thought maybe talking would help, but it didn't, and now I'm mortified. How embarrasing "Hi, I'm having a panic attack." Ugh. Why do I think that is appropriate? So I just put my head between my knees, kept saying in my head "BREATHE, BREATHE" because I wasn't, and then eventually passed out (asleep, not literally passed out) on my bed to awake this morning in my clothes with the biggest bags under my eyes I've ever seen, and a migrane. Off to take the EMT exam!

I guess there isn't much more to say about the family situation, I mean, I was told not to even talk about it to people because my parents don't want others to know all the going ons, but I'm a heart on her sleeve kinda girl, so it's very hard for me not to talk about these things. I just so desperatly wish I had one friend here, just one, that would take me out for coffee and tell me everything is going to be alright. I don't have that though. And calling my far away friends isn't the same. Then I'd just bitch at them over the phone and, having been on the other end of friendships like that, know how awful it is. Honestly, it is getting pretty lonely around here though, and outlets to find friends are not as available as I'd hoped. And it's funny, because even though I know there are people that care about me, all I could say to myself over and over last night was "I have no one. I cannot talk to anyone about this. I have no one." It's the worst feeling in the world, and someday very soon, it has to change. If I only knew how...

WHEW. WHAT A LOAD OFF.

So the EMT test was interesting. Starbucks dude was there, yes, that's right, boy that made me black tea lemonades EVERY DAY this summer before EMT class, also was there trying to become an EMT today...ahh, the irony. He saw me and said "Black tea lemonade!" and I said,"Starbucks guy!" I couldn't believe it. There were 3 other people I knew too, but I knew them from class, so it wasn't as exciting. One was my ex-stalker (nice guy though, when not stalking..hmm), Eddy, who is totally my buddy, I was so happy to see him, and Steve, who was lovingly referred to hot ditzy guy behind his back...reminds me of stupid blonde college girls, except in guy form, with dimples. So it was a mini reunion. I'm just glad the guy I went on a few awkward dates with wasn't there, cause WHOA could that have been a sticky situation. Lucky me.

Hey, you probably want to know about the test itself. My, are you even still reading this? Your life is more boring than mine! The test, well, I failed it. No, I don't know the real results yet, and yes, I am that girl that goes "No, guys, really, seriously this time, I failed it...I know I did, it was just horrible" when I got a 91 or something, but honest to God, I remember our teacher talking about auto-fails and what it would take to automatically fail, and walking out of my scenario I smacked my head after realizing that no, I did not say I'm checking Dr. Pat--right drug, route, patient, amount, and time= DRPAT. That is indeed an auto fail. So I sulked my way to my car, got in, realized "Wait a minute...I'm a microbiologist...who's getting damn good at her job....and makes a shitload more money than EMTs...this was only a back up plan in case I didn't get a great job, which I did..." and that's when I started laughing. And laughing. And laughing. Because, (as if you didn't already know) I'm a perfectionist right down to the last crumb in the corner of the living room, and I FINALLY FAILED SOMETHING. I mean, I've failed stuff before (Hello...relationships, anyone?) but school wise? Oh hell no. Never. And I don't want to make it a habit but GOD if felt good to fail and not give a damn. I was like one of those lazy ass sons of bitches I hate so much. AH! Good times...

Or maybe I've finally lost my mind.

Oh, finally, one more story. My arm is starting to hurt so it's all I have time for. When I was sitting waiting before the practical in the lecture hall, two guys said, "Hey, we have a question for you." so I said "Okay." And the first guy goes "When you have a gunshot wound to the back, do you lay left lateral recumbant, or do you take spinal precautions and go with the long spine board and C-collar?" And I had no fucking clue, so I said "I'm sorry, I don't know." And then guy #2 decides to unwisely say "Oh, sorry, you looked smart. Guess not."

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. At this point the bitch face came on and I said "Oh, I am smart." And when he then said "Then answer this..", and started to ask another one, I said, quietly, but loud enough for them to hear "Fuck off."

Whew! If that's not like me I don't know what is....or isn't...well anyway, it's not like me at all, but OH MY GOD who would say that? You looked smart, guess not? Eat your ass, buddy.

Sorry, off soapbox.

Alright, happy thoughts--puppies, and fairies, and bubbles, and rainbows, and all things smiley and beautiful and little black dresses and Chad Kroeger's voice (lead singer of Nickleback) which makes me want to orgasm every time I hear it, and la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Night~

"This guy was griping about my grammar and saying I was pretentious. I wanted to write him a letter and say, 'How's this for grammar? Fuck off.'" -Ashley Judd

So my life just got incredibly busy..go figure.

2005-10-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, so basically a lot has happened since the last actual update. But I don't even have that much time to write now, so it won't be as detailed as I would like. Oh well.

Lets see, it all started last weekend when I took off West to my favorite place- Flagstaff. When I first got there I took about 45 minutes to walk around campus, walk through the bio building, check the med school acceptance list by the biomed office to see if anyone else got in since I last checked (they didn't), etc etc. The flood of emotions that came back just being on North campus was more than I've felt anything all summer. It was wonderful just to remember what it felt like to be alive and be happy. Yeah, I know that sounds really stupid, but if you even knew half of what this summer entailed, you would know what I meant. It was just a lighning bolt of ecstatic.
I stayed at my friend Lucie's all weekend. She was so hospitable! I had my own key and room and bed...she was just fantastic the whole time and it made it a very relaxing and comfortable weekend. I got to spend lots of good quality time with her and Steph, both of who I've missed these last few months! We got in some good shopping and downtown time (god I love it down there) and I even ate Cold Stone, which is totally illegal, but it was worth it. I also went to a hockey game which was a very new experience with some familiar faces that showed up. Three people that were in Northern Lights, back in the day, were there and I got GLARES from them. I was kinda like Yeah, back atcha bitches, but I was too happy to notice for more than a second. It's just amazing how you don't see the people you like that much but you see Northern Lights everywhere...well, at least I do. =)
Also while in Flag, I got to finally meet my friend from Phoenix which was completely lovely. We also spent time downtown and had lunch at (yuuuuuuuuuuuum) Beaver St. Brewery. Mm. Anyway, this friend is also coming to visit me this weekend to see the balloons, which is also going to be a lot of fun. Also, I got to see Amanda a couple of times which was so great! Gosh I get to missin that girl. It was so good to talk to one of my girls, and I wish so much that we could all be together again, having coffee at the Coffee Bean or dancing in some skanky bar...maybe someday soon we can all get together and go on some big trip or something. Finally, I saw Kevin, my most recent ex boyfriend, for the first time since our very calm breakup. We had dinner and I thought it might be awkward but it wasn't at all. I think because we had such an easy going end to our relationship it made things very easy to just pick up where we left off, and where we left off was pleasant. And it was one of those things where all the thoughts you'd ever had on the subject kinda came together and made sense..what I mean is, I sometimes forget why I ever was with him to begin with because sometimes he drove me crazy with his army ranger harshness, and sometimes I think Gosh he was great, what happened? (although to be honest it's not as frequent a thought as the first one). But at this dinner I remembered everything I liked about him and I remembered every reason we broke up and it just made sense. Yay for clarity. Yay for adult relationships that are drama free. Yay.
The weirdest thing that happened while there was while I was walking around through campus I was thinking about my future--the career I'm going to choose (still up in the air), the place I'll live, the people I'll live with...and I was thinking how am I ever going to make any of these choices? They all seem so permanent. However, the first one, the career one, needs to be decided sometime soon and it's really been weighing on my mind..so I was thinking I wish someone would just tell me what I need to do to be happy...I wish I knew whether I should be teaching at a great university in a small college town or be treating patients, like I always thought I would, whether as a PA or a DO or an MD...I just wish something would give me a hint. Then I looked up and saw a huge construction site over next to the bio building. I went to see what this was all about and there was a picture of a new building that's going up--and it's a new lab facility for the school, which to me was a very obvious sign.
Now, I don't know if you believe in signs or not...or any of that crap really. I used to but then they let me down a lot and so I stopped believing in all of it. But at that moment, I got chills and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

Alright, off the Flagstaff topic.

To catch you up on the every day crap--work is good, as usual. I'm finally getting good..not great, but good at my job. It's a nice feeling. I've also given up on wearing scrubs every day and have gotten up and put on a skirt and heels to go with my lab coat. It's so much better to feel sexy and confident at work than like a wrinkled potato (I don't know, that what I feel like).
Project Gym is also coming along-the only bad thing is that I currently weigh more than I ever have in my life, which really bothered me at first, but I have analyzed every inch of my body and noticed that it's getting a lot more toned than it used to be. Basically, I'm building muscle, and that's why I weigh more...so I'm accepting the weight.
I'm also studying every day for the EMT state exam which is in about a week and a half in Santa Fe. I don't know if I'll ever get a job in EMS, but I'd like the option, and I'd like to know that I completed the course to the fullist. I'm also terrified of the test (a panel of people watch you save a patient after giving you an unknown scenario) and I want to prove to myself that I can do it.

As for the boring crap, that's about it. The last bit of news is semi vague, but I'll share a little because it'll make me feel better to talk about it...

The only thing I'll really say is that this past Sunday I got to use my newly acquired EMT skills to help rescue/save (both sound heroic, which it wasn't) a member of my immediate family. And holy shit, is that the worst feeling in the world. I was a mess, screaming and crying and shaking, but I managed to do some things right, thank God. Anyway, it was something that will terrify me in flashbacks for a long time (it already has) and I hope none of you ever have to deal with anything like it.
Enough said.

Alright, so to sum it up- I miss Flagstaff and looooove everyone there and wish I could be living there because my God, wouldn't life be easier, job is good, body is better, health is good, busy as hell, family is hanging in there, and a great fun person is going to be here in a few days and we're going to have a great time.

Whew. That was exhausting.
Night all~

Leave your name and a comment and...

2005-09-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. (Um, this one's dumb. New #3: I'll tell you what your superpower would be.)
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

I heart endorfins

2005-09-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

Is that how you spell endorfins? I'm not sure.

Hello blog. How have you been old friend? I've been spectacular. See, I've discovered this thing, called the gym. I kiiiiiiiind of hate it while I'm there like "Ughhhhhh....30 more minutes....ugghhhhh....25 more minutes.....ugh....at least I'm not as fat as her....arrrrrrrrrrgh....god I need chocolate......uuf...I don't know what they mean when they say girls don't sweat, I'm dripping here.....oooowwwwwww.....fuuuuuuckkkkk...." you get the picture. But my good god, I leave there feeling like a supermodel. Granted, I'm not, but it's the feeling that counts. Basically, due to the energy and spiffy keen chemicals my body is releasing I am so HAPPEEEEEEE.
Isn't is sick? I'm bounce off the walls grin like you have a hanger in your mouth slap you on the ass with a wink and a smile happy. There must be other reasons besides the exercise though, right? I mean no one can be completely fulfilled by just working out.

Well, okay, here are the other kinda nifty things that have happened lately.

This week I actually went out and did shit. I didnt come home after work (and the gym) and make some makeshift dinner and spend the evening alone like I've gotten very good at doing. No, I went and got free movie tickets to the sneak of Just like Heaven and Ali and I went to that. That movie is cute, ya'll. These days, I'm actually getting kinda sick of the romancy schmany stuff (I know, right? Me? But yes.), but this movie was almost original, besides the fact that it was kiiiiind of like Ghost or something..anyway, anything w/Reese or Mark (like I know them) is fine by me. Oh, AND there was a little trivia contest thing before the movie, and I won the book Just Like Heaven for answering a question right out of the entire movie audience! Sweet huh? I'm like a regular four leaf clover, I'm so lucky, as you'll see next.
Then, Monday night I'm driving home from (where else?) the gym, and on the radio the dude says "Be caller 10 right now and win 311 tickets." I'm like, shit , what the hell? I never call in for these things. The only other time I tried calling was when they offered some tickets if you could name all of the characters from the Golden Girls, first and last names. And yes, I know that. (Blanche Devereux, Dorthy Spornak, Sofia Petrillo, and Rose Nylan). BUT, alas, I did not win those tickets. HOWEVER, I was caller ten on Monday night and won something for the first time ever! So I was pretty damn psyched.
Funny thing about that though. That concert was the biggest waste of time...hahahaha, right Ali? So of course, my wonderful friend and roomate, who has been babysitting me a lot these days, tagged along since my social life is non existant and I had no one else to ask, and we get there and the concert is being held in this concrete room that seems underground in the convention center. The opener band was on stage when we arrived, and everyone was standing around the stage, jumping around and had their hands in that "rock on" looks like "I love you" in sign language but a little different position. Ali goes "This is the weirdest thing I've ever been to." I didn't know where to go, and not wanting to go into that...crowd...thing...I headed off towards the food...naturally. We stood by the food for what seemed like 87 minutes. Then we sat against a wall for awhile. All this time, the opening band is playing and its so loud I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest, beat its way up to the front of the crowd, and dance around with them, waving its little ventricles in the air.
So that band finishes and the lights come on and we see that we are (except for one couple that looked in their 40s) THE OLDEST PEOPLE IN THERE. Everybody there looked about 16. Ali and I then realized we needed coffee because, having worked all day like adults do, we are tired, so we try to leave to get coffee but they tell us if we leave we cannot come back. So now not only am I surrounded by 16 year olds, I feel like one. I still was in need of caffeine, so it was back to the food stand where I bought a watered down Pepsi from a woman who felt it necessary to comment on the size of the hotdogs..."They're a quarter pound!" Haha, actually, those things were huge...quite...girthy.
Yep, so we then trekked to the other side of the concrete dungeon and sat against the wall on that side, right next to the couple in their 40s. Finally, 311 comes out and I'm thinking "Yes, time for some good music." Wow.....so I guess I didn't realize I only know about 4 songs by 311, all of which are, apparently, their mellower stuff. They come on and it's like LOUD CRASH BANG RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dealt with this for approximatly 3.3 minutes before looking at Ali and screaming "YOU WANNA GO GET SOME COFFEE?"

And that was the end of the 311 concert.

Really, those have been my events of the week. Tonight I went to the bosses house for a dinner of solely appetizers and things I should not have eaten but DID! Oh, it was glorious. I just can't say it enough either, I adore the people I work with. Adore. Microbiologists really must be a lot alike because even though we seem different there is an underlying dirty nasty vulgar humor, which even some of my closest friends do not see come out of me. But, oh, my coworkers...they are just as bad if not worse and they let it all show..and I just love it. And Pat, my work mom, is becoming more and more awesome, she is so much fun to talk to. Even though I have no friends my own age, they are my friends, and I'm quite appreciative of that.

Yeah, I got nothing else.

Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuchwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

(That, for all of you that don't know, is a big kiss)

Night~

Wowza

2005-09-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

So today at work I was more than slightly loopy due to about 3 hours of sleep last night. I tossed and turned all night from a stomach ache, anyway, not the point. I was so out of it that I threw two things toward the trashcan, missed both (I was about 2 feet from the can) and then walked away from it thinking I made both shots. My boss stopped me and said "You know neither of those things went in the trashcan, right?" and I looked up at him with glazed over eyes and said "Hmm? Oh..." and continued walking away before realizing, Hi, yeah, that's your boss. Go pick those things up.

So then I go to run errands after work. I go to the Hasting's drop off box to drop a video off, and drive up to it so the passenger door pulls right up next to it. I realize, hm, there is no one here to put the movie in and I'm too tired to reach, so I drive around the parking lot to go up to the drop off box again. I end up back at the box exactly the same way. So I'm like DAMMIT, and drive around again, and yes, third time's a charm.

Then I gotta head to vitamin cottage for some probiotics (hallelujah for good bacteria) and I'm walking through the aisles when something catches my eye. It's a supplement called "Horny Goat Weed." I kid you not! So I'm standing in this aisle, staring at the box, when all of the sudden POP, a thought comes into my head of this weed smoking goat who smokes so much that he gets completely randy and fucks everything in sight. This of course makes me laugh out loud in the middle of the aisle. Ah, horny weed smoking goats.

Then I got a nap in.

Amen.

Trying to keep busy

2005-09-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

Sitting here contemplating stuff...what a few days...I'm glad they're over, and it's truly back to work tomorrow. I enjoy the monotony of work. Last night was fun. Michael, a friend from high school came over from like 10 until 3:30 and we caught up. It was completely lovely, and I was so glad to see him. After that, I was bugging Gus about not being able to hear his voice, so I got a 4am phone call. I'm happy I got to hear it finally, and it's TOO SEXY!!!!! Ahaha.
So today I was driving and thinking to myself "You know what I hate? Blah blah blah, and know what else I hate? Blah blah..." and see, I say blah because I don't even remember what I hated, because THEN I thought "Wow, Ms. Negative, what exactly is it that you LIKE?" So to get it all out, here is a list of the things I hate, in no particular order. And then AFTERWARDS, to rid myself of these negative thoughts, a list of likes to counter the hates. Here goes:

HATES:
1. People who chew loudly.
2. That commercial where the girl sings "888-4453" over and over again.
3. Gluten.
4. Spitting.
5.Senseless violence and wars.
6. People who get depressed when they drink instead of giddy and carefree.
7. Heavy metal.
8. People wearing silver and gold in the same outfit.
9. Cigarettes.
10. Parking spaces that are too close together.
11. That you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway...just kidding, I don't hate that.
12. Bushes. Especially those named George, Laura, Jenna, and Barbara.
13. Dog drool.
14. Cat litter.
15. The popping of gum, especially if you are over the age of 15.
16. Gambling.
17. The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
18. Liars.
19. Bad drivers.
20. Smog.
21. Making sure everyone knows how busy you are, even if it takes a lot of time to tell them. 22. Bad kissers.
23. Hurricanes.
24. Those who think adopting kids is a bad idea because your kids won't look like you.
25. Lonliness.
26. When you buy someone a present and they already have it.
27. Too orange of tans, too short of skirts, or too blonde of hair.
28. Guys that are so metrosexual that they aren't MEN anymore.
29. Girls that are just a liiiitle too chubby to be wearing that midriff.
30. Racism.
31. People who spread rumors to feel BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES because they don't know any other way to do it.
32. Bright red urine. Ha, don't ask.
33. Getting stressed so bad that you lose all your stuff, causing you to get more stressed out. 34. Posers.
35. Avocados.
36. Waking up right before your alarm goes off.
37. Guys that you dont want on your ass at the bars that DON'T GET OFF.
38. Autism.
39. Putting away groceries.
40. Losing touch with those you care about.
41. Guns
42. Egg salad
43. Any sort of camp songs or long bus ride songs, aka, 99 bottles of anything
44. Tom Cruise
45. Gas prices...again, see #12
46. Airplanes
47. That smell the garbage gets after a few days of everything in it just kinda festering together.
48. Driving in snowstorms
49. Illness, disease, pain.
50. Moments of weakness

Likes: One to counter every hate.
1. Those who chew quitely, and the sweet dinner you can have with them.
2. The subway commercial with the nerdy guys that laugh about an "Apprentice level galyidon"
3. New recipes to try to avoid gluten.
4. Swallowing. EW! Haha. Wow, totally not what I meant about spitting either. Oh well. It's just, how else do you counter spitting?
5. People that are willing to fight for what they think is right.
6. People who get drunk and are giddy and carefree because of it.
7. Country =)
8. People whose outfits match beautifully and are accessorized flawlessly.
9. Quitting smoking.
10. Garages
11. That I said "That you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway" under hates. Classic.
12. Bushes. Ones that are pretty and have flowers growing on them.
13. The dog that comes with the drool.
14. The cat that comes with the litter.
15. Learning how to pop gum, and then never doing it again.
16. Going to Vegas and seeing others gamble.
17. Orlando Bloom in anything but the Lord of the Rings Trilogy
18. People who seek out the truth in others.
19. Hot cars, even if the drivers are bad.
20. Small cities with clean air (ahem, FLAGSTAFF)
21. Being busy and being happy about it. At least you're not at home bored off your ass.
22. Teaching bad kissers the WAY YOU LIKE IT
23. The strength that comes out of a person that went through a hurricane.
24. Adoption. Period.
25. Being alone. =)
26. When you buy someone the perfect gift, one they've been waiting for, and you've never felt better.
27. Natural tans or paleness, knee length skirts, and haircolor that's flattering, whether natural or dyed.
28. Men. Men that don't tweeze their eyebrows, shave ONLY their face, and are waiting at the door for you to finish getting ready instead of the other way around.
29. Girls that are just a little chubby and it's so amazingly flattering on them. Curves rock.
30. Tolerance.
31. People who do good for others to FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES. Nothing wrong with that.
32. Yellow pee. Normal, yellow pee.
33. The calm after the stress storm.
34. Individuals.
35. Other good for you fatty foods, like almonds or salmon.
36. Being woken up right before you were about to wake up, by kisses or a soft voice in your ear.
37. Guys at the bars who you don't mind occupying your ass for just this one song...
38. The people who try to help when you have an autistic member of the family.
39. The moment after putting away groceries when you think, hmm, now what can I eat?
40. Catching up with old friends.
41. Water guns
42. Laughing with your roomate about your hatred of egg salad.
43. Long trips with good CDs
44. Brooke Shields standing up for herself and all women.
45. The smell of gasoline...oh, so good.
46. The people you get to see in the airport after the plane ride is over.
47. A familiar smell that brings a flood of good memories back to you.
48. Playing in the snow. On a day off of school. In college.
49. Those willing to decidicate their lives to helping these things. Rock on.
50. Moments of weakness.

Here's just a few more- smiling faces in pictures, dancing in your underwear, chocolate, weddings, fruit, John Mayer, The Notebook, rain, lazy any days, a feeling of accomplishment after a huge presentation or after making it through another day, big sunglasses, strappy shoes, peace, starbucks green tea lemonades, coworkers who will help you over and over and over again, pink toenails, not being "new" at a job anymore, new projects, excitement, jumping up and down and screaming and shrieking about a boy even if you are in fact 22, swing dancing, organization, England, tank tops, Charlie Brown, fresh flowers, a good song on the radio, butterfly kisses, hozhone haaz'dlii (navajo for walking in beauty, a way to live life), fireflies, ladybugs, the name Ben, every other Friday paychecks, big belly laughs, and the list goes on and on...
Have a good one. =)

Another good one--found on Karens blog. Thanks Karen!

2005-09-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

I REGRET. The breakdown I had in front of my family the other day.
I LOVE. All night chats with old friends and sleeping until 1.
I HATE. Tummy aches
I MISS. Amanda, Naomi, Amanda, Carla, Karen, Kayce, and old school girls nights.
I FEAR. Not having a full and fullfilling life.
I SEE. Only the present, as the future is a big empty slate.
I HEAR. Train singing Calling all Angels
I SEARCH. For things to busy myself with so that every second of every day has purpose.
I KNOW. That I'll look back at this time of life and be glad it happened because of the lessons learned and the strength gained.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...
SMILED? Today at the gym when I returned a wave of one of the employees I've befriended there.
DANCED? Friday night downtown
KISSED SOMEONE? My (soon to no longer be) dog Lucy on Saturday.
HUGGED SOMEONE? Lucy, Saturday
HAD A NIGHTMARE? Several weeks. I don't remember what about. But I've been dreaming a lot lately.
LAST THING YOU READ: Last thing I finished was Cinderella Man. Current reading is The Wedding
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW ON THE BIG SCREEN: Wedding Crashers
LAST PHONE NUMBER YOU CALLED: Let's check-Michael last night, returning his call
LAST SHOW YOU WATCHED ON TV: Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals...it wasn't a very good one today.
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: Right now--Train, When I Look to the Sky...gee, wonder what CD I'm listening to.
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: Rasberry flavored green tea with a splash of soy milk and honey
LAST THING YOU ATE: A nectarine.

Depressed on a Saturday night...good time for a survey!

2005-09-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Time started: 8:22 pm
Name: Erynn Elizabeth Kay
Nickname: Eek, Er, Bean, hey you?
Sex: 100% female.
Birthdate: June 24, 1983 at 5:31 a.m.
Siblings: 1 brother, now 19 years old..jeez.
Shoe size: 8 medium. A very average size
Height: 5'6"
What are you wearing right now: Jeans, and an nau tshirt under an nau hoodie
Where do you live: Albuquerque, NM. Hopefully not for much longer.
Righty or lefty: Righty, which means I'll live longer than left handed people
Fingers: What does this mean? I have them, yes.
Favorite cartoon character: Snoopy
Given anyone a bath: My puppy, and various children I've babysat.
Have you ever smoked: Never smoked a thing
Bungee Jumped: Yeah, don't do it. Not fun.
Parasailed: No, but just tried windsurfing...it's hard.
Made yourself throw-up: Not for bulimic reasons or anything, but yeah, to feel better.
Gone skinny dipping: A LOOOOONG time ago (it feels like)
Been in the opposite sex's bathroom: Yes...is this an odd thing? I've also looked in their medicine cabinets...it's funny what some guys have.
Eaten a dog biscuit: Yes I have
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: Oh, thousands of times, or so it feels
Played truth or dare: Yes, plus double dare, promise and repeat.
Been in a physical fight: No..been the cause of one and been threatened to be beat up, but no.
Been in a police car: yeah but only to look at it on a scavenger hunt
Been in a sauna: mmm, sauna...
Been in a hot tub: who hasn't?
Swam in the ocean: Yes. I wish I could be doing that right now.
Fallen asleep in school: Only once and I was really sick.
Ran away?: Ha, does today count? Because it feels like that's what I did.
Broken someone's heart: Without sounding egocentric, again, what seems like thousands of times. Apparently I'm very good at causing misery.
Cried when someone died: Yes
Flashed someone: Yeah, but it wasn't risque or anything...that person had already seen everything anyway.
Cried in school: Mhhmm. Why don't we just have a question of "Cried everywhere possible?" and I'd say yes. Empty bathtubs? Yes. Car? Yes. While watching commercials that are touching? Yes, of course. I am the ultimate crier.
Fell off your chair: hehe, yes, while on the phone usually
Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call: Yeah...sadly
Saved MSN / AOL / AIM conversations: Yes, though most of them I have no idea where they are now.
Saved e-mails: Still have some from years ago.
Fallen for your best friend?: Twice. It's the best feeling in the world.
Been cheated on?: I don't think so, but who knows for sure?

*First thing that comes to mind
*Red: blood
Blue: calm
Autumn: thank god, i'm sick of summer
Cow: um....hahahahahahahahahaha. i can't say.
*What is..
*Your good luck charm: I don't have one. No point anyway.
your room like: it was called "homey" yesterday. it has lots of pictures to remind me of happier times, stuff from my old bedroom and college bedroom combined, which is a first. It's nice. It has a very big window which I enjoy immensely.
beside you: The closest thing? A Fall group exercise schedule of classes for Sports and Wellness. It's highlighted with classes I'm interested in. Nerd huh?
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Dove, it's lovely
Something that has happened to you this year: I graduated college.
Worst thing that has happened to you this year: Its a toss up. You decide between the following: got in a shitty car accident, had my heart broken twice, moved away from almost everything I loved, gotten in more fights with my family than ever before, or felt completely out of place in my own life? God what a whiner huh?
Had Sore Throat: From August - December, had a constant one. Then I found out about the whole gluten/dairy thing. Stopped those and haven't had one since.
Believe in love at first sight?: Absolutly not. How could you know you love someone just by looking at them? You haven't had time to get to know everything that's completely wrong with them. =)
Like picnics: Love em. Outdoors + food = a happy me
Like school: I adore school. I'm good at school. I miss school.
Loved anyone: I've answered this is so many ways, this is a very redundant survey. Maybe I'll write a better one.
*Would you:
*Eat a live hamster: I would never do that for anything.
Kill someone you didn't know for 15 billion dollars: No. That's right up there with eating a hamster.
*Who Was the last person................
*You touched: Ali and Jen's friend Tri (pronounces like Tree, I have no idea how to spell it) We went out downtown last night and this creepy European named Reno "Like Las Vegas...you know, Reno..." Actually, no dumbass, that's why one is called Las Vegas and the other is called Reno...was on my ass so Tri made him think we were together by pulling me away. Tri is awesome. It's always good to have the token guy with you at the bars.
You massaged: I can't even remember it's been that long
You yelled at: Yelled? like really yelled? Kevin.
Who broke your heart: Isn't it obvious?
Who told you they loved you last? My mom.
*Do you/Are You:
*Do you like filling these out: They give me something to do. So yeah.
Do you wear contacts or glasses: Both, usually contacts.
Do you like yourself: I used to. Sometimes I do still.
Obsessive? Oh yeah. About everything. Type A all the way.
Anorexic? Nope, I love food more than anything.
Depressed? Yes.
Suicidal? Not quite there yet. I should be though, after all the shit.....
*Final questions-
*What are you listening to right now: The tv is on, but I'm not paying attention.
Can you do a front or back flip? In the pool I can do both.
What did you do yesterday: I went to work from 6:30 to 3:30 and had a pretty good day there. Then I mailed two bills, and went to the gym for an hour where I toned up with machines and weights (with my new routine from my personal trainer) and then got in about half an hour of cardio. After this, I ate, talked to Gustavo online and took a nap. Then I got up, ate again, and got dressed up to go downtown, wearing a sexy black halter dress. We went downtown to Maloney's and The Library. Got home around two and talked to an old friend online for about an hour, which was lovely. Also sent an IM that I probably shouldn't have. Went to bed around 3:30.
What is your favorite band: Of all time? Too hard to say, but John Mayer is so high on my list I'll say him. Though he's not a band.
Hated someone in your family: Today is a bad day to ask me that. I guess no.
Got any awards: Yeah...some of which were winner of a jump roping contest, good student of the month in middle school (which mortified me) and various other nerdy things.
Want to get married: I'm not marryable.
What is your favorite video game? I grew up in love with Sonic the Hedgehog.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? I wish I didn't feel EVERYTHING. I wish I could just let things go.
Good actor: Good liar...haven't acted in a long time though
Good Singer: Sometimes, yeah.
Have a lava lamp: Its in the garage.
How many remote controls are in your house: 4 that I know of.
Are you double jointed: I don't know if that's what its called but my elbows bend backwards and I can move the tendons on my hand back and forth on command.
What do you dream about: A few nights ago I was on a quest to find old friends in Tucson and saw just about everyone I've ever known. Two nights ago I dreamt of beginning a new relationship with a guy who was just nice. Purely nice. Had only the best intentions. Wonder what that's like in real life. It was nice in my dreams.
Last time you showered: This afternoon around 4
The last movie you saw at the theatres: Wedding Crashers
Scary or happy movies: Happy
Silver or Gold: Silver
Diamond or pearl: Diamond
Sunset or Sunrise: When alone, sunset, when with someone special, sunrise
Phone or in person: Of course in person
Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Oldest
Do you want your friends to fill this out and post it? Yeah, that'd be fun.

....

2005-08-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

Well....I've had a few shots and a blended frappacino...and I must admit...I DO feel better....

The almost perfect weekend

2005-08-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

Being that this is my last two full day weekend off for the next three weeks, I wanted to do a lot of stuff that I wanted to do, not a lot of stuff that I had to do, which is what I've been doing for, oh, most of my life thus far. At least, all the time spent in school hard enough to have weekend homework, and the last three months. So it worked out really well when David asked me if I wanted to come to the lake (Cochiti) with him and Jason and some other nice folks. Of course I asked Ali to go (naturally) and we were off to the lake for a day of fun in the sun and yucky water. Which I didn't mind at all, even though I'm a microbiologist. I actually attempted windsurfing (that takes STRENGTH that I don't HAVE), which seems like it'd be really fun once you got good at it, which apparently takes, oh, about 11 years. There was lots of eating...well, mostly Ali and I did this...it was goooood. And lots of wading and generally just being lazy. I loved it. The only bad part is that today I look like a tomato with a rudolph nose. But s'alright. Skin cancer is years away. Haha.
So after the lazy hazy day at the lake, I came home and basically crashed and burned (no pun intended) for the remainder of the evening, falling asleep about 9:45.
This morning I awoke around 8, decided that was too early, and dragged my behind outta bed around 9 to hit the gym. Yeah gym! I love it, I feel so...well, kinda nasty while I'm at it...whoever said girls don't sweat is WRONG...gross huh, well anyway, but afterwards I feel friggin incredible, like sexy and strong, and basically just utterly awesome. After the gym I got the groceries (GOD I hate hauling all those things up the stairs...ugh!) and took a shower and had lunch, which of course was good, considering I just got groceries..isn't that the best? When you have so much food you have to like sit down and choose what you're gonna have because there are too many good options? Oh man..
Then the best part of the day begin...I...went...shopping. Now, don't get me wrong, normally I hate shopping for extended periods of time, ESPECIALLY when I'm alone and have very little money to spend, which was the situation today. BUT I set out with two goals in mind: shoes that are cute that I can wear to work, and to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. I started at Payless, because on occasion you can find the perfect shoe there. Today was not that occasion. I actually did find this one pair that was adorable that I may have to go back for (they're like twead flats that have red and cream and brown in them with a bow....sooooo cute) but that's for another day. Then I went to Hastings to return the elusive A lot like Love and found that there are no new releases I wanted, so I rented an old movie called Singles. Haven't watched it yet. Then TO THE MALL! First things first--Gloria Jeans coffee for an iced white mocha. Holy hell. That's the way to do it. I had negative stress in me today, I swear, I was like ready to dance my way through the mall while sipping on my coffee delight. I meandered all over, just perusing and taking in all the goodness the mall had to offer...a dad with his little boy, holding hands, a daughter pushing her old mother around in a wheel chair, really cute leather bag in The Limited's window...ah, lovely. Then I found them. $80 Nine West shoes that were black, leather, cute, and perfect for work...for 20 bucks. YES. IT'S AN ACTUAL MIRACLE.
And of course, we lived happily ever after.
No, um, so anyway, I also ended up buying this pink lacy shirt from NY and Co., and my fave boyshorts in several patterns and colors. YES.
After the mall, Whole Foods it was. I am in love with that store. Got some rice bread for the Glutenless Girl (can you see that superhero? I'd have a cape made of rice and corn, or something) and good dark chocolate for the strawberry dessert I'm gonna try out later in the week. Yummy yummy.
To top off the day, the extended/step family went to Pelicans for, seriously, one of the best meals I've ever had. People...go there! And get the Sesame Salmon...oh holy fuck. These days I've really enjoyed having dinner with all of them. Not the salmon, the family. They're crazy and I love them. Tonight, Bob and I kept talking in Indian accents, you know, like Apu on The Simpsons...oh my god, we were all laughing so hard by the end of the night. The sad part though was that my mom couldn't go because my parents now have to alternate who's taking care of Ryan since we have no one to.
So, the perfect weekend, right? Well....almost.
Even though the lake was pristine, the salmon divine, the shopping soothing, the company good....I have a very heavy sadness that continues to weigh me down caused by 4 people. I desperatly want to do something, anything, to remedy this any way I can, by talking to these people, by telling them I love them, by being helpful, by not just sitting on my ass and watching all of them slip away from me and each other...but I can't. I don't know what to do. And the only times I've done anything at all has ended up hurting all the other people even more than before. So this weight on my shoulders was with me the entire weekend as well. And that's the almost....
But to end on a good note--
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw." --Jack Handy
"I'm not fat! Am i fat??" -Now and Then
"I could be jello." - My Best Friend's Wedding
"Shit motherfucker fuck shit!" -Sex in the City
"All human beings connect sex and love...except for men." --Roseanne
"Why don't you just hang out? Why do you need a fucking red hat?" -Nick, on red hat ladies
"DAMNED! DAMNED FROM THE START!" -James on a particular sledding adventure
and finally....
"That's not a bag! It IS a lady!" -David

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah........................................................

Blah blah blah, complaining is BORING

2005-08-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've de-manic-ed. Amazing what a day off will do for ya.
A brief and scattered update-
Car insurance is a bitch. You gotta go out, find it, pay out the ass for it, and then pray to God you don't get into another wreck. Meanwhile, driving is just not fun anymore. For someone who used to go driving just for kicks, its sad to have post-traumatic car accident disorder. On the plus side, I heart my new car. She still needs a name...any suggestions?
Work is good, I'm making friends and starting (just a little) to be me there. One lady told me I'd make a very cute mom the other day. This I just loved. I WOULD make a cute mom! Just not for several more years.
A Lot Like Love is a very good movie..much better than I expected. Though, another Ashton Kutcher movie in the near future isn't going to be necessary. I've had enough.
I'm beginning to put together two trips in my head. One is to Phoenix, the other to Flagstaff. In the near future I'm going to start calling people in these two cities and check out their schedules so we can hang out. I (still) am having major sad moments missing people terribly. And not just people, but a life that was full. You know, just because your life is busy doesn't mean it's full...but I had a full life in Flag there those last two years. Full and fullfilling. Working to get back to that is a challenge, and some days you don't want the challenge, you just want to go back to AZ. Anyway, it's giving me something to look forward to. Can't wait.
Um..hum de dum...OOH, so I'm seeing Coldplay tomorrow which I'm pumped about. Their music is like being in a constant dream-like state, of which I'm in most of the time anyway, so I'm excited. It'll be like being in my own head..but on stage...and louder...with Chris Martin singing. And Apple and Gwyneth backstage (they are, you know..they're on tour with him..how weird to know that one of my favorite actresses will be there too).
I've decided to take up quilting. It sounds like an old lady thing, but how nice would that be? To make a quilt and give it to someone would be awesome. I really only want to do it because I have about a million tshirts and sweatshirts and stuff from things I did in high school and college that I'll never wear, so I figure, why not make them into a quilt? Maybe add some pictures on there too from those times, make it like a whole blanket scrapbook. Neat eh?
Cooking and getting new recipes is my new favorite thing. I made dinner for Ali and I tonight and it was a sucess! And I got a great idea for a sundried tomato pesto torta. Betcha don't know what that is! I didn't before today but I'm realizing that I can cook! Thank God, maybe there is hope for me yet.
I joined Sports and Wellness. Yay. It's the prettiest gym I've ever seen. And I already made a friend there which is nice. Ever since I don't have to focus on school 110% of the time, my goals have changed just a little..and one of them has to do with looking HOT. Shallow huh? Don't you love it? I'm going to tone up, slim down, dress better, eat better (which started last year, thankfully), GROW MY HAIR OUT (if anyone even thinks of allowing me to chop off several inches again STOP ME), etc etc. I mean, really, how are you supposed to feel good if you don't look it? I don't know, it's a lame goal and I realize, but it's short term and fun and so I don't mind the shallowness of it all.
So that wasn't such a brief update. It wasn't even a remotely interesting one. Bet you're bored. Why are you still reading this?
La da da blah blah blah night~

Smiling IS my favorite...but lately frowning is more common.

2005-08-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

Holes - Rascal Flatts

There's three in the hall from those pictures in the closet
Two in the bedroom from that night I lost it,
And one deep inside me, determined to stay,
They don't get any bigger but they don't go away.

Holes, in and around me, I keep falling back into
Holes, digging its around me,
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you.

I pour drink after drink, but nothing hit bottom
I've been on my knees, admitted my problems
The love that we made still barely an echo,
And I'll try anything and these vacant, hollow ...

Holes, in and around me, I keep falling back into
Holes, digging its around me,
God knows what I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes left by you.

There's two through my hands, and one though my feet
From this cross that I bear till the day that I see
It's guilt and it's blame, it's shame and it's love
Seeking the truth, I've dug them myself

Yep...feeling this song. Does anyone else have this CD? Holy hell, there's a song for everything. Real update soon when I de-manic.

Holy jeez! An update!

2005-08-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

Living room tables....$50

Suede green couch for the pseudo-European living room....$400

2004 Toyota Corolla LE in sleek white...$12, 595

Being a young, talented, sexy girl with a college degree that MAKES HER OWN DAMN MONEY.......priceless.

Ahhhhhhh....................
So what's new? Let's see, here's all the things that have happened since the last blog.
As most of you know, I wrecked my car this summer, my beloved car of which I will always have great memories of, and it was deemed "totaled." So, car shopping has been the priority for the last 2 weeks or so. My dad has been wonderful, going with me after work and whatnot, and last night we finally found her. My new car. It's definetly a her, though she doesn't have a name yet...I'll have to see what her personality is like first. I'm picking her up tomorrow night and then I'll finally have wheels again, besides my moms dodge intrepid, which drives just like a boat would, if IT were on the road. So that's neat.
I have moved into the apartment. My new roomate is pretty cool, I don't know her very well, but I'm sure we'll get to know each other with time....=) Haha. Actually, no, its fun, we've been decorating, or trying to with a lack of time being that we both work an awful lot. It's turning out really nice.
I've learned 4, count em, 4 benches at work. That's pretty good! I'm trying really hard and feel like I'm getting to know people there pretty well, and getting to know the bacteria there even better, intimatly if you will. wink! Ew, no, gross. I still get frustrated at myself a little too often, but a perfectionist never lets up. That's what makes them perfectionists!
Hm, what else. OOOH. Here's a cool one. I now am certified to SAVE YOUR LIFE. Scared? Yeah, you should be, cause I still think I suck ass at it. I have my EMT-Basic Liscence. After the test (2 scenario tests where you are sent to a scene and then someone watches you save the patient) I went out to applebees with some fellow passers (4 failed, if not more), all of which happened to be guys. It was like a flashback to high school....all the attention..lord. I'd forgotten what that's like, since most of my Flag friends are/were girls. Anyway, it was nice, but it made me realize once again how much I miss having girlfriends. Sigh. But then two nights later there was an EMT party to celebrate and I got kinda loaded. Also fairly enjoyable. =) I even played a drinking game. I don't play those! They get you drunk too fast! But I did, and before I knew it, my friends Aaron and Benny were laughing at me...a lot. Doesn't take much.
So yeah, guess that's about it. I'm glad that summer is winding down and fall is right around the corner, because summer was pretty shitty, and I'm ready for change.
Lots of love to all~

I miss Flagstaff.

2005-07-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

The end.

The joys of being out of school....

2005-07-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

Turns out, there aren't any. I go to work 40 hours a week, I go to class (okay, I guess I'm technically still in school, but only for two more weeks and even so, it doesn't feel like school because it's at night and filled with old people), I come home, eat dinner, watch crap tv or read magazines, watch a movie, and eat everything in the house. Soon, I'll become fat, depressed, and completely brainwashed into thinking reality tv is a godsend. Ho hum.
So to stay young, vibrant, and you know, whatever else is good, I've decided I need to take on some new hobbies to keep life interesting. Here are a few I've come up with so far--
1) Taking up a new instrument, perhaps the guitar, fiddle, or I could become a classical pianist. Or do you have to start at that when you're a little kid? I see the fiddle as an actual possibility because its very energetic and kinda spastic, which is, sadly, a lot like me, or at least the pre-couch potato version.
2) Learning to swim. I know, it's pathetic that a 22 year old doesn't know how to swim, but I don't, and that would not only be good exercise, but would immensely improve my already lowered self-esteem, learning how to do something that I've never been able to master. Moving on...
3)Dancing. I used to dance. A lot. Actually, I still do, but it's more like a twirling around my room thing while lip-synching to SheDaisy, or something else equally lame. I can kinda swing...kinda...and semi- salsa...a little....so working on either of those would be enjoyable. Sadly, these involve a partner, and the only person remotely interested in taking on this job is my 34 year old friend Aaron, who I already spend too much time with. Oh, yes, add quickly to list, Make friends. Other kinds of single dancing are also interesting and fun, but may not bring many new friends as I think the type of people that take adult dance classes are middle aged housewives that are also trying to stimulate their brains with a new hobby.
4) Then of course, there's hitting Hobby Lobby and becoming crafty. Sure, I've done my share of crafts, but I'm no Martha Stewart...which brings me to my next hobby....
5) Insider trading. Hahaha, no, back to crafts. Being able to knit a good blanket or scarf, or create a wreath from things around the house, or perhaps even make quilt, would be kinda awesome, AND, bonus, domestic, which I need to be more of. Hence....
6) COOKING. I'm quite bad. SOooooooo, wouldn't it be awesome to become this, like, fabulous chef? The sad part about this is, when you're allergic to everything, cooking is just not fun, BUT I could become the gluten free dairy free chef of the neighborhood and have glorious parties with tables overflowing with.....fuck...shit..there really isn't much that sounds good that doesn't have wheat or dairy in it...but hey, at least my table would have a fantastic little centerpiece that I whipped up based on my new found craftiness~

And the shit's hit the fan.....

2005-07-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

So the build up of the stress from being bad at my job and bad at EMT stuff has finally caused me to break. On my lunch break, I decided to go out to get food cause all my co-workers were eating wheatey stuff (which I'm allergic to, hence the leaving for lunch) and I got T boned by a woman in a big white car. I'm fine, my knee is kinda shitty, but it's okay. Anyway...just a little update. I've decided all will be well again tomorow.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Hope you're having a good day.

Lil update

2005-07-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I want to update, I don't have much to say. Just feeling chatty. Still killing off all my patients in EMT class but still scoring A's on the written tests...ugh, sick of being book smart....Work is cool, I'm totally clueless still...well, not totally, but not very clued in, I guess you could say. My computer is not letting me enter to the next line, so if this seems rambley, blame the computer. Anyway, big deal of the week, I've realized i have a life now. It may just consist of work, school, and hanging out with EMT folks every so often, but it's a life nonetheless. Better than eating all day and watching reruns of Boy Meets World (which I did for the first few weeks after graduation, though that may have been due to depression). My dog is sooo wonderful, I'm going to miss being able to see her every day. Oh, here's the weird news of the week...I have a stalker. Well, kind of. He's obsessed, according to several people, but it's kinda freaking me out a little. He talks to me thru text messages allllll day and I ignore them and he gets mad. He's currently not speking to me because I am "mean" and didn't respond fast enough. Bleh. Where are all the good men? Hi, I'm single and cute and suddenly have a life and am not loserish, hello?? Eh, it's okay, I'm not really complaining, I'm too busy now anyway. In 3 weeks I'll be moved into the apt...yay! Hmm...anything else to tell you? I guess not...anyway, I read Cooks' blog and liked his idea--let me know how you are. All of you that read this. I'd like to know what's going on. Alright ya'll. Night~

I get one night off from everything and this is how I spend it? Shit...

2005-07-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Mike Chen, who I don't really know, but whose blog I stole this from.
A - Age you got your first kiss: 15
B - Band listening to right now: At the moment, nothing. In my car CD player-Rascal Flatts
C - Crush: No one. Everyone. Anyone.
D - Dad's name: Kerry Michael Kay
E - Easiest people to talk to: All my friends are easy to talk to, but the people who are REALLY easy to talk to are.. Ali, Aaron, Amanda M. (what's with A names?), Stephanie, Brian, my Ma, Joanne (she's from work, and I don't know her that well, but I adore her!), Gustavo, Jen. I know there's more...
F - Favorite bands at the moment: Rascal Flatts, Coldplay (aug 24, I'm there, and I have an extra ticket if anyone's interested), and of course John. Mayer that is.
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: Worms, mm. With "dirt" --oreo cookie
H- Hometown: Albuquerque, NM, or Marlton, NJ, your choice.
I - Instruments: Currently none, but the fiddle has recently become of interest. I'm not kidding.
J - Junior High: Madison Middle School
K - Kids: What about them? I enjoy them, find them somewhat amusing...I'll have a couple, sure. You want to make some?
L - Longest car ride ever: From ABQ to Hilton Head, NC
M - Mom's name: Lisa Gail Cowder Kay
N - Nicknames: EEK, Er, Tela, Punk
O - One wish: World peace. Ok, I'm being fecicious. How do you spell that? Is it like feces? FECEScious? Hmm. No, um, one wish...to be involved in music again. In every possible way--new instrument, singing, and dancing.
P - Phobias: Touching of my feet, or your feet touching me anywhere, especially my feet...shudder. Spiders in toothbrushes. Little people. Dropping everything on the floor at work while my boss is watching.
Q - Quotes: Come on by and peruse my quote book.
R - Reason to smile: Love ....ok I'm just being a smartass again. Umm....a great song on the radio that you haven't heard in at least several months that is just beginning as you turn to that station. Oh yeah.
S - Song you sang last: "Keep on Loving You" --REO Speedwagon. It was on the radio, right at the beginning and i haven't heard it in months!
T - Time you woke up today: 6am. I woke up 45 mins late and went to work stinky.
U - Little known fact about you: Wow, that's, like impossible. I hide nothing...I almost bought a hairless guinea pig once, because I thought he was cute. I wanted to name him George. I went to visit him every few days for about 2 weeks and was about to spend the hundred bucks for him, when I found out that in order to keep him alive, he had to be rotated into and out of this special light from a heatlamp, and have oil rubbed onto his skin every couple of hours to avoid burns. Umm...I have never once eaten a whole olive because I think it looks like an eyeball. I ran away when I was three years old to a neighbors house and was found in their garden, eating cherry tomatoes. To this day, I'd kill for a good cherry tomato. Let's see, I have to think of one more, cause this is just fun....oo, ok, here's a good one. I lie about my first love. I tell everyone that it was when I was 16 because that's fairly believable and it was a good, long, quality relationship. I was really 13 and in love with an 11 year old. Absolutly, head over heels in love. But no one believes that's possible. For those that don't know the end of this story we ended up dating, several years later. Neat, huh? Ok, confessions with Erynn is over.
V - Vegetable you hate: Are olives vegetables? Cause they look like eyeballs. Beets. I hate beets.
W - Worst habit(s): Get irritated my everyone else's bad habits and then telling them.
X - X-rays you've had: Several of my mouth/teeth, ankle, wrist, that's it.
Y - Yummy food: Milk Chocolate. Pasta. Bread. Cheese. Mmm...oh wait, I'm allergic to all those things. Peaches. MMMM Soy Delicious in Mocha Almond Fudge
Z - Zodiac sign: 100% Cancer

blah la blah la la la blah

Mega Update

2005-07-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

Due to the fact that neither computer in this house has been working lately, I have not updated this, or done any sort of emailing/IM in awhile, or if I have it's been quite sporadic. Sorry. But I'm still alive, more so that I have been these last couple of months, and so I thought now would be a good time for an update.

Work is pretty cool. I just comped (competency exams) the blood bench, my first bench in the lab, and I feel very good about it. I guess I'm part vampire or something, because I took to it pretty well. Next up: Virology. I get to do herpes, varicella (chicken pox), HIV, West Nile, and Clostridium stuff now (though Clostridium is not a virus, but done in virology...weird, eh?) I already started training in it and saw all sorts of crazy things..the most crazy of which was the 82 year old woman from the nursing home that contracted HSV-2...yep, that's right, genital herpes. Ya gotta wonder if they have enough activities for the people in these homes if they are sleeping around!!! But hell, if I was stuck in one of those places and wasn't going to live much longer, I suppose I'd be having all the sex I could too.
But work is basically good. Got my first paycheck yesterday and may I just say....ah whoo hoo! Thank GOD I got such a good paying job.

EMT is still the highlight of my life and it just gets better....actually, let me clarify. The social aspect just gets better. I have been going out and having a good time with several of my classmates (more later) and really enjoy them. Most of the ones I've been spending time with are in their early thirties, which has been very suitable for me. I sometimes get tired of doing the same activities all the time that people my age tend to do, and so spending time with a mature crowd is kinda cool. The school part of EMT though...well, that's another story. Since I'm slaving my life away at work, I no longer have time to study for class. As a result, I have killed 2 out of 2 "patients" (practice scenarios). 2 for 2. If I ever am an EMT and I show up to your house and you need to be saved.....well, I'm sorry. Hope you enjoy the afterlife.
It's really bothering me though, because as the ultimate Type A personality, I need to do everything perfect, and I don't like failing. So tomorrow I think I'm going to review like EVERYTHING we've learned thus far so next week won't be so god awful.

I had a birthday recently. I'm 22. That sounds like a cool age, though it doesn't really feel like it. It feels too old for college-ness, too young for just about everything else...but I suppose it has been okay so far. My actual birthday was completely awful until about 10pm that day. My mom decided to pick fights with me all day. I had absolutly no plans, because I had no one to go out with. I went to work, and then to class. AND I dropped my birthday cake on the ground. Thankfully there was a lid on it but the icing completely fell off the cake and stuck to the lid. My mom even forgot the same birthday tradition we've been doing since I was little. It was the saddest thing ever. So I went to class, all mopey with bad looking cake and in the parking lot, my friend Eric showed up and offered to help me carry the cake in. So I did and I told him about my day and he said "You are not staying home tonight! No way!" And normally I'd be like, "No, it's okay, my plan was to stay home, it's fine." but instead I said "Ok! Let's go out. I'll see what everyone else in class is doing tonight." So I did and all of the sudden a handful of people and me (and of course Ali who I drag with me everywhere) went downtown. We started at Anodyne which I really enjoyed...very chill, where we talked and played pool (or attempted....oh i'm so bad). Then, I guess I"d been talking about dancing a lot so then everyone said we had to move on the a dancey kinda place, and even though I protested, not wanting the thirty-somethings that were there to have a lousy time, that's what we ended up doing. Hehe, and on the way there, I was walking with Aaron and all of the sudden he reaches up into a tree and pulls out a stray balloon and says "Happy Birthday." It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. So me, my friends, and my balloon went to some place..dont' know what it's called, and danced for awhile, but I thought it was fucking hot, and kinda tacky, so we didn't stay too long. Then, four of us (Me, Ali, Aaron, and his roomate Coyle) decided to hit the Frontier, where apparently everyone goes all the time, because I can never be there without knowing half the place. It was actually a pretty fun night, and thankfully, my birthday was saved.

Let's see, anything else?

Um, nope! Guess not!

Wait, yes. I went to a wine festival today with Ali and her family. It was pretty cool, we tried all sorts of crazy wines and ate lots of meat...don't ask, and listened to this really awesome band (very festive music..perfect for a festival!! a ha! i'm so lame!). I ended up buying a bottle of red wine for my parents (called Jemez Red, so it sounds like I know what it is...I don't really) and I bought a bottle of something for myself....should I tell you what I got? No, it's too lame....you really wanna know? Sigh, alright. I bought apple cider. Yeah, that's right, I bought the only bottle of stuff with no alcohol in it. What a loser. But it tasted better than anything else there!!!

Alright, see ya~

OMG two more things. I got to buy some very cool crap this week. I bought an IPOD mini, which I still dont have the correct software for, but I'm still excited, because I had it engraved. It says "Life is a Song, Love is the Music." AND it's pink! AH! AND I shopped at the White House/Black Market today. For someone who really only wears white and black anyway, it was quite the dream come true. I got a black halter dress that ties in two places in the back, though it mostly backless, and a little white...thing..it's like a half shirt that you tie in the front, you wear it over another shirt..anyway, it's linen and CUTE. And then Audrey Hepbern style sunglasses. But of course, dahling.

Ok really really now. Bye!

Benny, in response to my "I am a witch" shirt: "What exaclty makes you a witch?"
Me: "Well, I have special powers that let me get whatever I want."

I just made hundreds of dollars in 3 days of work...YEAH COLLEGE DEGREE

2005-06-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Started my new job on Wednesday. It's pretty cool. Actually, it's kinda disgusting, but the people are really nice and have this idea in their heads that I'm really smart or something...so that's neat. I get to play with the following bodily fluids/solids: blood, urine, sputum, semen, poop (it's more fun to say poop than "feces" or "stool", blech), peritoneal fluid, vaginal secretions, cerebrospinal fluid, and the fluid that surrounds the knee (don't know what that's called). I also get to see fungus of finger and toenails, and test catheter tubes for infectious agents. HOW LUCKY AM I? Just kidding.
So yeah, it's pretty nasty shit. I actually dry heaved on Friday and my trainer guy was like "Are you okay? Why don't you go get some water or something?" so I did, and walked around the building a little. You would not believe what can come out of a human. After that little "incident" my boss sat me down for a pep talk of sorts..it was weird, it was like he was disappointed in me for being grossed out. I kinda wanted to say "I'll get over it, and you should too." but I didn't. He's pretty nice anyway, and also impressed at my school achievements, so I'll let it slide this one time. Ha, right, he pays me, I'll kiss his ass if he wants.

Anyhoo....

What else, what else? I love my dog. She's small and a pain in the ass, and kind of a bitch, so we're a lot alike, cept I'm not that small. My mom says we look alike. I don't know if that's a compliment or not, but she says we have close to the same hair color and big, questioning brown eyes. I looked at her and said "Questioning?" with my big questioning eyes and she laughed.

Made my Dad breakfast this morning...it wasn't so great though cause I can't even cook bacon right. God, it's pathetic, I'm such a loser of a chef. Someone help, please! Send Emeril my way if ya see him. Bam!

Wow, I'm in a random mood. EMT class is so friggin fun, I adore everyone in there. When I first started, I thought Oh God, these people are dumb, because I'm a BIG SNOB. But they aren't, most of them do a lot better than I do at the important stuff (actually going out to try to save someone in our practice runs). Just because I can get 98%s on all my written tests doesn't mean I'd make a better EMT than them. God, what a bitch! But enough knocking on my bitchiness, I love them. Amber talks to me about all her boy stuff, and how she's so happy to finally be engaged to the right one. Benny held my hand when I had to get my practice shot. Mark offers me food every time he has it, and money to buy food when he doesn't...says I need to eat. Josh, as the other university type student, talks to me about college and we laugh at stupid things, like dorm life. Karalyn says, almost every time I talk to her how she thinks I should go first on the next task because I'm "so good at everything!". Aaron is just, like, my new best friend, as I talk to him about anything and everything every time there's an oppurtunity, and we crack each other up so much that neither one of us can breathe. I mean, c'mon. I'm in a class of saints. It's been the best part of my summer so far.

And besides that, there isn't much going on. Still trying to make new friends because I want to have an amazing social life (not QUITE there yet...heh..) and not act 32 when I'm only 22 (well, in a few days, anyway). Trying to keep my head above water at work. Loving the dog. Reading a Jane Green book (the woman is amazing!). Going out to dinner tonight to a new restraunt (I love new resteraunts...who needs to cook? And by the way, how the hell do you spell restraunt/resteraunt/restrauuuuuuunnnnnt, eh, I don't know). Things are good!

Oh yeah, and one more thing--NAUers--I miss you so much. It really doesn't get easier to be away from ya'll. ~Love love love~

Part of Rascal Flatt's "When the Sand Runs Out"

2005-06-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna stop lookin' back, and start movin' on,
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart
And make my mark
I wanna leave somethin' here
Go out on a ledge without any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be runnin' when the sand runs out.

Ok this is just funny~

2005-06-11T16:05:00.000-07:00

Alright, so today, I was at Starbucks, doin my homework and I finished a lot sooner than I thought I would, so I decided to take a drive, which I do often when I'm feeling contemplative and not in the mood to go home. I'm breezin along down Tramway listening to my amazing new Rascal Flatts CD (which I swear, these guys wrote for me. It's so fitting to every feeling I've ever had, especially ones of late) and I am stopped at a light when all of the sudden I see a herse ( I can't spell, but you know, one of those cars that carries coffins) turning the corner. The thing is going so fast that when it turns around the corner it (I kid you not) screeches and goes up on two wheels! A herse! Have you ever seen one of those drive faster than, like 10 mph? Especially around corners! So here I am picturing this dead person bouncing around back in there and the coffin popping open and I'm about to lose it, I'm laughing so hard. Is that sick? Well, anyway, I thought I'd share.

Freakin rick and his freakin blog things

2005-06-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

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My life is rated R.
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Life is good

2005-06-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

So honestly, I really should have written this yesterday, when I felt AMAZING because today was....well, less amazing. But nonetheless, I'll try to remember the greatness that was yesterday, and share it with you. Because a happy blog is much more fun anyway.
Yesterday, 8:25 a.m. My hair looks like shit. No, really. Absolute shit. And in 5 minutes I have to leave for a job interview. My suit looked great, my makeup and skin flawless, my energy good, my hair.....shit. What is it about hair and timing? Today it looks great. Anyway...
8:50 a.m. I arrive at SED Medical Labs and am about to say hello to the receptionist when she says "Hi, are you Erynn?" Taken aback, I said "Why, yes I am." and she said, "Oh good. John is waiting for you." and I said "Oh, I'm sorry, am I late?" which, I know I'm not and she says "Oh, no, he's just really looking forward to meeting you. I'll tell him you're here." !!!!!!
Crazy, eh?
So I have a 45 minute interview filled with some reeeally hard questions: "How will you bridge the gap between Lovelace employees and SED employes, due to the recent merge?" to fun ones "Do you like music?" um, let me think, YES. After all this, he asks if I'd like a tour of the lab. Abso-friggin-lutely. So he shows me all this AMAZING equipment. Gram stains? No more, there's a machine. PCR? No prob, there's thermocyclers on every bench. Here's the TB lab, there's virology, chem's over here, and here is MICROBIOLOGY. Ah, a beautiful thing.
So, 9:55 a.m.: Said goodbye to my new buddy, John, and he told me that they'd let me know next week because they had two more interviews to do for the same position, which, by the way is Microbiology Technician.
10:03 a.m. Driving along, minding my business, when all of the sudden...fucking cop in the street corner waves me to pull over. I do, he walks up to my window and says "Ma'am" (why do police officers always say Ma'am? I'm not even 22 yet. I'm a Miss, goddammit), anyway, says "Ma'am, I clocked you going 10 mph over the speed limit, and I'm writing you a ticket." WTF. I was like if this is a sign..oh this had better not be a sign. So I got a fucking ticket and now get to go to court and traffic school. ERG.
3:00 p.m. Wake up from a beautiful nap to drive back to SED (a different route this time, fricken cop...) to drop off some needed paperwork. Then, drove to Hastings to (go figure) rent a movie--Beyond the Sea (LOVED it, but if you don't like musicals, stay away), and buy a couple of books on Mini Pins. On my way home I was at a stop light and for some reason decided to look over at the car next to me (which i NEVER do because young women should never do it unless they want to get cat called) and on the side of it it said "SED Medical Labs." Now THAT is a better sign. And then I looked in my rearview mirror and lo and behold, a cop is sitting behind me. At this point I realized I didn't want to see any more SED stuff today for fear of seeing another cop soon after.
5:15 p.m. Go to check if cell phone rang. 2 voicemails. Sweet. Ali called, as well as JOHN that INTERVIEWED me. He said to please call his cell phone right away...........

Guess who was hired? The same day. A ha ha! It was fantastic. It was exactly the kind of job I was looking for. He said I was very impressive in my interview and they decided not to interview the other two candidates anymore. WHOO!
7:30 p.m. My mom, brother and I took our beautiful new baby girl (puppy) for a walk. The sun was setting, the air was perfect, the dog was flippin cute....and I finally have a job. Oh, with great hours and good, to say the least, pay. Hooray for being able to afford stuff.
8:00 p.m. My mom says "Oh my God...." in a tone you don't know how to take. I ask her "What's wrong?" and she says "Nothing....come here..." so I do and she's reading something she got in the mail. It's the results from her most recent bone density scan. She went from having osteoporosis to osteopenia. She's doubled her bone strength and mass. DOUBLED. By doing all the work she has on it and exercising like crazy, she's getting better! She was crying because she was so scared to get the results back. It was wonderful.
Later that night (I don't know what time), I watched Beyond the Sea with my dog, who is currently sitting on my lap and looking at me adoringly. And then I went to bed, and dreamt of microscopes and puppies, and looking at puppies under microscopes...ok, not that last one, but it was just fun to say.
Ok, I have to take the dog out and see if she poops....ah, what a beautiful life.
Night~

Alana Davis, "Crazy"

2005-06-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

You've got your home of the brave and I've got my land of the free
You conform to what society says and I conform to me
Looking for light in the corners getting caught in the spider web
You look at me as if I'm giving a performance when I'm just feeding my head
And you know that I'm doing all right
And I won't explain myself to you just to avoid a fight
How I'm living ain't correct but for me it's just right

I'm not completely insane, I'm maybe just a little bit crazy
There's no one to blame, got no shame about game
Don't want nobody to save me

I've got a pair of ruby slippers that I don't wear much anymore
And if I had the nerve I'd click my heels and return
To the wonderland I knew before
I'm waiting to slow boat to China, want to sail away to the sun
I've been searching for myself and I know I'm gonna find her if I break away from everyone
So the way that i act may not fit in
Just because I've got a mind of my own doesn't mean it's a sin
I don't ask you to give up; don't expect me to give in

'Cause I'm not completely insane, I'm maybe just a little bit crazy
there's no one to blame, got no shame about my game
Don't want nobody to save me

Some like to live for the moment taking life into their own hands every day
And if they don't get killed they get so high off the thrill
They could float to heaven anyway
You can tell by the expression I wear
Though I seem a little strange to you ,I don't really care
I got the freedom to be and there are others like me everywhere...

Update

2005-06-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

So. What's new....
Tomorrow my family is getting their first ever puppy. She is a miniature pinshure named Lucy (though we may change it, already having had a bunny named Lucy, it just feels disloyal) and she is adorable. Chocolate brown and tiny with big brown eyes...she gets those from me. I'm really excited. Anyone that knows me knows that I get along with animals much better than people. They don't ask questions, or act rude, or forget about you. They are just loyal, loving creatures. I really dislike people, especially these days. So Lucy will be a good addition to my life, and my family's.
I also have a job interview on Tuesday, for the exact job I have had in my head for months. I'm just praying it goes well. I bought two suits, black heels, and have already practiced. Oh please let it go well. I need something to go well.
I made a new friend last night. It's kinda strange to have someone you don't know IM you and then go on to talk for like 4 hours, but that's what happened. Rick, you have good friends. Gustavo, you're pretty fun, I hope there's another night when we're both bored off our asses. =) So that was nice. Most of my friends are too far away to hang out with and everyone else is either too busy or just plain pissing me off. It makes for very lonely times. God I need a job. New faces. New people.
As for the update part, that's about it. I'm just trying to survive, one day at a time. It's hard to go from being loved and well known and having people call me to hang out to being the one everyone is sick of and wants nothing to do with. It's annoying to think that the best of me is already in the past. I am just having the hardest time feeling like I'm ever going to be anything worthwhile.
Blech, enough of this sorry for myself routine. I'm going to go run, or at least walk really fast. =) Love to those who still give a shit--you're not who I would've expected, but I appreciate it immensely.

As an aside--Bewitched comes out on my birthday (the 24th)! It's going to be amazing! Go see it!

I need to start getting up earlier and not taking naps, so I could be sleeping right now instead of doing this.

2005-05-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

Bold=Have done
Italics=Would like to do
Plain Text=Have not done and do not want to do

01. Buy everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swim with wild dolphins
03. Climb a mountain
04. Take a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Seen the Pyramids at night
06. Hold a tarantula
07. Take a candlelit bath with someone
08. Say 'I love you' and mean it
09. Hug a tree
10. Do a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visit Paris
13. Watch a lightning storm at sea
14. Stay up all night long, and watch the sun rise.
15. Seen the Northern Lights (depends...I've seen a version of the NL....=), but not the ones you're talking about..)
16. Go to a huge sports game - football, rugby, baseball, etc.
17. Create your own masterpiece
18. Grow and eat your own vegetables
19. Touch an iceberg
20. Sleep under the stars
21. Change a baby's nappy/diaper
22. Take a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watch a meteor shower
24. Get drunk on champagne
25. Give more than you can afford to charity
26. Look up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Have an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment ...all the time.
28. Have a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Take a sick day when you're not ill
31. Ask a stranger out
32. Have a snowball fight
33. Photocopy your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Scream as loudly as you possibly can
35. Hold a lamb
36. Enact a favorite fantasy
37. Take a midnight skinny dip
38. Take an ice cold bath
39. Have a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. See a total eclipse
41. Ride a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Dance like a fool and not care who's looking
45. Adopt an accent for an entire day --k, not an entire day, but long enough to count.
46. Visit the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually feel happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Have two hard drives for your computer
49. Visit all 50 states
50. Loved your job
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Have amazing friends (if i could bold it more, i would)
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Swim during a formal --how fun would that be?
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpack in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Nose piercing--yeah, actually. But I won't.
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visit Ireland
64. Fell in love then fell harder and faster from heartbreak
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had lunch/dinner with them
66. Visit and/or tour Japan
67. Benchpress your own weight
68. Stolen from your parents
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sang karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of a room full of strangers
74. Dressed sexy for no reason
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it...
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites around the Mediterranean
87. Taken karate
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. LARPed --I don't know what this is.
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Find that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Blazed it up at Burning Man
105. Gotten flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Gotten so drunk you don't remember anything--nope, for some reason, always still have my memory, even if i'm shitfaced.
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed onstage with a famous symphony orchestra
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one night stand--kinda.
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Saw Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried your father
119. Had your pubic hair waxed off--lord no, there are better ways!
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Speak more than one language fluently
122. Worn see-through clothes in public
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour I'd follow John anywhere.
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars--it'd be better if someone else named one for me though.
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congressman
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once?
135. Run the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you know someone is looking
137. Had an abortion, or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Flown an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job you loved.
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Had a threesome or moresome
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing--fear of flying...this is virtually impossible.
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of two consecutive days
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Maintained 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read the Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read, just to see what all the fuss was about
182. Dined in a restaurant and stole silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them...
183. ...and got 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts.
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own Role Playing Game
200: Been arrested

Alright, I'll try to sleep now considering that was boring as all hell.

It's about damn time I had some fun.

2005-05-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm not depressed anymore!

Well, it took me two weeks, but I'm finally out of the I just graduated college slump. Ali invited me to her cousin's graduation party last night and I had a lot of fun, AND I was actually social. I thought I'd forgotten how. Maybe the couple of drinks helped, hmm...anyway. My cousin was there too since she was in town, but she's kiiiiiiiind of a shithead, so that part wasn't too fun. But I got to drop her off at my house around 12:30 leaving her to spend the entire night (or at least till 5am) crying on the phone to her 35 year old boyfriend (she's 21...can anyone say ick?). We played in the park, and went to IHOP...you know, the usuals, for ABQ that is. Do you know how many people you'll recognize at that damn IHOP from high school at 2am? A lot, let me tell you. They come out of the woodwork.
Hmm, so fun party, yay. Thanks for inviting me Ali! Oh, and Peter and Jeff are pretty funny dudes...actually pretty damn funny dudes. I enjoyed their company immensely.
Also had dinner to celebrate my other cousin's high school graduation/exit from drug rehab...yes, I know it sounds kinda white trash, but we are very proud of him for his accomplishments. It's not his fault he grew up in a very broken home. I just hope he does well and stays away from all the shit he was doing before. He's so smart and fun and good looking and I just hope he knows that and uses it for good. And, bonus, I actually had fun at the family dinner which doesn't always happen, ESPECIALLY when I sit right across from Shirley (my stepgrandmother). But it was lovely. Kinda weird though, we all talked about past drunken experiences...me, my mom, my stepaunt Julie, and even Shirley talked about one time when she was so sick from a drinking contest that she threw up in her coat sleeve....I almost wet myself. I mean, this woman is just like....proper, proper, proper. Ralphing in a coat sleeve? Oh no no no no no. It was awesome.
Still no job. Granted, I just put out apps last week, but it'd be nice to get a phone call. Towards the end of this upcoming week, if I haven't heard anything, I'm going to have to apply for crap jobs to a)make money b)get myself up in the morning and out of the house and c)to keep my mind busy, because it doesn't have enough to think about and therefore thinks about things it shouldn't. I just can't wait for the day in the near future when I'm working at, oh, I don't know, Hastings or something and someone I hated in high school will come in and rub it in my face...ok, that probably wouldn't happen, but it's still kinda demoralizing.
So. Life is good. Boring, and hot, but good. god it's hot here......I get cleavage and underboob sweat! seriously! it's horrendous!
wow, and I've said too much. G'bye!

A Practical, Non-melodramatic, Normal Blog for your reading pleasure.

2005-05-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

Hi friend blog!
How goes it? Thought I'd update you on all the stuff going on in the world-o-Erynn.
Let's see, we'll get it out of the way, yes, Kevin and I have split. It's a very good thing. Normally I don't feel relieved after ending relationships; actually, I ususally feel very shitty about it. But this time it was like Oh good, now I can not have to worry about that. He was okay with it too, making me think he was having the same thoughts anyway. It's just no fun to be in a lukewarm relationship.
Moving right along. I have so far applied to two companies, TriCore labs and Lovelace Respiratory Research Institute. I hope I get calls from either one, but if not, I'm also applying to SED labs and several hospitals. I'm just like please please please please...I NEED A REAL JOB. I NEED MONEY. So that's kinda exciting, and weird to be applying to a "Big girl job" as my Ma says. Haha.
Umm...oooo, so I asked a couple of people to be referances for these jobs, by email, and I got back two very affirmative answers yesterday. The really cool one was that from Dr. Pierotti...he's the one that in previous blogs has been referred to as my mentor, among other things (nothing weird, just student teacher stuff). He said THE nicest things in this email! It was like Any time you ever need a reference for anything, you needent even ask, just put my name down and here's my home phone number so they can reach me easily.
Then he went off on this thing about how it's sad to see all of us graduate but that it's exciting to know we're going to go out and make our mark on the world....I was ready to cry! And then he said "I won't let you forget me...and enough with the Dr. Pierotti stuff. When are you gonna start calling me Dave?" I was floored. How cool is that?? Some people really know just what to say and do to make you feel very special. So anyway, I was all excited.
What else.. Well I'm pretty bored at this point but I'm feelin kinda leachy to the friends that I still do have in ABQ, so I've decided to not call them for awhile. I don't want to be that annoying person that no one wants around but feels bad for. I don't like that person. But I'm not COMPLETELY bored because I do have EMT classes 3 days a week which is surprisingly kinda awesome. I mean, I thought it would be easy, and so far it is (100% on my first test, baby!), but I didn't know it would be fun. The people in there are like amazingly nice. They're not to the point of friends yet, I mean, I wouldn't ask any of them to go do something, but I actually feel comfortable being myself around them after only a week and a half. That is very weird for me. Very. So either I'm becoming less and less of a social retard (oh please god PLEASE) or they are just really very easy to get along with. Maybe its' a little of both.
Oh yeah, and something else before I forget. James Rozzoni is my hero. =) I was freaking out the other day and he did just the right thing to get me to shut up about it, so thanks Jamie for being such a wonderful friend, and for having the abilit to shut me up (a very big deal, indeed!).
Hmm...let's see, anything else? EMT, nice email, job stuff....yeah...hmm..
OOH! So I finally saw the Phantom of the Opera movie (it's really sad, and I hate admitting this, but I didn't even know the storyline before today, watching the movie...I know, I know, I love musicals and consider myself semi-cultured when it comes to those things, but I just never saw it). But it was such a beautiful movie. I kinda wanted to slap the lead actress in the face though. Just kinda. Cause besides her amazing voice, she kinda sucked at acting. But the guy who played the phantom was incredible and the set was gorgeous and the music was spectacular...and then the end...oh, so sad. Poor phantom. Poor outcast dude. I was like, I'll stay with you even though you're a freak! You need someone! And the bad actress bitch is abandoning you for Mr. Pretty Boy. Oh well. Isn't that the way it always is?
Ok, that's about it. Today was kind of a day off from life and reality. Tomorrow I'm back to it. Back to class, and the job search, etc etc.
Night Blog! Love you! (I don't know.....)

WANTED: Young Man, Single and Free

2005-05-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

Well...So much for that.

Yeah, I'm really this bored. But if you read it, you're worse off than I am.

2005-05-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

THREE YEARS AGO, I...
1. Had just finished my first year of college
2. Was back in ABQ, and for the first time since graduating high school, unhappy to be.
3. Was falling for someone.

ONE YEAR AGO, I...
1. Was getting ready for my summer job in Flag
2. Was excited about being a senior in the fall
3. Was happy with how many awesome people were in my life.

THIS YEAR, I...
1. Found a mentor.
2. Taught. In many ways.
3. Had a first semester that kicked my ass, and a second semester whose ass I kicked.

YESTERDAY, I...
1. Went to the mall with Ali
2. Perfected my resume
3. Watched an amazing movie (The Motorcycle Diaries).

TODAY, I...
1. Got a lot of shit done while enjoying a nice lemonade iced tea at Starbucks
2. Watched a strange but cute Irish film.
3. Cried.

I LOVE
1. The simple things in life
2. My family
3. Chocolate. Honestly. Love it.

THREE SONGS I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO ARE...
1. "Crazy" Patsy Cline
2. "Joy to the World" Three Dog Night
3. "Across the Universe" The Beatles

TOP THREE LOCATIONS I'D LIKE TO RUN AWAY TO ARE...
1. Italy
2. England
3. Austrailia

Your Life ___
they call me: Erynn, Eek, or Tela
sex: soon, I hope. No, um, female.
my first breath of air: June 24, 1983
age: 22 (almost)
status: not sure. taken, but unhappy and confused.
music: don't know what you're asking...type of music? all types I suppose, except ghetto rap and twangy country
craving: sex. and chocolate. maybe together.
thinking of: people. all sorts of em.
hating: feeling so unbelievably lonely

_____LOVE? _____

love is: something that I can't manage to figure out. A very confusing feeling, indeed.
first love: besides cherry tomatoes? a boy in high school
current love: I don't know. A VERY confusing feeling, INDEED. Not my boyfriend, though. (eep, that's a dangerous statement to make public....)
love or lust?: usually love, but right now I could use a good lusting. is that a word?
best love song: I still think You're Body is a Wonderland is amazing. But I'm partial to John. Also, see next blog down to read another one of his incredible love songs.
is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person @ the same time?: I think it is, but if you are, you don't love either one enough.

true or false -

all you need is love: false. I need more. Like consistency, reliability, thoughtfullness, creativity, foreplay, genuine niceness, the ability to laugh at oneself, and a pet. but the pet has nothing to do with the relationship part, I just really want one.
have you ever been in love?: oh, thousands of times. (actually, really, I'd go with 3 times).
is there such thing as love @ first sight?: um....no. It's bullshit.

______SEX ______
turn ons: hrm...god, it's been awhile. Playfullness. Slow, wet kisses. Coming up behind someone and putting your arms around their waste. Sucking on fingers. Biting lips in the middle of hot and heavy making out. Whew, is it getting hot in here? Showers. Rain. Ok, enough is enough.
turn offs: being selfish, too much tongue, too little tongue (talking kissing here, you think I would tell you about THAT?), laziness, not taking charge every so often.
the sweetest thing someone can do for you?: Just be considerate. Call when you say you will. Act interested even when I'm talking about shit you don't care about. When you know I've dressed up, or cut my hair or something, tell me it looks great, or I look pretty. Random surprises go a long way. I'm pretty simple, really, but very few people have actually seen that.

____PICKY PICKY ____
dog or cat: ya know, usually I'd say dog but after living with a cat for 9 months, it's a tough call.
short or long hair: on guys, please short. but not tooo short. on girls, I think short hair is fun, but long hair is pretty if well managed.
sunshine or rain: rain. RAIN HERE DAMMIT, IT'S SO HOT.
moon or sun: moon. that sings opera songs.
basketball or football: all about the b-ball, unless it's a Steelers game (Go Pittsburg)
righty or lefty: righty, leftys die first anyway. it's a fact.
hugs or kisses: depends. hugs with just about everyone in every situation, but I'm all about the kisses with the significant other.
1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: 1 best friend
bf/gf or best friend: boyfriend that is my best friend sounds good to me
tv or radio: tough call...i guess tv. unless in the car, then radio...hehe, tv in the car is probably not a good idea anyway.
summer or winter: summer in Flag
written letters or e-mails: written, but it's a lost art. I'd kill for a written long letter.
playstation or nintendo: nintendo! puhlease, like there is anything else.
disney or nickelodeon: disney, though I do love the nick at night reruns
car or motorcycle: motorcycles suck. so car. =)
house party or club: club, once a dancer, always a dancer
sing or dance: BOTH! In a MUSICAL!
yahoo messenger or aim: AIM
google or ask jeeves?: google

____MISCELLANEOUS ____

what are you scared of?: totally irrational, but being murdered in my own home. every time I hear a noise or see a shadow, I imagine my throat getting slashed. Is that weird? a few people have said I"m quirky...hopefully this falls under that.
what is your greatest accomplishment?: thus far? I suppose graduating college with a mighty fine GPA and lotsa great experiences.
last doctor visit: Couple of months ago!!! (Not recently! How great is that???)
last phone call: Kevin. For 15 minutes....sigh.

_____Number _____

of times you've been in love? see above (3)
of boys you have kissed? um...i'm kinda embarrassed....(my friends dont' call me the kissing whore for nothing...) 15. Is that bad? That's not so bad, for being almost 22...is it?
of times your name has appeared in a newspaper? I think around 5.
of scars on your body?: ........lots.
of things in your past you regret? yeah. how many? um...maybe 2 or 3. we'll say 3.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE:

pretty? mmhmm, I like to think so.
hot? not particularily. I had a talk once about hot vs. cute. For the most part, I'm... cute.
friendly? more so these days than I used to be. Maybe it comes with age. Or being away from LC high.
ugly? sometimes.
loveable? I used to think so...
caring? for the most part, yeah.
sweet? again, for the most part, but I have my bitter days.
dorky? god yes. it gets worse every day.

FAVORITE:

least favorite day: day? Wednesday. It's just kinda blah, no good tv, etc. But otherwise...hmm...the days when I can't shake the nagging depresso voice in the back of my head that tells me to do stupid things (i.e. drink a lot, or spend time with people I know are bad for me)
flower: used to be sunflower, but then, see, you tell people that and then they buy you nothing but sunflower stuff for years. So.....let's try a new one. Fire and ice roses.
jewelry: my new horseshoe necklace rocks my socks. Thanks mom and dad!
season: summer in Flag, or spring for hotter places. or late summer in ABQ, when you get all the rain.

PERSON WHO LAST:

slept in your bed: just me. and snoopy. and my sheep.... baaaaa.
saw you cry: Ma. She's seen a lot of it this past week, poor thing.
sent you an email: I can't remember. Oh, how sad. I think it was Southwest confirming my flight to Phoenix in a couple of weeks.

HAVE YOU EVER:

said i love you and meant it? my, this survey is redundant. yes, yes I have.
went out in public in pjs? yahuh!
put on real clothes for an 8am class? usually, I like to look nice at school at least in the morning before it gets too exhausting to keep up, midway through the day.
kept a secret from everyone? not my own, I'm very open. But I'm currently keeping a secret for a good friend of mine in Flag, until he tells me I can blab it.
been to new york? only when I was little. I don't remember. And I lived in freakin Jersey.
to california? several times. and have never once said My, what a lovely state. I'm just not that impressed.

WHEN/ WHAT WAS:

last cry: an hour ago
last book read: 10 Things I Wish I'd Known Before Entering the Real World by Maria Shriver. It was cute, but what does she know, she married a Republican. =)
last phone call: Kev.
last tv show: a few mins of Seinfeld.
last thing in your past you regret? introducing my entire extended family to Kevin. Risky, risky.
showered: today around 1pm.
last shoes worn: turquoise old navy flip flops
last cd played: The Life Aquatic Soundtrack, the David Bowie song at the end is super fun.
last thing written: this stupid shit. other than that....EMT homework. oh wait, no thank you cards. yeah. thank you cards.
last word spoken: Bye
last IM: James, last night.
last sexual fantasy: I've given up sexual fantasies. I'm becoming a nun.
last ice cream eaten: peach sorbet a couple of days ago.

Wow, that took up lots of time. Nifty.

John Mayer is a GOD

2005-05-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

Staying home alone on a fridayFlat on the floor looking backOn old loveOr lack thereofAfter all the crushes are fadedAnd all my wishful thinking was wrongI’m jadedI hate itI’m tired of being aloneSo hurry up and get hereSo tired of being aloneSo hurry up and get hereSearching all my days just to find youI’m not sure who I’m looking forI’ll know itWhen I see youUntil then, I’ll hide in my bedroomStaying up all night just to writeA love song for no oneI’m tired of being aloneSo hurry up and get hereSo tired of being aloneSo hurry up and get hereI could have met you in a sandboxI could have passed you on the sidewalkCould I have missed my chanceAnd watched you walk away? I could have met you in a sandboxI could have passed you on the sidewalkCould I have missed my chanceAnd watched you walk away? I’m tired of being aloneSo hurry up and get hereSo tired of being aloneSo hurry up and get hereYou’ll be so goodYou’ll be so good for me

--John, Love Song for No One

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.....

2005-05-21T23:40:00.000-07:00

Does anyone actually read these things? Well, I'm kinda sorry for ya if you do, because I bitch in them a lot. But it's kind of a release, so I suppose it's helpful to bitch sometimes.
So....been here almost a week. I've eaten a lot of chocolate. a LOT. And I'm technically not even allowed to touch the stuff. It's not that I'm depressed, it's just....well, no, it is. I'm depressed. Time for Prozac. Ok, not that bad, but more chocolate please.
See, here's the thing. For me, ABQ=rut. I don't want it to, but it does. It's the same faces, same places, same feeling like I'm anywhere between 15 and 18...same same same. Blah blah blah. So I'm trying to be all outgoing in my EMT class, which is kinda working, but I also have these feelings that they hate me because I'm beautiful. Just kidding. No, but they kinda act resentful because I have a degree. So hopefully that'll go away sometime. Oo, I was examining (like, physical examination) this one reeeeealy large girl yesterday and she totally let this enormous fart slip out that like shook the room. Hehe, thought I'd share.
But back to my problems. Haha. The other thing, besides having no idea what direction my life is going in, is that I'm not so sure about my current boyfriend. He's really special in a lot of ways, like his sense of humor is amazing, he was an Army Ranger for 4 years, which if fuckin cool, (even though he's almost killed me twice now...anyway, if you want to know just ask) and his playfullness is actually right up there with mine, which is like insane. When we're both happy, it's great. We have a lot of fun. But that's all it is...fun. And when it's bad...oh, it's really bad. He's a fighter. I'm a fighter. We're like FUCK YOU, no, FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!! So that's kinda wild. We both pace, red faced and fuming...I mean, sometimes I think I want fights like that, but after having them...shit. Crazy. Already had a couple screaming matches...both of my parents says he doesn't treat me well. And they usually butt out too so I don't know if that's such a good sign. Though, honestly (and this is really sad) I don't remember what it's like to be treated well. Not truly well. I know I have been once upon a time, but lately, I feel like just about every guy I attract treats me like dirt, intentionally or otherwise. Maybe I just provoke it, I don't know. (whoa...listening to the radio and all of the sudden I'm dancing on the bar at San Felipe's again...music does something to the brain that nothing else can..). Anyway. Back to Kevin. I, for the first time in ANY relationship I've been in, am much less experienced with just about everything than he is. Wow, is it difficult. It's like, here let me show you how relationships work, little girl. And I want to learn, I do, but honestly, I think sometimes he's kinda full of shit.
OK, I'm stopping now cause I'm rambling. Back to focused thoughts.
The main big everything problem is that I'm doubting this relationship a LOT, but I want to see where it goes, though that's really hard to do when you live really far apart and don't have any concrete plans on when you're gonna spend time together. And while these doubts creep in, other thoughts and memories (ABQ ones) are creeping in as well. God, it's bad. Practically every few minutes I have to remind myself of why those thoughts and memories cannot be there. It's exhausting really. It's really hard to close chapters in your life that were written in the same city you live in now.
Know what's cool though? I finsihed FINALLY my resume today and it's amazing. Anyone who wouldn't hire me is a big jerkoff. I've been working on that thing for months. So anyway, as of Monday, I'm beginning to apply for jobs. Real jobs! Where you make money! Ahh! That's kinda nifty-keen, jellybean.
Ok, I'm a BIG NERD.
So just so ya'll don't think I'm a huge loser and am only depressed over a guy (or 2), there are actual real problems/stuff I have on my mind too which weighs a little heavier. There's the fear of never finding a job/figuruing out if I want to go to med school/if I don't want to go what the hell am I going to do thought. There's the oh my LORD do I miss my Flagstaff friends. I hate not going to Dr. Leid's class in the morning and seeing my girls. I hate not waking up in my old, crappy house with a broken EVERYTHING because it had my awesome roomates and my surro-cat. My Cleo. My baby. =) Aw....ok, no, stop missing the damn cat. I just hate not breathing fucking clean air and seeing green trees, and grass and shit. Nature...I always thought it was overrated until I was pulled out of it. UUGGH. When will it go away? When do you start feeling like home is your home again? Do you ever? Like they say in Garden State, is home just the place you throw your shit? Or does it actually mean something?
Then there's the actual probelm of my brother, who has taken on the new habit of beating women. I kid you not. For anyone who doesn't know, no, my brother should not be locked up; he doesn't know what he's doing since he is autistic. But I have been injured twice this week my him (one pinched nerve in my hand, once pushed so hard I fell on a table and luckily caught myself, but still fell hard on my wrist) and my mom has been hurt countless times. My family is like either sitting around crying cause it's so taxing, or cracking up, just to avoid more crying. I'm just hoping and praying that whatever is wrong with my brother works itself out, because w'ere all gonna end up in wheelchairs otherwise.
Whew, this is just a lot....ok, good stuff....
There's a good song on right now (Tracy Chapman song, I'm sittin here groovin). My skin is looking awesome. Someone in EMT class said they wanna study with me, based on the fact I'm answering all sorts of questions right. I organized my closet and it's awesome. I bought cute AND practical shoes today. I have gotten to catch up with my mom and dad a lot this week, and with current new movies. There is another good song on now (Coldplay). Oo, they said they are coming to ABQ. Hmm...that'd be kinda awesome to go to. Hmm....
Alright. This thing is long enough. Night~

Sigh...and of course, ho hum.

2005-05-18T22:11:00.000-07:00

So here I am in ABQ. I've done everything to remain as busy as possible; however, there are just too many hours in the day to kill and although I am doing stuff throughout the hours, I can't help but shake the lonely, depressed feeling that is just kinda creeping inside me.
I miss you Flag people. I miss class where there are people smarter than me (I'm in EMT class now...I"m not bragging....I'm the smartest one in there), I miss friendly faces, I miss the ring of my cell phone (once in 3 days people...once), I miss being able to breathe clean air...damn it's smoggy here. I did catch a beautiful sunset tonight and thought Hey, this place isn't so bad, you grew up here, you've always loved it...but it's damn lonely! I've looked up like 5 people I haven't talked to in ages, though I can't get any info on any of them, so that was unsucessful. Ahh! I need social interaction! Must...talk...over...coffee...see movie....anything... Wow I feel like a big loser. Anyway, please GOD call me cause damn, I have no friends anymore. And besides the lonliness that only goes away when I drown my sorrows in yet another Hastings movie rental, I also have this other thought that keeps irking me. It's kind of a I wish I could fix things once and for all in a certain situation, but I don't think I can this time. I think it's just unfixable. God, and if certain people only knew certain things....well, I might be able to fix it. It's irritating to be disliked for really no reason at all other than miscommunication. GAH. Bleh, I'm just talking out of my ass now. But on the plus side, I did graduate college. I didn't tell the blog about it yet, maybe I should. Basically, it was 4 days of family, friends, and food. Kevin and Ali are troopers; they put up with the family like 24 hours a day. The actual ceremony was boring, and our keynote speaker (the gov) decided to make her speech a campaign speech so that was fun. But we the micros made the ceremony awesome by wearing our cutely decorated hats and laughing and tearing up over stupid stuff. The most precious thing was looking up and seeing my grandfather use a hankie to wipe a tear from his eye....gotta love that. What else...well, Saturday night was the big fancy dinner...holy hell, was it good. I broke every rule in my diet and ate and drank myself silly (and veeeerrrrryyyy teary). My Dad gave a fun and lovely speech that addressed everyone at the table (cept Kev, who just seemed pretty dazed and confused the whole time). I got LOTS of presents, including a cash total of ~$1600, chocolates, a bath set, a hotel room for a Durango trip, and a TRIP TO HAWAII, the where, when, and who my choice. Ah, graduation. Tis a beautiful thing.
So yeah it was good times. Drove back to ABQ with ma tante (my aunt) who talked my ear off so I didn't have to bawl and listen to sad music (which was the original plan). Good times.
And now, I'm here...sitting...
Fuck it. I'll go start another movie.

Happy Birthday Kev~

Nostalgia

2005-05-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

So as tonight is my last night as an undergrad, I'm having all these feelings just rushing around, and I feel like it's a good time for a blog. My last final is tomorrow morning at 7:30. And it may just kill me being that its 15 chapters over transcription. Yeah, making RNA from DNA, that's right, 15 chapters worth of stuff on just that. My lord. But that's not what's on my mind. What's on my mind is how much I love NAU and how much I love Flagstaff, but most of all, how much I love all of you. Yes, even you. =) I just wanted to say I love you to the following (more specifics later when I have more time)-
To my classmates, especially my 4 fellow micro girls. (hehe M (Michelle) I (Katie) C (Me) R(Jen) O (Mara) ). You all are amazing, smart, wonderful people and I wouldn't be anywhere without you. They say to be smart you must surround yourself with smart people. Well, I'm pretty smart. =) So that says a lot about you all. And especially to you girls-I love you, and I can't wait till we're all doctors (and dentist).
To my g-spot (no, not MY g-spot, my girl group). Ah, remember how it all begin...mocking the "B-team" we came up with "G-spot." You girls are seriously the most fun people ever. I've never laughed as hard as cawfee nights with lots of tawking. No one else could get me to dance on the bar....twice...Thanks for being my best friends in Flagstaff.
To my roomies--We are all so different and thats what I love the best. You were great roomates. I don't know how good I was (ee, I was so bad about cleaning the damn kitchen) but you girls rocked. I'll miss you.
To the summer staff clan-My god, that was the BEST SUMMER OF MY LIFE. I am just remembering sitting behind the desk, throwing shit at each other and saying "We should reeealy go to bed...it's like 4am...we have to be up in 4 hours for the fucking staff meeting...why do you need a fucking red hat...PIZZA! That doesn't make man sense to me..." Etc etc. You 5 changed me forever, and for that, I love you.
Kev-No, I don't love you like that. =) But I do love you for making my last 2 months of college filled with adventure, excitement, laughter (oh my word, laughter), and good cooking wheat and dairy free (thank ya babe). I don't know what's going to happen being far apart, but I'm going to treasure all the time we had together, even if it was just a tiny bit.
Tri-Beta-ers-Ya'll are a bunch of nerds, like me. Thanks for making me feel right at home.
Mortar Boarders-You girls are so amazing, and talented, and strong. All of you are going to go so far in life. Thanks for being role models.
My profs-For helping, for patience, for understanding.
My remaining Burque friends-For still being my friend, years later. Who knows why you are, but thanks a lot, because you are the reason Albuquerque is still "home."
And finally..to my family. There are 3 different flights, 4 different cars (yes ali, you're family), and a total of 13 people coming to see me walk across that stage. I hope I've made you proud.

Well. If I forgot you, I'm sure I love you too. =)
Good night, sweet dreams, and congratulations graduates of 2005.

It's been awhile.

2005-05-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

Hi blog!
I've been quite busy, sorry i have not written anything as of late. It's true, yes, I have a new boyfriend, which is why I've been so busy, and it's even more true that, yes, I only have time to write in this thing now is because we are suffering through our first fight. I can't win.
I'm graduating college in less than a week. Where did the time go? It feels like yesterday my parents, brother, and Ali were all giving me hugs on the side of Reilly Hall as I was crying my eyes out, terrified by my new roomate (who turned out to be awesome, for clarification). And now it's over. 2 finals. 1 ceremony. 12 family members. Time spent in college--priceless. Well, turns out, rather pricey, but eh.
It's bittersweet. I'm kinda like WHOO HOO no more exams, no more webct, no more stupid people that I've wanted to get away from for four years now...but really, I'm just not ready. I'm not going to do well in the real world, because I, well, I live in a dream world. It's fluffy and pink and filled with money whenever I need it. And now I'm being thrust into a cold, dark lonely place called Adulthood. Dun dun duuuuuuuun.
Wow, for being in a terrible mood, I'm awfullly clever tonight.
Anyway, I hope I figure out what I want to do with my life pretty soon, cause if not, my mom and dad may just kill me. The doctor vs. family dilemma is an ongoing inner monologue thingie, and family is kinda winning. Which is annoying the crap outta me because I know I have "it" whatever it is, to be a damn good doctor. I just don't think I"m willing to give myself away to others so much so that I can't have my own life. It takes someone with "it" and an element of crazy, which I also have, but a different kind.
Blah blah blah, huh? What a wordy mo fo. Let's see, what else....
Well, my roomie has worse problems, she was in a car accident that totaled her car and her skin (shards of glass=owie). So wish her good happy quick recovery thoughts cause we love her and want her better as quick as possible.
Ok I think it's time for a shower and bed because I feel blue and think it's best to sleep off blue.
G'night~

=)

2005-04-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

With ten minutes to spare before I'm out the door again, I thought I'd write some random stuff in my bloggy blog blog blog.
I saw the cutest play last night--any NAU students--go see 1940s Radio Hour, it's adorable. It'll make you very smiley. There's one dude in it that can shake his ass 10 times better than me on my best day.
Had dinner at Charley's too. Or the Weatherford or whatever the hell that place is called, you know what I'm talking about. That was my second overpriced and not very good dinner from there; heads up--don't go there. But the company was good, so that's all that matters.
Know what's cool? Having two people be in crap moods and then come together and instead of taking it out on each other, making each other feel a lot better. In no time at all. I think that's kinda nifty, really.
Lake Mary is gorgeous at night. Last night it was flowing pretty fast and there was a full moon and a mist just settled right over the lake, and it was blissfully quiet. And it wasn't even that cold out, though sleeping bags do help with that. I'm really gonna miss this place. In about 3 weeks it'll be back to the shithole. Ok, no, I love ABQ, really, I just am bitter right now. I just got used to this being my home, so now I'm moving away from home all over again. This town, this school, this house, these people--they are my home. Leh, this blows. No more sad stuff.
I'm off to read to kids in the park. Maybe this sounds terrible, but I'm all serviced out. I have 2 club events today, and in total they will last 7 hours. 7 HOURS. I mean, honestly, think of all the things I could do that I actually want to in 7 hours. I know I signed up to be in the clubs, but I'm tired of this crap. For my last 3 weeks of college I'd like to be completely, totally, utterly selfish.
Besides today, so far so good. =)

Oh my God, could the last hour have BEEN more CONFUSING??

2005-04-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

Alright. I don't know if anyone reads these things, but I'm gonna pretend no one does and just write my little heart out. I'm sorry if I manage to hurt or offend anyone, but since this is my only journal and I'm fucking losing my mind right now, I need to write.
Honestly, what the fuck is up with time? Really. I'm gonna just say what's up. I've met someone. His name is Kevin. Here's the deal...this guy treats me like gold. He wants to take me out every day and I have to beg him not to sometimes because I know he has no more money than I do. He was in the Army for four years. He's 25. He hates Bush. He likes Moulin Rouge, Love Actually, and Alanis Morisette. I've seen him tear up at Finding Neverland. He's NOT GAY (sorry, but I've just dated too many). He's polite, he's got a dog which he treats like his own child, he's driven, smart, doesn't even watch TV, thinks I'm "sexy, yummy and rrrrr" and is able to pick me up and throw me around (in the good way). He is considerate of my feelings. He is a Zoology major and a chemistry minor. He will talk to anyone, and tells me everything he is thinking and feeling, which isn't always pleasant, but at least I know. HE FUCKING GREW UP IN MEDFORD NEW JERSEY (20 minutes from my original hometown, Marlton NJ). I mean, c'mon! Were a match made in Heaven. And guess the fuck what? I'M GOING TO BE BACK IN ABQ in less than a month. And his one flaw.....he doesn't believe in long distance relationships.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't believe in them so much either. I've had 2, both of which ended badly (one which managed to end badly twice, and again I apologize for saying all this, but I REALLY need to vent). But for Christ's sake, oppurtunities like this don't just come a'knocking every day. So, you'll never guess what I did tonight. Wait, if you dated me you will. That's right, I went and fucked it up. I got moody. I got needy. I HATE when I do that! I just have no desire to lose this person, and yet, that's the fastest way to do it. ANd yes, I know that. I mean honstly when am I going to stop sabatoging what is good in my life? Why do I continually believe I don't deserve happiness? Why doesn't he believe in long distance relationships?
And why. Tell me why. I get home after all that to have not one, but two very interesting and unexpected emails. One person I didnt expect to ever hear from again, and had actually adjusted to the idea. I can live without feeling the way I was made to feel. REALLY. But the second I read his words I hear his voice, I see it in his eyes, and I want to make it better. Which just didn't work the last time I tried. I wish we were different people, I wish it was possible. Man do I wish a lot today....I wish I knew what to say to him. I'm sure he's reading this.
UUUUUGH. And then, I get the most surprising thing of all. It's never expected when someone you've been friends with for years decides to tell you they're in love with you. I don't know what to say to that either. It was definetly a shocker. I'm so happy I was able to make someone feel the things described. I just don't know...I don't know. God, thank you so much for telling me; it made me feel amazing. And seriously confused at the same time.
Why now. With any of it. Why this week when I am stressing about everything (and, mind you, I do not stress anymore, it makes me physically ill, which I have been all week).
Wow. I don't even bitch like this anymore...what has happened? I feel like I'm back at 19 (a very nutty year indeed).
I guess after all the writing I thought I'd have some kind of closure. But there's nothing. It reminds me of that damn song "everything to everyone"....I just want to be that way, and I can't. I can't.
Ugh, enough venting. I have quite a busy day tomorrow.
I hope it's a happy one.

Oh, and btw. Today was a happy one. And the things in this that I wrote about...also happy for the most part (minus the moving away from new guy). I'm happy I heard from the people I did. They mean a lot to me and always will. I'll do my best to write back to them thoughtfully. I'm so sorry if this hurt feelings, it was not my intention. Sigh. Good night.

Life is funny (funny haha, not funny hmm)

2005-04-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

I know it happens to everyone. It's common. It's mundane, really. But why is it that when you're about to start a new chapter in your life so many things come into your life to make you rethink just about everything. In the last WEEK I have had new oppurtunities, fears, doubts, buckets of confidence, and sheer happiness thrown my way, and I don't even know what to do with it. I feel like I came into college knowing exactly what I wanted, and I'm leaving without a clue. But I'm happier and much more together than when I've got here. I've learned (finally) what kind of people are healthy for me to be around, and what kind are not.
This blog is going nowhere.
It's just all very confusing. Without all of these new oppurtunities, I'd feel much more calm, but not as energized and amazing.
This is vague huh? Well I taught last week which is the first big thing. I taught a class and I got a high I've never felt before, and then in this past week have been told by practically everyone in that class that I should go into teaching. I also got a paper back on a pathogen that I felt very confident about and thought I knew my shit and got a terrible grade on it. This does not make me feel too great about my ability to write, but more importantly, I've just gotten so comfortable being so good at the science stuff that I don't even remember if I like it anymore...the only time I felt like it was exciting though, was when I was sharing it with others. It's so weird.
Besides that, my "tumor" (haha, no, it wasn't a tumor, i'm being stupid) thing in my neck is actually shrinking. It's just an enlarged lymph node, but the last time I saw a dr. about it (2 weeks ago about) she said that she needed to see me again in a month if things didn't change (which is scary.) But things are a-changing, it's going AWAY. After.....4 months of persisting.
And then there's.....the other thing. I don't know how to feel about it besides really really good. But I'm not ready to tell the world yet. But wow. WOW.
So anyway, when you graduate,, let me know if you feel the same way. It's like life is just handing you the lemonade, instead of the lemons, and you're terribly confused as to what to do with it. =)
Bye

Hehehe

2005-04-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

I taught biology today. The teacher of the class I tutor for went out of town, so I did the lecture. It was amazing. I was so comfortable teaching!! And the students were so much fun, they responded to everything so well including all the dorky little extra things I brought to make it more interesting. Wow....I'm seriously kinda impressed with myself too. From someone who used to cling to her mama so tight and the sight of another human being's face would make her cry, it's a damn miracle I can speak in front of anyone, really, let alone an entire Bio 181 class. Ahh.
On another note, Mortar Board is made up of bitches. I've decided this, once and for all. There is a Queen Bitch, and then all her little worker bitches, ha, no pun intended. And I'm sick of it. I just hate it. Tonight we had new members come for the first time, and instead of just lightening up, just once, so that the new members didnt' have to see that we all hate each other, this girl decides to tell me what a shitty job I am doing in my job. When, by the way, I'm not. And I just bend over and take it because I don't want to let the new members see the hatred. But I was secretly invisioning her being eaten alive by a large bear while being stung by bees and burning and starving. And singed with a hot poker. By me. Muahaha.
Wow, that was kinda a gross image. Hmm.
What else. Well, I'm graduating soon, so that's INSANE, and I have no clue what I want to do with my life. Well, I guess I do, but I want it all at the same time and it's just not possible. See, I want nothing more than to become an osteopathic physician, but I just cannot see myself waiting until my 30s to get married and have children. It makes me crazy to think about starting my family life so late. So I've been researching some other career options, none of which sound remotely appealing. Fuck.
But as I said, I'm graduating, and everything is making me cry. Not like that's a stretch from the norm, but still, it's like about something now. I am just not ready to leave Flagstaff and all of these amazing people I've met (minus the Queen bitch). I mean, the thought of not waking up in the same house as these 3 girls I live with is awful because they are good for me. They don't let me be a hermit, which is helpful. And my school friends...I wouldn't even be smart without these people. I surrounded myself with these smart people, and in turn, a little rubbed off. Thankfully. Ugh. ugh ugh ugh. On the plus side, I get to have a few days where I get to see almost all my family at once and play and have fun and party and dress cute (yes, I look forward to that), and that's just going to be awesome.
K, well that's all that's new with me. Happy Birthdays this week to Naomi, Katie, and Stephanie! Ya'll are crazy firey Aries' and I love you!
And speaking of horoscopey things, I found this thing on our kitchen counter (i think it's amanda's) thats supposed to be about me (a Cancer). It's freakishly accurate. Anyways, bye!

"Highly empathic and sympathetic. Sensitive to criticism and has a fear of rejection. Because feelings run deep are considered intense and serious. View world primarily through feeling mode. Highly sensual, always deeply involved in their love relationship. Selective in choice of friends with intuitive sense for needs of others."

=(

2005-03-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

things that make you go hmmm

2005-03-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

Hmm. So two of my roomates (the two that are home besides me) have guys over right now. Why do I feel like such a loser? Oh right, cause I am. No, not really but god, what a spinster.
Hmm..Get this. Today my first class, the boring one, was cancelled. So I get there and have nothing to do so my friend Brian and I sit there for an hour and talk about lots of nothing. Which, btw, was awesome, Brian, you rock my socks. So then I just decide to go, randomly, and run into my friend Michelle, who starts talking to me about this paper we had to write. Well, we had a paper due yesterday AND one due today and I thought she was talking about yesterday's. She wasn't. So when I finally figured it out, I had a minor panic attack, cause my paper was at home, not finished, in my computer and I had all of 30 minutes to run home, fix it up, and run it back to school. Who has senioritis?? Yeah, me.
Hmm....I have had nothing but Ashlee Simpson songs in my head all day...cause Naomi let me burn the CD. Yeah, that's right, I like the CD. What's it to you? Turns out they're very dancy songs and I've been dancing myself through the day. Gotten some strange looks, but then again, that's normal, so yeppers. Yep yep yep.
Hrm.
Hmm..talked to my mama today.
Hmm...We had tapping for MB tonight. One more week down.
OOOO OOO BIG HMM. That class that I was gonna get to teach in April filling in for the teacher I tutor for, yeah, that's next week. April 5th. I'm like, terrified, but really excited too. EEEEE! I get to teach about the cell cycle (actually that really bores me but I don't care).
And, yeah, that's about it. Oh, my new favorite song is Mr. Brightside by The Killers. Have ya'll heard this thing? It's freakin awesome!!!

I just can't look its killing meAnd taking controlJealousy, turning saints into the seaSwimming through sick lullabiesChoking on your alibisBut it's just the price I payDestiny is calling meOpen up my eager eyes 'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

Isn't it weird when you haven't listened to a song in ages and then you do and it's exactly what you're feeling?

2005-03-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

Thank God for music and the release it brings us.

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang onto
keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

[Chorus:]how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

{Chorus]

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

[Chorus]

-Sarah McLachlan

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Isn't it weird when you haven't listened to a song in ages and then you do and it's exactly what you're feeling?

2005-03-28T13:28:00.000-08:00

I AM DRUNK-happy st. particks'.....wait...patrick's ...yeah.

2005-03-18T02:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been awhile since i've been so toasted. Wild. I was popular tonight. Way fuuuuuuun. I knew like everyone...perks of hbeing a senior. yeah senior. hey and this one dude that is like super cute that i've known a long time said to a friend of mine that he thought i was cute so that's freekin awesome beausee because last weekend i went out and ditn't get hit on once...the ego boost is rreally nice, i gotta say. wow, i gotta go to bed because i have class in the morning and then i'm driving home. yeah home. since all my othe rplans fell thru. but i get to hang out with my bff (haha, remember those best firend necklaces, we had those) who has mono which will be awesome even though she'll be asleep.
night night, sleep tight, happy spring break ya'll. unless you already had it. then SUCKER!!! You done, and I'm on break now.
Wow, I'm an annoying drunk. Cant wait to read this sometime. hehe.

What a day

2005-03-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

My mom put it best "Mercury must be in fucking retrograde." We, the people, are stressed the fuck out this week. The world is slanted or something but I just hope it starts to unslant because the strong emotions and shitty shit that keeps happening has got to end. I just want to say that I love the people in my life so much and wish that they didn't have to go through anything. But to--
Amanda and Mario-You are such a strong couple, and strong individually. I love you both and know that you'll get thru this. You're both in my prayers.
Amanda specifically-You are one of my greatest role models and if anyone can do what you're doing, it's you. I can't wait to see you to hopefully relieve a little bit of the stress.
Carla-I don't know how you do it. I never have. You remain the happiest (truly too, not just on the surface), most upbeat person I know through EVERYTHING. I'm happy you let me be around you in a very tiny moment of sadness though, because that's what real friends do, and I'm really happy we are friends (and roomies!!).
Ali- What is with us sickies? Get better quick!!! (or as quick as possible).
My Ma-I wish I was half as tough as you. I wish I was half as anything as you. You told me today that when Ry was diagnosed I kept you alive by telling you I loved you about 1000 times a day and giving you hugs and kisses (I was 5). You keep me alive now. I'll never find a better friend than you.
Jen-You'll get in. =)
And Amanda my roomie-I don't think you're having quite as shitty as a week, even though it started out kinda bad, but can I just say you are freakin awesome. You are the one person in Flag that I can 110% of the time count on to make me feel better. I don't know where you learned your compassion, but I'm so thankful for it, and I just had to add that in here.

Wowza. It's quite the week, isn't it?
If I didn't mention you, it's not because I don't love you, but it's because I don't think you've had the week from hell (and it's only Monday!). But I may not know, so if you have, feel free to talk to me. I'm all ears.
~Er (what my Dad calls me)

PS-In retrospect, my life isnt so bad. Thanks to everyone who makes it so great.

Well...

2005-03-06T00:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah. I haven't written in this thing in a few days, and it's been a weird and surreal few days. Everything is just opposite of what it should be. The people I normally love I'm not doing so hot with, and people I don't so much love are just popping back into my life and I don't mind it that much. People I haven't seen in years and don't even really know well are around every corner. Maybe it has to do with graduation. Maybe I'm just losing it. People that are mentors to me are screwey, people that I've had pent up anger for are no longer threatening to me...and one person keeps coming into my mind. Which tends to happen in these deeper, thoughtful segments of my life. He appears first in my dreams, then into daydreams (more like memories) and then I see him the future, and everything's right. Not weird and surreal and opposite of what it should be. Maybe I'm seeing my actual future...maybe it's just wishful thinking. But it's comforting to have these thoughts, and I cherish them.
I am leaving this place in two months. This place where I can hear the train as I type this, and this place where yesterday morning as I was driving to the valley of hell, the sun was shining thru the trees and snow was glistening on them, and there were two deer just chillin on the side of the road. This place that has actually helped to calm me, hard as that may seem. I'm still not so calm, but much more so than every previous year. I went to a party tonight and knew about half of the people there, thinking I'd only know the one that invited me when I left the house tonight. That is something you don't find anywhere else. I'm going to miss this place, my hippie town. I have yet to hug a tree or let my armpit hair grow, but I've got a streak of hippie now, I must say. It's a gooooooood life here, and it will be missed.
I hate when I'm so reflective, what a sap. =) Anyway, even if things are backwards and crazy, I'm learning a hell of a lot every day from it, so I guess it's a good thing. Yeah. It's a good thing.
The sweetest of dreams~
"I will do my best to give thanks for gifts, strangely, beautifully, painfully wrapped."
-The Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood

Clarification

2005-03-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

I didn't mean that all NL are fucking annoying, incompetent people. Only, like..mmm...55%. Maybe 70%. Didn't want to be mean. =)

RRrrrrrrrr

2005-03-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

So, I used to get the Northern Light meeting headache...every week, like clockwork, the right side of my head would start to throb about halfway thru NL meetings. So I quit, cause who needs the stress, caued by fucking annoying people with the inability to make decisions, really. Now I'm in Mortar Board. For the most part, I like it. But tonight--it came back. The NL headache. It's like jaws music but with head pounding--dun dun....dun dun dun dun....dun dun dun dun dun dun dun...!!!! Shudder.
At least Tri Beta is fun. Yeah BIO Nerds!
Peace~

Pet Peeve # 347

2005-02-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

K, so today I actually ramed a girl in the face with a door. Like, she was holding her face in agonizing pain when I came thru the door with my hand over my mouth saying "oh my god...." But you know what? It was the right door. If she'd gone in her right door, that problem wouldn't have happened. Yeah, I still felt really bad, but if people just used the door they are supposed to, these awkward situations could be reversed.
This has been another public service announcement from yours truly.

"Hey James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road." --Josh (Paul Rudd) in Clueless

We live in a very backwards world

2005-02-21T21:53:00.000-08:00

This isn't going to be a happy blog, I don't think, so if you aren't in the mood to read it, please don't. I don't want sympathy, I'm not trying to bitch, I just need to write some things out in hopes of feeling better tomorrow. I just, about 20 minutes ago, burst into tears and had absolutly no idea why, but, I think it has to do with all the stessed my family is feeling. See, I feel like my family is being pushed to our maximum level of stress, and I think it's hurting all of us, a lot. And I'm worried. This is the first year I have truly been shown the importance of family, and it's only through all the bad things that are happening. First of all, this is the first year I've seen my grandfather, who is the rock of our family, turn into an old, grumpy man. He used to have a wife that was loving and selfless, but she died of cancer (and God, do I miss her) and he married a woman that changed his outlook on life to a negative one. This has affected all of us so much.
My cousins are falling apart. Jenny has an eating disorder and is in alcohol abuse rehab, and Jon is in Utah at a drug treatment facility. And my aunt, who is so amazing with them (NOT her fault they are like this, it's her husband's, who left them) is just under the maximum amount of stress, and not that many people are helping her through it. Cept my mom. My mom. This woman is amazing. Does anyone else feel that way about their moms? I swear this woman can do anything. I just feel like she's trying so hard to take care of everyone else, including me, that she's not taking care of herself which she really needs to do...and I'm so worried about her. She has much worse health problems than anyone her age should, and she really needs to take time for herself.
And my Dad and her...they are in the process of going thru classes to learn how to take care of my brother whom they've taken care of forever, after all, he is their son. They can't get any benefits for him unless they learn "what his needs are" and "how to respect him." Can you believe that??? Would anyone know better than them how to take care of him? I hate that after all the stress autism has brought them it just continually gets worse when they only deserve for it to finally get better.
And lastly, and I do mean lastly (everything else seems to come first), I'm worried about me. Anyone who doesn't already know, I am not well. I have no idea if it's a series of unfortunate events, or if I'm really ill. But I will have to have one of my lymph nodes biopsied if the swelling doesn't go down soon. And I'm so scared. I'm young and supposed to be healthy. I'm tired of putting on a brave face, but tomorrow I'll do it again because there isn't anything else to do. Tonight is just a moment of weakness. I just hope and pray that I can get me back soon. Not this tired, sobby, sickly person.
Alright. Deep breath. Tomorrow is a new day.

cute story

2005-02-19T12:35:00.000-08:00

In class yesterday our teacher wanted to teach us all a little lesson about covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze. See, what's gross and something we don't think about is that when you don't cover your mouth, that cloud of crap that you sneeze or cough out doesn't just dissolve away, oh no. The cloud stays a cloud in that spot for 4-5 hours. 4-5 HOURS. Think about that the next time you're walking thru the halls of school and have no idea how many people coughed or sneezed in the exact places you're walking thru. Mmhmm.
Anyway, so we move on to the next topic and all of the sudden there is a gigantic sneeze that comes outta Mara. So the whole class like, stops what they're doing to turn and look at her and go "Mariposa! C'mon!!!" I was like, dying, it was so funny. Poor thing, she was laughing but she got all red. We're just a bunch of med nerds in there....
Cover your little sick mouths from now on, k? This has been a public service announcement by yours truly.

This song is so beautiful

2005-02-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2am) Lyrics
2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake Can you help me unravel my latest mistake I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season. Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to criticize Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason. Cause you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button girl So just cradle your head in your hands. And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year Here in town you can tell he's been down for while But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it Cause you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around 2am and I'm still awake writing this song If i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...yeah breath Just breathe, ohho breathe.

Sha la la la la la la la la la la ti da

2005-02-15T22:05:00.000-08:00

Today was on and off. I started the day very clumsily, falling a couple of times, and forgetting I parked in the garage--I went outside and couldn't find my car and was worried. So that was fun. Then I got my molecular genetics test back and got a 91. See, being that I am the ultimate perfectionist, I wasn't thrilled with a low A, but then people kept reminding me of things like it was the 3rd highest grade, that it was a crazy hard test, etc. So I got over it. =) Lab was actually good; I did things well because I wasn't rushed. Funny how that works. Also, when I was holding my office hours, my teacher for molecular stopped in and was like "Great job on the exam." and I said "Eh, thanks. You're too picky though!" and he laughed and walked away. This is like, one of my favorite things about this point in my academic career. My teachers know me. Well. And they like me and believe in me. There are so few people in classes at this point in my degree that you get the oppurtunity to become close to your professors, which is something a shy person doesn't get to do very often. AND, when I was in lab, this one guy asked me how I did in the test, a guy I don't even know well, and when I told him he was like "Yeah, you always do well though." So I have a reputation among students too. It's awesome. I'm a smarty, oh yeah.
Anyways, then I came home and was a lazy smarty. I made THE MOST AMAZING dinner. I grilled steak and made mashed potatoes and a spinach salad. Ahhh.
And then my fairly good day turned to shit in the Mortar Board meeting. I don't know why I put so much effort into it. It would be such a fun club if the president wasn't such a royal bitch. Oops, did I say that? Yeah, ROYAL BITCH.
This girl thinks she's smart or something, or organized....anyway, she's not. Tonight she starts off by telling me something about MY JOB in the club. Telling me something that I DECIDED. However, she was wrong, so I corrected her on what I HAD ACTUALLY DECIDED and she said "Oh, whatever." No, not whatever, YOU'RE WRONG. Then throughout the meeting we have to listen to this moron talk. And I kid you not, this girl murders us all in the game I call the Busy War. "I am the busiest person ever." "No, you have no idea, I have so much to do this week." "No really, I am not kidding, I am much busier." "No I am!" "No I am!" "NO I AM THE BUSIEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM THE BUSIEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Catch my drift? People. We. are. all. busy. We are in college. We are young. We like to do lots of things. But seriously, don't use it as an excuse. Get your shit done, and shut the fuck up.
Did I mention this girl is premed? She's like "I'm so busy that I barely have time to go to the NIH conference next week, oh, but sorry none of you would know what that is." Um, BITCH. Premed too. Right here. We talk about it all the time. National Institutes of Health. Hello? THEN, we are talking about the library card drive that we are doing to get library cards out to the underserved schools in flag. The poorest school in the community is Killip, whose students I worked with for 3 years in a church program. So I suggested we really focus on this school, and then this girl was like "Ya know what though? I think we should focus on kids who might actually use the library cards, and not waste the oppurtunity." OMG. These kids at Killip got a raw deal and because of people like her will continue to until someone steps in and stands up for them! Most of them have shitty everything, we could at least give them the ability to go get a book and learn to read, plus, the class that has the most people sign up for cards gets a pizza party. Do you know what this could do to their self esteems?
Ok, I'm off my soapbox. This girl just gets on every nerve I have.
Anyhoo, I'm back to school v. v. early tomorrow so off to bed I go.
Ooo, and Scrubs rocked my world tonight. Clay Aiken was on. Love him.

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." -Sheryl Crow, Soak up the sun

I heart today

2005-02-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

Hey all, Happy Valentine's Day!
So here's the thing. I thought I was going to wake up today and have to force myself to be happy throughout the day so as to not look like a bitter spinster that hasn't been completely single on Valentine's Day since 1998. But you know what? It was a fantastic day! I woke up and got all cute with the pink cardigan and the heart socks. Quite flirtatious. Then I went to my first class where me and my 4 girlfriends in that class exchanged Valentine's cookies and candy. It was so adorable, we were all like "Oh, thank you! That's so sweet!" and everyone in the class was looking at us. Those 4 were my Valentine's, and I couldn't have asked for better ones. Then we got our tests back there and I got a surprisingly good 90%. I thought it would've been a B or C, so I was thrilled. Then I went to psyc and we watched a movie on child development which was ADORABLE. Babies are freakin awesome, someone come make one with me please! =) Then, to prove this point further, I was driving home and stopped at the stoplight right before you turn into our familyish neighborhood. There was a young family (2 parents, a little guy that was about 2 1/2 and a black lab dog), and they were just starting to cross the street when the dad dropped the leash and the kid picked it up. The dog then proceeded to RUN across the street, and the kid was like, practically lifted into the air by this dog! He was running as fast as his little legs would carry him, so that they were practically horizontal to his body, and the little balls on his hat were flopping all over, and the parents...oh, the parents....they were running behind the whole thing with the most concerned faces. I was laughing so hard I had tears. Then they got to the other side of the street and the dad took back the leash, and the mom picked up her little boy, who was laughing his head off. Ahh, good times.
So then I came home and had lunch and took a nice long nap. I'm sick (AGAIN) cause I've eaten all sorts of things I'm allergic to these last few days, but I don't care because I'm so happy that it's fine. Then I got up and went to workout and then did yoga, my new favorite thing. The guy behind me was like "Damn, how are you doing that?" on one of the poses I was doing, and that made me happy. I'm stretchy.
So even though I thought I'd be like all the other pissy people today (and my GOD there are a lot of you, lighten up, the day is about love), I wasn't. To my roomates who had genuinly bad days-you are both wonderful and beautiful, and you are my Valentines =) and tomorrow will be a lot better.
And now I'm sittin in my chair dancin. And damn happy to be.
Nighty night~

"Do you think I was a bird in another life?.....Say I'm a bird. C'mon, say it! Say I'm a bird!... Maybe you're a bird too."
"If you're a bird, I'm a bird."
Allie and Noah, The Notebook

What is it about Valentine's Day?

2005-02-11T23:58:00.000-08:00

Why do people get so crazy over this holiday? What is it about the middle of February saying you have to be in love to be happy? How is a Hallmark day so capable of making us all a bunch of idiots? I came home from Hastings today with 7 movies. 7!!! 5 of them are romancy in some way. And I just watched The Notebook. People, have you seen this movie? It's a love story to measure all other love stories up to. It is the way love should be-like my quote in aim says-ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love. What happened to love like that? Of course, now I'm a big, wet pile of tissues, but oh, it's so amazing. And you know what else? For the past few years I have tried to forget about this side of myself-the absolute hopeless, sappy, emotional, crazed lunatic that wants nothing more than to completely give my heart to someone else. I have only really done that once, and since then I have just closed off the ability to love another in the way they deserve. In the way that one should if they are saying the words "I love you." I was reminded last week that this side of my isn't around anymore, by someone that knew me that way. I was also young and stupid at the time, so becoming more mature is inevitable, but I was told I am different now, and I know that's what's different.
Who knows, maybe it's just the holiday, but I want that part of me back. Maybe sometimes it's not the most practical way to act, but who even cares? I've lost so much of what I loved about myself by focusing so much on sucess, keeping busy, and staying focused on everything except caring for others in the way I used to be able to. And maybe now that I'm graduating and won't have to work myself to death for a little while I can get that spontaneous, crazy, loving person back. With still keeping some of that maturity, of course. =)
Maybe next week I won't feel this way anymore. Damn Valentine's Day.

Boredom, survey thing- the bold ones apply to me. The last one I added on.

2005-02-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

I have a cell phone.
I have friends that use me.
I am an only child.
I am a shopoholic.
I love dangly earrings.
I love cold weather.
I'm obsessed with the computer.
I have shot a gun before. (no, and don't plan on it.)
I can't live without music. (I wouldn't have a soul!)
I have no tolerance of ignorant people.
I have ridden on a motorcycle before.
I'll be in this town forever.
I've been to 5 other countries.
I get annoyed easily.
I eventually want kids.
I have neat handwriting.
I have more than a few horrible memories.
I am addicted to chocolate.
I am an atheist.
My parents are strict.
I love airplane rides.
I love taking pictures.
I hate people who are fake.
I can be mean when i want to.
My parents care about my grades.
One of my best friends is a guy. (not anymore, I'd just end up dating him if I had one anyway)
I have way too many purses.
I'm obsessed with lip gloss. (actually, chapstick--it's an addiction, really)
I am easy to talk to.
I would never eat raw fish.
I cry easily.
I hate when people are late.
I procrastinate.
I love winter.
I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
I love to sleep.
I wish I were smarter.
I'm afraid of flying.
I hate drama. (but it loves me)
I bite my nails.
I have been on an 8 hour drive.
I never fight with my parents.
I love the beach.
I have never had the chicken pox. (neat, huh?)
I have gone out in public in my pajamas.
I can't control my emotions. (it's a bad thing, I wish I could)
I have a best friend.
I have moved more than once. (Hell, I moved 5 times in one summer once)
I truly love my friends. (Truly.)
I have braces.
I have never broken a bone.
I hate my computer.
I love guys that play the drums.
I state the obvious.
I'm a happy person. (Thankfully, these days, I am. Wasn't always.)
I love to dance.
I love to sing.
I love cleaning my room. (Organization freak! Organization freak!)
I tend to get jealous very easily.
I love cute underwear.
I love night better than day.
I don't like to study for tests. -depends, sometimes when I get it, I feel smart, so it's not bad.
I have been on the phone for over 5 hours. not lately, though. =(
I am too forgiving. ha, no, possibly just the opposite
I have horrible sense in direction.
I miss elementary school. There were hot boys there! (kidding.)
I'm a daddy's girl.
I love kisses on my forehead.
I love the color pink.
I love to sew.
My eye color changes. (light to medium brown in the summer, almost black in the winter)
I should see a therapist.
I played on a guys sports team.
I become stressed easily. -not anymore! smooth sailing....
I hate liars.
I like comfy sweatpants. sweatpants are for the depressed.
I can play the piano.
I love the smell of rain. Oh, god..it's orgasmic.
I love my family.
I hate needles.
I am a perfectionist. (I'm actually reading a book on it and how it's destroying my health).
I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
I hate the feeling of failure.
I have friends in other countries.
I know how to cook. (still learning)
I can be quite selfish.
At times, I still act like a little kid.
I have food allergies. (newly discovered too!)
I love to read.
I wish I were more motivated for school.
I love getting stuff in the mail.
I have problems with letting go of old feelings.
I hate being alone.
I love summer.
I love the weekends.
I love black eyeliner.
I think I'm pretty.
I type with one hand.
I live in a one story house.
I wear make-up.
I have never rode on an underground subway.
I can't swim. (don't laugh. years of swim lessons and I still can't)
I have bad memories.
I go to church. (hopefully will be again next year)
I sing in the shower. (only in albuquerque, and only when no one is home)
I have never been camping.
I hate cheerleaders.
I usually get what i want. (let's just change "usually" to "always", mmmmk?)
I have been on stage before.
I love roller coasters.
No one knows my full story of my life. (nah, I'm a heart on my sleeve kinda girl)
I am close with my parents.
I don't have a curfew.
I play guitar.
I should be doing homework. ..and hardcore studying.
I don't know what i want to be when i grow up.
Man…last night was a crazy night.
I'm happiest just being at home.

Good weekend

2005-02-06T21:59:00.000-08:00

So I had a pretty nice weekend. For some reason I am not a crazed student this semester, which is nice. It may be because I just don't have that much to do when it comes to school anymore, or it may just be that in my last semester my priorities have changed. Because I could definetly be working harder than I am. I just really want to spend time with people that I won't get to see that often anymore. So that is just what I did this weekend.
On Friday I went out to dinner with my friend Jen. We actually haven't really done anything this semester yet together which surprised me because we were so close last semester. She's waiting for med school acceptance letters and it's been very stressful for her, which I completely understand, but because of her stress it's made me fear she was mad at me. However, she called me friday just to talk, like old times sake, and we talked for an hour and then made dinner plans, and talked at dinner for like 2 hours. Yay fun times. Then I met up with Lucie and Brian to see Team America again. America, FUCK YEAH! Something something to save the mother fucking day, yeah! And, I gotta say, that movie is a whole hell of a lot funnier the second time. "Wow, now I've seen everything." "Have you ever seen a man eat his own head?" "No." "Well, then you haven't seen everything." Ahahah. Ok, so it's really lame, but still funny, and shows how amazingly egocentric this country really can be.
Then Saturday I tried my hardest to do homework and study and I got some done but just not that much. Mostly I vegged, read, cleaned the house, etc. Looooovely. And then my friend Jake came up to visit. I know he reads these blogs so I'd better be nice (hahaha). No, kidding. I had the best time with him. He is very good at making me feel original, spontaneous, and like my quirky self when a lot of the time others bring me down and make me feel like I am blah with no personality. Thanks to those who embrace my craziness. =) We tried to have Thai food....haha, yeah, that was a no go. The sign said it closed at 8:30 and it was like 7, so we walk in and EVERYONE (servers, customers, managers) stopped what they were doing to look directly at us. Seriously, wtf. Then someone said they were closed. So what was with the open sign and all the people eating? Ugh, I don't know. So we went to Beaver Street instead, yummy. After dinner we did a drive down memory lane on campus, since Jake used to be an NAU student. He was getting very sentimental..."Oh, look, there's where I used to live, and that's where I was an RA, and oh, the RAs were so close, and oh look, I remember I had a friend that lived there, and oh, look over there at that kid walking and smoking a pipe, and...." Only in Flagstaff.
Yeah, and then we all went dancin. And dancin. And dancin. And lots of drinking too, yeah, there was that. I am in love with Red Bull and Vodka. Liquor and caffeine! Fuck yeah! Something something to save the motherfucking day, yeah! Got Amanda to dance on the bar with us, that was AWESOME. Jake, who teaches dance, spun me all sorts of all over that dance floor which I tried to keep up with, and for my first time dancing with a pro, I didn't do completly terrible. Anyway, it was amazing good times and I'll never forget it. Jake you get your ass back up here and visit again asap!
Other than that, I was fairly lazy today, studying only a tiny bit for my psyc exam tomorrow and then a little molecular genetics with Mara and a tiny bit of med micro with her and Katie. And that's it.
Oh, and I want to cut off the Patriots balls and "shove them up their asses so that when they shit, they shit on their balls." Sorry, gross, quoting Team America again.
Night

Men...what's up with you?

2005-02-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

Alright, cute story.
I'm in Target last night in the Valentine's aisle buying that stuff for my high school girls. There's a guy and a girl that look about 18 in the aisle too. The girl is like "Ok, here's what you can do for your girlfriend on Valentine's day....why don't you make her dinner and write her a cheesy song or something to make her laugh? That'd be what I'd want." and they guy is of course like "No way in hell." So the girl says "C'mon!" and he's like "No" and she said "Please?" and he said "No." and she said "You don't think that's even just a little bit cute?" and he said, hesitantly "Yeah........" so she goes "So you'll do it??" and he says "No."
Ok, so I was like trying not to crack up listening to that, but seriously guys, if you have a girl or want one, you have to go the extra mile. We are sick to death of lazy ass motherfuckers who don't even try to impress us anymore. Granted, we aren't out there impressing you, but I believe that comes in later stages. Ya'll have to make that first jump over the cliff. And it'd better be a high, long, creative, fun jump, or you're gonna fall flat on your ass. However, if you make it over, we'll be waiting to give you all the attention and affection you could ever want. In sexy lingerie.
Kisses!

La di da di da

2005-02-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

Fantastic day.
Woke up feeling refreshed, got ready and my hair turned out good (love that). Went to Molecular Genetics and didn't really understand everything, but had some fun with Brian. He truly is my saving grace in that class; it's just funny being around him. After that class I went out to talk with him and Stephanie as I do every day and got them laughing, which is like my favorite thing ever- to make people laugh. Then I went to SI and the teacher kept praising me! He was telling all his students about the wonderful study guide I made and how they are lucky to have me as an SI, etc. I was so friggin excited. Now, for the best part...
After class, he wanted to talk to me. So I went up and he said "I'd really like you to be more involved with the class, so maybe we can find a way to work you in every week." So I'm like, "Yeah, that'd be fun." and THEN he said "Actually, I have another idea. I'm going out of town one day in April and I need someone to teach my class. Would you like to do it?" Are you fucking kidding me? I would get to teach 130 students introductory biology for an hour and fifteen minutes. Do you know how scary and yet amazing that is? I was so honored that he has enough faith in me to do that! AAAHHH! Hope it works out so I can do it!
K, so then I wene to do some errands around campus, so I walked, and as I was walking back to my car I was having very shallow thoughts about walking. I was like, my walk has gotten so "blah student." I used to have a bouncy supermodelesqe walk. So I started walking just a little...hotter. And I kid you not, I was walking towards the street to cross it and a guy in his car was following me with his eyes while driving and mouthed the word "Wow." So I either looked like a fucking idiot, or he was complimenting me! I'll take it as the latter. YES. Who's ass is looking good thanks to the tiniest bit of yoga? That's right, bitch, mine.
This afternoon I had two SI sessions and got to teach students for 3 hours. There were only 2 students for the first two hours, but in the last hour I had about 25 students, so that was my first experience teaching, although it was less lecture and much more just a q and a session. Still way fun though.
Finally, I came home and did homework and watched some quality night Thursday tv and then Naomi and her friend Laura, who is really nice came over and we plus my roomie Amanda had tea and cawwwfeeee and tawwwwked.
Yep yep yep.

Um...yeah.

2005-02-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

Interesting stuff these past couple of days...
Yesterday I got to go on a field trip (hehe) for Med Micro to the lab at Flag Medical Center. It was amazing. The technology they have to do the things that we take days to do--its awesome. I so very much want to work in a lab like that for at least a year.
That was really the only highlight. The rest of yesterday was just kinda there. I ate an entire bag of poore brother's chips. Mmhmm, that's six servings. It's stress eating. I had to write a very emotional letter last night and was an absolute mess but I woke up today thinking ahh, new day, it'll be great...and then I proceeded to choke. I mean, really choke. I was trying to swallow a capsule of vitamin C in the kitchen this morning and it got stuck in the back of my throat, completely blocking my airway. I was trying to cough it up and decide whether or not to call 911 or get one of my roomates. Ultimatly, I just stood there too scared to really do anything (great in a crisis situation, huh) and coughed as hard as I could with the limited amount of air I was getting. I could barely breathe for about 30 seconds before I finally coughed it up. Good way to start the day.
The rest of the day was not just busy, it was rushed. There is a big difference. I rushed from one place to the next until after yoga. 11 hours of rushing. And I'm not gonna lie (haha Rick), everything went pretty shittily until my SI session. And then... I HAD STUDENTS COME! I got to teach biology for the first time ever and I loved it! They are so cute and stupid....aw..=) And yoga is so amazing. I'm falling in love.
Finally, I went to Target to buy presents for a couple of my girls from this summer. When I heard that my friend Stephanie is going as a chaperone on a leadership conference that two of my girls are going on, I wanted to buy them presents right away. Isn't that such a parent thing to do? They are the closest thing to my own kids right now and I love them and just want to spoil them rotten. =) Anyway, I hope they like the stuff I got--girly things, all valentiney too-pink lotion, picture frames with flowers on them, stuffed puppy dogs, and chocolate. Yay.
Ok well I'm exhausted. Time to watch that Scrubs I taped. Sweet dreams, ya'll.

Just now hit the point of stressed

2005-01-31T21:55:00.000-08:00

You're probably wondering, if she's so stressed, why would she write in the blog? Well, she answers, the blog is soothing in an otherwise not so soothing last few hours.
So today was interesting. I have a lot on my mind. A lot. First of all, I received a letter that has kept my thoughts mostly occupied for the last 48 hours. I would like very much to talk, out loud, about some things with the person that wrote this letter, but I haven't really been given the oppurtunity and hope very much that in the next 48 hours this will change. Also, I have yet another doctors appt on Wednesday and I'm praying they will discover what exactly is wrong with me. The good news is, these last couple of days I have felt really good. I hope it lasts. But I'm still very worried about anything they might find. Finally, I am the Selections chairperson for Mortar Board and I have been working my tukus off to advertise our little club all over campus. I just hope it's a success; any project I head up has to be or I'll just die. =)
Some fun facts of today-ancient indian tribes used to eat the brains of their dead family members to keep their spirits alive. However, this is how disease by prions (which cause mad cow disease) first began spreading in humans. Way to go, guys.
-I rode the bus today and got off at the SBS building with two small asian guys and a small guy who looked like he was from India. I was the tallest by about 6 inches. I felt like Bohemeth Woman.
-I saw my old Immuno teacher today, Dr. Monrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroy. He was dressed down....I liked it. And he's guest lecturing in one of my classes on Friday (hehehehehehehehehehe, giggling like a school girl). My crush continues...maybe one of these days his wife will drop dead of some prion disease and he'll be mine! Muahaha.
-I ate wheat, my nemesis. But just a little.
-I am friggin stretchy. HOORAY for yoga and the discovery of innate stretchiness.
-Yoga makes one tired. I'm going to bed.

Thankful

2005-01-29T01:24:00.000-08:00

I was driving home tonight when I realized that I am very thankful for everything I have. I spent some time this evening with wonderful friends, and I realized how much I'm going to miss them when I graduate. I haven't really thought about how hard it's going to be; I've just been too excited. But now I see we're all going in different directions and it's going to be traumatizing to not see them on a regular basis. Anyway, thanks to all of you that make me feel like the best version of myself.

Also, as an aside, I'm thankful for my youth, I've decided. Granted, I don't have the best health always (almost EVERYONE told me today "you're always sick...." in a bitchy tone...yeah, people, like it's a choice. I want to be better just as much as you want me to.) But I still appreciate looking and feeling young most of the time. I love that I can buzz around all day and feel better at the end of it than the days I lay around on my ass. I love this age of being able to be ridiculous and crazy but still know what my limits are and know when I need to "act my age." I LOVE looking in the mirror and seeing tight skin, a small waist, and no cellulite...yet. Does that sound vain? I'm not trying to; it's just very nice to feel young and vibrant and I'm quite appreciative of it.

One of my girls from this summer called me today. She wanted to thank me for the birthday card I sent her and to let me know it was the first card she got. Some of my girls live with so little and are so unappreciated by everyone around them, and yet they take the time to call to say thank you for a birthday card. I'm not only thankful for that, but amazed by it.

And I'm thankful that even though today started out with me dry heaving (YES!) from God only knows what, it ended very well, with me sitting at my computer reflecting on all that is good. =) G'night.

I think Wolfram is a good name for my kid.

2005-01-27T19:18:00.000-08:00

Am I the only person that has noticed the potholes all along Butler? Because I've gotten very tired of having to veer away from pothole after pothole to protect my tires, and usually I hit them anyway. Ugh.

Other than the potholes, today was good! My hardest class, Molecular Genetics, is taught by Dr. Shand who I've had before, and I think I'm the only person that enjoys his classes. Yeah, it can move pretty slow but he's so friggin funny! Me and the two people I sit with seem to be the only losers who think so though. Then I sat thru BIO181 and heard all about macromolecules with the froshies I'm tutoring. After that I actually got to come home for a little bit of time which is so rare, and then I went back to school for my 2 tutoring sessions. Since I had no one attend my first one, my friend Brian was kind enough to sit with me and keep me company. He has decided it would be "freakin awesome" to name one of his kids (sons, in particular) after an element on the periodic table. The popular ones included Cobalt Black, Xenon Black, and Wolfram Black (Black is his last name). He kept me pretty entertained, I must say. After that, I did homework for an hour and then had another session. I had one guy come to that one and he didn't really have any questions for me, so it was more time for me to do homework. Ahh....getting paid to do homework.
Then, I walked out to my car, happy to go home and noticed a parking ticket. Can you believe it? Almost 4 years of school and I got my first parking ticket today. I thought I was in an ok zone, but I guess not...so I laughed and gave a long "Fuuuuuuuuuck.." and went home to make bbq chicken and mashed potatoes. Mm.
Funny story--today a bunch of non-white high school students were walking through the Union when I was walking past them. I was looking at all of their faces to see if any of them were from the summer program I worked with this summer, which was primarily minority students. I guess one particular black girl noticed and was all "Chhh...white girl." to me! I was like "what?" in my head, way too shocked to say anything. Hehe, anyway, I think it's funny.
k, well I don't have too much to say, so until next time!

Oh my God, Becky....

2005-01-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

Tuesdays. Are. Long. I had 8 hours of class followed by 2 meetings. However, today was pretty fun anyway. The day started off with a boring class, followed by a boring class that I'm SIing for. Then I had my first set of office hours and no one, not no one showed up. However, I made some new friends with some other SIs that were hanging out in the office, and the office assistant who feels he has to help me with everything I do (kinda nice in a kiss ass way). Then I had my first med micro lab which was very much a review of staining procedures used in micro labs. And guess what? I did them all correctly! For me, this is a big deal because lab work is always my downfall. If there is something that can be broken, dropped, stepped on, spilled on, or mutilated in any way, I will find a way to do it. Gimme a textbook any day. Then I came home and had a lovely conversation with my roomate about gas. Like, flatulence. It was kinda the highlight of my day, sadly enough. She has pneumonia so I'd get her laughin so hard she couldn't breathe...which, obviously was not the goal, but funny nonetheless. Then came the meetings. I decided after tonight's meeting that I really love Tri-Beta. Everything we do is so interesting and the group is tight knit and we have some awesome things planned for this semester. (Who voted for having a game night? OH YEAH!!!!!) Then I went to Mortar Board. I wish I could get as pumped up for it. Maybe it's because I'm the selections chair and don't want to work as hard as I'm going to have to, but I'm just lacking enthusiasm.
Know what I am enthusiastic about though? Sleep! Nighty night night night night night night

Happy Monday

2005-01-24T21:12:00.000-08:00

It sprinkle- rained. All day. And I got to walk in it. Ahhhhh. How lovely.
So I went to my grad school level class today. What a class that was..It was so interesting and I wanted to understand, I really did, but it turns out, I'm not an Anthropology grad student and that makes a big difference. For awhile they were talking about a goat....it was an analogy but I just didn't understand. The other 10 people are passionatly nodding and I'm going "HUH? WTF? Goat?" So I said thanks to the teacher, went home, dropped the class and immediately added a 1 credit 5 week mini course online about the Grand Canyon. Hahaha. Here's to a pretty good semester!
Thanks to 311, John Mayer, Aimee Mann, and Norah Jones for destressing me tonight. Mm, peace after a long day.
Night~

I heart Ben Roethlisberger

2005-01-23T13:16:00.000-08:00

I've gotta say, I'm pretty damn nervous about my Steelers. They didn't look so good last week, not so good at all. Hehe, thanks to Ali who put up with me jumping on my bed in our Vegas hotel room watching the overtime in that game....that was nervewracking! This Superbowl thing is pretty important to my family. Our Christmas was kinda bleh because not everyone was there to celebrate and there are some problems that made us all pretty sad. However, if our team makes it into the Superbowl, almost all of us are getting together to celebrate. And we really need something to celebrate. So I'm a-hoping and prayin for a win today!

Yesterday was AWESOME. Steph and I went skiing and it was blissful. I kinda sucked at the beginning and managed to ram into a small child...whoops. His Dad wasn't too happy about that. But after a run or two I was back to normal and zippin down that mountain, the breeze in my hair...no, wait, I had the braided pigtail beanie thing going on...ok, the breeze on my face...fresh air, sunshine, adrenaline rush...mm. Also, I realized once and for all that I am so happy with my choice to go to school in beautiful Flagstaff. We were driving down the mountain and the sun was streaming through the Ponderosa Pine trees and John Mayer was playin..."Boys will be strong, and boys soldier on, but boys would be gone without warmth from a woman's good, good heart." Ahhhhh. John, come over, we'll make babies. Anyway, it was so lovely and it was the best I've felt in weeks too, so yay for that.

Guess that's about it for now. I wish I was more motivated about school, so I'd be doing homework right now instead of this...maybe there is something to senioritis. Sigh. Ok, I'll go try to read. Molecular. Genetics. UUUGGGH. It's sad to already hate a class.

Happy Sunday, ya'll!

Made it to Friday

2005-01-21T14:35:00.000-08:00

I know. I KNOW. I made fun of facebook and now use it all the time. I made fun of blogs too, but I was told by a very wise person that keeping a journal of some sort is a very healthy thing, and since I'm entirely too lazy to actually hand-write in one every night, this is another option. Sigh. I am not arrogant enough to think that people will actually want to read what I have to say, but here it is anyway.

So guess what? I've turned into a hippie! Haha, no not quite, but as of about a week ago I have cut out all wheat and dairy from my diet cause apparently I'm allergic to both (huh, who knew?), have taken up yoga, and spend just as much money at New Frontiers as I do at Safeway. I'll letcha in on a secret though. While shopping at the hippie grocery store today I was wearing (gasp) LEATHER BOOTS. (Made of COW!) So haha suckers, I'll never be a complete convert.

School is good. Besides having the busiest semester of my life and it's only one week in, I like everything. Cept maybe Molecular Genetics. Which is just gonna be butt f'in hard and not all that interesting. OMG though the people in my psyc class are so dumb. They're a) just about all freshman b) idiots with no work ethic or any life experience and c) i don't know, just more dumb. One girl today actually corrected the professor when she was talking about brain surgery and said "I thought it wasn't possible to touch a brain." I guess I just don't tolerate ignorance well. Then again, I'm used to premed snobs who, yes, are smarter than most, but are also assholes so maybe these people will at least be nice.

Yep yep yep. Most of these won't be so long I'm sure, I'm just not THAT interesting. But I'm catching you up. Feel priveledged.

Had some random deep thoughts today. I have like an hour and a half between my med micro class and psyc to kill so today I walked like halfway before catching the bus down to south campus. That's pretty good for me, since I was walking in heeled LEATHER BOOTS (Moo...haha, inside joke to those who get it) which aren't the most comfortable things. However, the way I was walking was the path on the way to Reilly, where I lived my freshman year. I never really walk that way anymore cause I don't have to, but it was like a complete flashback to the beginning of college. Now that I'm so close to the end, it kinda was like I came full circle, doing that same walk. hehehe, that's actually not so deep, but I was just reflecting on everything from the last 4 years. Also I walked passed Allen hall where this past summer's program was. I was remembering playing volleyball one day (or more like getting smacked everywhere by the fuckin ball and muttering obsenities) with a group of the kids and playing the hula hoop game with my girls on the front lawn, or the night I snuck my girls out to go play basketball (haha, bet no one knew about that), and remembering walking back from the union twice a day filled with food that gave us all the runs for six weeks with steph, chels, brian, lucie, nick, and various other people. Wow. Graduating in May......scary.

Well, that's all I got going for now. Oh yeah, just as an aside, I just let ya'll know I've been sick for 6 weeks now. I've been tested for several things including strep and mono but nobody can figure out what's wrong with me. Next week I'm going in for some more tests, but I just wanted to ask if you would wish me good thoughts, I'd really appreciate it, because I'm getting kinda worried about what's going on. Anyways, I'll try not to talk about it too much cause it's SO LAME when people are always sick. K~buh bye

Smiling's my favorite!

I forgot I had this thing.

AAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote of the day

Valentine's Day

Check yes or no

Do you ever just get bored with yourself?

2006

Week in review at S.E.D. labs--

Balls

Long lost blog!

Inconsiderate

Thoughts

...........

Bugger

So my life just got incredibly busy..go figure.

Leave your name and a comment and...

I heart endorfins

Wowza

Trying to keep busy

Another good one--found on Karens blog. Thanks Karen!

Depressed on a Saturday night...good time for a survey!

....

The almost perfect weekend

Blah blah blah, complaining is BORING

Smiling IS my favorite...but lately frowning is more common.

Holy jeez! An update!

I miss Flagstaff.

The joys of being out of school....

And the shit's hit the fan.....

Lil update

I get one night off from everything and this is how I spend it? Shit...

Mega Update

I just made hundreds of dollars in 3 days of work...YEAH COLLEGE DEGREE

Part of Rascal Flatt's "When the Sand Runs Out"

Ok this is just funny~

Freakin rick and his freakin blog things

Life is good

Alana Davis, "Crazy"

Update

I need to start getting up earlier and not taking naps, so I could be sleeping right now instead of doing this.

It's about damn time I had some fun.

A Practical, Non-melodramatic, Normal Blog for your reading pleasure.

WANTED: Young Man, Single and Free

Yeah, I'm really this bored. But if you read it, you're worse off than I am.

John Mayer is a GOD

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.....

Sigh...and of course, ho hum.

Nostalgia

It's been awhile.

=)

Oh my God, could the last hour have BEEN more CONFUSING??

Life is funny (funny haha, not funny hmm)

Hehehe

=(

things that make you go hmmm

Isn't it weird when you haven't listened to a song in ages and then you do and it's exactly what you're feeling?

Isn't it weird when you haven't listened to a song in ages and then you do and it's exactly what you're feeling?

I AM DRUNK-happy st. particks'.....wait...patrick's ...yeah.

What a day

Well...

Clarification

RRrrrrrrrr

Pet Peeve # 347

We live in a very backwards world

cute story

This song is so beautiful

Sha la la la la la la la la la la ti da

I heart today

What is it about Valentine's Day?

Boredom, survey thing- the bold ones apply to me. The last one I added on.

Good weekend

Men...what's up with you?

La di da di da

Um...yeah.

Just *now* hit the point of stressed

Thankful

I think Wolfram is a good name for my kid.

Oh my God, Becky....

Happy Monday

Just now hit the point of stressed